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A small hesitation is the only sign of Li Wei’s unease as he asks, Is marrying Sheng part of your plans?
The question catches me completely off-guard. Sheng has never come up in conversation between us before. Honestly, Sheng hasn’t even crossed my mind on this trip.
It’s part of the elders’ plans , I respond carefully.
I see.
You know how it is , I add when he says nothing more. You can’t be surprised at that. Artists always marry other artists.
Yes . . . but does it have to be him? asks Li Wei, a wry look on his face. It seems like there are better choices among the apprentices. Sheng is so . . .
Arrogant? Obnoxious? I supply.
Now Li Wei looks surprised. That doesn’t bother you?
I don’t think much about it , I say. He is the best apprentice among the boys. I’m the best girl. The elders think it is a wise match.
But that is all? Li Wei pushes. It’s the elders who want the match? Not you?
It doesn’t matter , I remind him. I will still abide by their wishes.
Li Wei is indignant. You shouldn’t marry because of someone else’s wishes—because it’s a wise match. You should marry someone who loves you. Someone who loves you passionately and would change the world for you.
The world would have to change indeed for that to happen , I point out. Do you see it changing anytime soon?
He gestures around us. It already has, Fei.
Not enough , I say after several long, weighted moments. I know what he is hinting at and need to discourage it. And even if it did, what was between us is in the past.
So you say. But you’ve done an awful lot to keep me alive. He gestures at the green shirt. And well dressed.
Only so you won’t embarrass me , I say loftily.
Whatever you say, apprentice , he replies. He prepares for bed with a glint in his eye, and I know he doesn’t believe me.
CHAPTER 9
MORE STRANGE DREAMS PLAGUE my sleep that night. I again feel as though something or someone is calling out to me, this time through a mist. I run through it, trying to find my way, but only grow more and more disoriented. Soon I lose sense of whether someone is trying to reach out to me—or capture me. I begin running, full of panic and unable to see my destination.
I wake up with a start, flailing and terrified. To my astonishment, Li Wei is kneeling by my makeshift bed, and before I know what I’m doing, I throw myself into his arms. The phantoms in my dream fade, and his presence grounds me, calming me down. He strokes my hair gently, and it takes me a moment to slip from his embrace.
Sorry about that , I say.
I was worried , he tells me. You were so restless, tossing and turning. Kicking. And this isn’t the first time I’ve seen it while you’re sleeping.
It isn’t? I ask, feeling mortified.
What are you dreaming of that upsets you so much? he asks.
Although he knows about my hearing, I haven’t told him the full details of how it started or my recurring dreams of being called to. I nearly tell him now, but something fearful and personal holds me back. It’s nothing , I say, getting to my feet. Sorry for worrying you.
He touches my arm briefly, turning me so I must face him. Fei, I’m here for you. No matter what else has happened between us, I hope you know that. Don’t be afraid to tell me anything.
I nod but don’t elaborate. How can I explain what I myself don’t understand?
He doesn’t press me for answers as we get ready for the day. We eat all but two persimmons and finish cleaning ourselves up. Li Wei’s “new” shirt, now fully dry, has ended up as a kind of sickly green, but it’s still better than before. I stand before him, helping smooth some of the fabric as I survey him with a critical eye.
I guess you’ll do , I say, certainly not about to admit that even in rags, he is magnificent.
I feel confident in my own clean set of artist’s clothes, though I wish I’d thought to pack a girl’s set. It isn’t completely unheard of for women to wear pants in our village, but the more I think about meeting a venerable figure like the line keeper, the more I wish I could put on a strong, formal appearance.
I remember when I first interviewed to help out with the artists , I tell Li Wei as we are breaking camp. Before I officially became an apprentice. I had to undergo extensive tests and interviews. My mother scrubbed me until I hurt and traded three days’ worth of her own rations for some new cloth to make me a robe. “When you’re meeting someone in power, someone with the ability to change your life for better or worse, it’s important you show them you’re worth it,” she told me. I pause, feeling a bittersweet tug at the memory. My mother had died before learning the results. I wonder what she would think of me now: going to see the line keeper, dressed like a boy.
Li Wei grins, revealing a phantom dimple I’ve always liked. You might be dressed like a boy, but no one’s going to think you’re one.
Despite his teasing, there is a heated undercurrent in his words, and I can’t help but think of our conversation last night: You should marry someone who loves you. Someone who loves you passionately and would change the world for you.
Has it changed? I wonder. And will I be able to change with it?
Those thoughts weigh on me, but as the sun rises higher, concern for Zhang Jing is more pressing. When I’ve finished pinning up my hair, I ask, Is there anything else we need to do? Should we work out what we’re going to say to the line keeper?
We’ll tell him our problems and ask for help , Li Wei says simply.
The answer doesn’t surprise me. Li Wei is more straightforward about some things than I am. Coming from the Peacock Court, where we work with more structure and formalities, I’m hesitant just to rush forward without a concrete plan. You’re still assuming that what happened to the other village was part of some misunderstanding , I say. What if it wasn’t? What if he knows and did nothing?
