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“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Aria whispered. And then, she noticed the text message that accompanied the last photo. Her heart sank a few thousand feet deeper.
Dear Sean, I think someone’s girlfriend has a LOT of explaining to do.
—A
32
NOT-SO-SECRET LOVERS
“And they were all over each other!” Emily took a huge sip of the sangria Maya had gotten for them from the planetarium bar. “All this time, I was afraid they could, like, change you, but it turns out that it’s fake! My sponsor’s back with her girlfriend and everything!”
Maya gave Emily a crazy look, poking her in the ribs. “You seriously thought they could change you?”
Emily leaned back. “I guess that is stupid, isn’t it?”
“Yes.” Maya smiled. “But I’m glad it doesn’t work too.”
About an hour ago, Becka and Wendy had dropped Emily off at Mona’s party and she had torn through the rooms, searching for Maya, terrified that she had left—or worse, that she was with someone else. She’d found Maya by herself near the DJ booth, wearing a black-and-white striped dress and patent-leather Mary Janes. Her hair was up in white butterfly clips.
They had escaped outside to a little patch of grass in the planetarium’s garden. They could see the party still raging through the two-story, frosted-glass windows, but they couldn’t hear it. Shady trees, telescopes, and bushes pruned into the shapes of planets filled the garden. A few of the partygoers had spilled out and were sitting on the other side of the patio, smoking and laughing, and there was a couple making out by the giant, Saturn-shaped topiary, but Emily and Maya were pretty much sequestered. They hadn’t kissed or anything, but were merely staring up at the sky. It had to be almost midnight, which was normally Emily’s curfew, but she’d called her mom to say that she would be staying the night at Becka’s. Becka had agreed to corroborate the story, if need be.
“Look,” Emily said, pointing at the stars. “That section of stars up there, don’t they look like they could form an E if you drew lines between them?”
“Where?” Maya squinted.
Emily positioned Maya’s chin correctly. “There are stars next to them that form an M.” She smiled in the darkness. “E and M. Emily and Maya. It’s, like, a sign.”
“You and your signs,” Maya sighed. They were comfortably quiet for a second.
“I was furious at you,” Maya said softly. “Breaking up with me in the kiln like that. Refusing to even look at me in the greenhouse.”
Emily squeezed her hand and stared at the constellations. A tiny jet streaked past, a thousand feet up. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I know I haven’t exactly been fair.”
Now Maya eyed Emily carefully. Glittery bronzer illuminated her forehead, cheeks, and nose. She looked more beautiful than Emily had ever seen her. “Can I hold your hand?” she whispered.
Emily gazed at her own rough, square hand. It had held pencils and paintbrushes and pieces of chalk. Gripped the starting blocks before a swimming race. Clutched a balloon on the swim team’s homecoming float last year. It had held her boyfriend Ben’s hand…and it had even held Maya’s, but it seemed like this time it was more official. It was real.
She knew there were people around. But Maya was right—everyone already knew. The hard part was over, and she’d survived. She’d been miserable with Ben, and she hadn’t been kidding anybody with Toby. Maybe she should be out there with this. As soon as Becka had said it, Emily knew she was right: she couldn’t change who she was. The idea was terrifying but thrilling.
Emily touched Maya’s hand. First lightly, then harder. “I love you, Em,” Maya said, squeezing back. “I love you so much.”
“I love you, too,” Emily repeated, almost automatically. And she realized—she did. More than anyone else, more than Ali, even. Emily had kissed Ali, and for a split second, Ali had kissed her back. But then Ali had pulled back, disgusted. She’d quickly started talking about some boy she was really into, a boy whose name she wouldn’t tell Emily because Emily might “really freak.” Now Emily wondered if there even had been a boy, or if Ali had said it to undo the tiny moment when she had kissed Emily for real. To say, I’m not a lesbo. No frickin’ way.
All this time, Emily had fantasized about what things would have been like if Ali hadn’t disappeared, and if that summer and their friendship had proceeded as planned. Now she knew: it wouldn’t have gone on. If Ali hadn’t disappeared, she would have drifted farther and farther away from Emily. But maybe Emily would still have found her way to Maya.
“You okay?” Maya asked, noting Emily’s silence.
“Yeah.” They sat quietly for a few minutes, holding hands. Then Maya lifted her head, frowning at something inside the planetarium. Emily followed her eyes to a shadowy figure, staring straight at them. The figure knocked on the glass, making Emily jump.
“Who is that?” Emily murmured.
“Whoever it is,” Maya said, squinting, “they’re coming outside.”
Every hair on Emily’s body stood up. A? She scooted backward. Then she heard an all-too-familiar voice. “Emily Catherine Fields! Get over here!”
Maya’s mouth dropped open. “Oh my God.”
Emily’s mother stepped under the courtyard spotlights. Her hair was uncombed, she wore no makeup, she had on a ratty T-shirt, and her sneaker lace was untied. She looked ridiculous among the throng of done-up partygoers. A few kids gaped at her.
