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He furrowed his brows in annoyance.
I rolled my eyes in response. “Oh, come on, Duke. I’m a big girl. I’m going to be totally fine on my own for a few hours. I know you’re playing into the idea that I can’t function without you, or that I can’t stay alive, but you’re giving yourself too much credit there, baby.”
His eyes darkened—in that good way—in the way that made my stomach dip like I was a fucking virgin.
He moved forward and grasped my hips, yanking me forward so my body pressed to his. Yeah, another stomach dip, deeper, more violent, desperate. Despite the fact he’d given me many orgasms this very morning, I wanted more. I was greedy for him, because I knew this wasn’t going to last. So instead of doing the smart thing and distancing myself, I had binged this past month.
Soon enough, I’d be back in my big house, in LA, starving.
I’d grown in every way I’d thought possible, including physically. Instead of going into a spiral like I might’ve before, I shared a bottle of wine with Harriet and Anna and we spent a small fortune online shopping—using Duke’s credit card, of course, since mine could’ve been compromised.
Duke had very much appreciated what his money had bought and he made sure to let me know this by ripping off my new clothes almost as soon as I put them on. He also worshipped the changes in my body. “Will take you any way I can get you, baby, as long as you’re happy. Healthy. Although, you weren’t that before.” He’d run his hand across the new curve to my hip. “This, though. It’s a sign that you are.”
Cue melty moment and then hot sex.
So, yeah, I had indulged this past month, filled myself up, despite the empty place Andre’s death left inside me.
It hit me sometimes, at odd moments, when I was playing poker with the ranch hands—which had made Duke furious until he realized that I’d cleaned them all out. Then he’d joined the game and I’d cleaned him out too.
He’d asked me who taught me and the hitch to my voice and the glassiness to my eyes told him everything he needed to know.
Other times I didn’t even need a reminder. I could be feeding the horses and the pain would bring me to my knees. I’d sob quietly and heavily with no one but the horses to watch. Crying without an audience was not something I was used to, but it was cleansing, like I wasn’t crying for anyone, wasn’t structuring my feelings to appear a certain way. I was just feeling.
It hurt.
It killed.
But it felt right, just like everything had this past month: Duke teaching me how to make raviolis, getting covered in flour and having sex on the kitchen counter; Anna teaching me how to make Chicken-Fried steak, Harriet teaching me how to hot wire Duke’s truck; Tanner taking me fishing in his favorite spot, sharing beers and conversation and company. Duke hadn’t completely forgiven his brother, but things seemed to have improved between them. I liked that. I liked watching Duke find his family again, find himself again.
I wasn’t just finding myself here. I was creating a version of myself that was completely and utterly mine, not designed by my agent, by directors, my trainers, the trolls on the Internet. Not even by Duke. Just me.
The trial hung over my head like a noose, waiting to strangle this life out of me. But I only thought of that in the hours after midnight, when I’d sneak out of bed and sit outside, staring at the stars.
Sometimes Duke would wake and find me. Other times I’d sit there alone.
“Need I remind you of the snake bite?” Duke asked, jerking me back to the present with his lips against mine.
I returned the kiss, of course. It was as natural as breathing these days. When we’d first got here, I’d thought the way he’d touched me was perfect for the act of us being together. But now we were really together, it was different. It was torture. Beautiful torture.
“Need I remind you that I didn’t die from that?” I replied, pulling back ever so slightly. It shouldn’t have been as hard as it was. It shouldn’t have been like removing my oxygen mask underwater, but it was.
His lips touched mine. Maybe he was intending it to start out as a simple kiss, but nothing was ever simple with us.
“Hey! You can suck each other’s faces later. We’ve got cattle to move.”
Both of us detached to find a grinning Tanner staring at us.
I grinned back.
Duke did not. “Fuck off.”
Tanner winked at me before sauntering out the door. His smile seemed almost genuine these days, but the ghost of what he’d let go would always haunt him. It shook me, since I’d be a version of that in the not-so-distant future.
