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“Were you close in college?” Obviously, they weren’t together, but that didn’t mean they didn’t talk. And since money wasn’t an issue, they could be together as much as they wanted when class was out.
“We were at first,” he answered. “But after the first year or two, Austin got pretty wild. He started to fail out of his classes, and every time he called me, he was wasted. He ran with a crazy, rich crowd at Harvard. Drinking, women, drugs, and partying became his major, and no matter how many times I talked to him about it, nothing changed. My parents would send him to rehab, he’d go back to campus, and sooner or later, he’d fall off the wagon again. After five years on the East Coast, my dad just brought him back to California. I think he figured he could straighten him out if he was at home.”
“But he didn’t get better?” I asked.
“Sometimes he did,” Eli said hoarsely. “Hell, there were times we thought he was going to straighten out. Maybe that was the hard part. We’d all start to feel optimistic, and then we’d get slammed over the head again when he disappeared. We knew he was on a binge. But he eventually came home again.”
Until one day he didn’t.
I already knew the story had an unhappy ending, but I waited to hear how his brother had died.
“I got to San Diego as much as I could,” Eli explained. “But it wasn’t enough. Near the end, Austin was doing some stupid shit. Almost like he had a death wish. It was never me who liked to go mountain climbing, to race cars, and to take up any extreme challenge that came my way. I had some hobbies, but after I’d worked that damn hard in college, I wanted to do something with my education.”
“So those things were never your idea?”
No wonder the Eli I knew and the one who did all things crazy had never seemed to jibe.
“Not my thing,” he admitted. “I guess I could always think of something better to do. My free time was at a premium. Not that Austin didn’t ask, but I was usually busy with my studies. Now I guess I do them to keep his memory alive.”
I let out a breath I hadn’t even realized I’d been holding. “It isn’t your fault, Eli,” I said firmly.
When he’d said his visits home weren’t enough, I knew he was blaming himself.
“I was his twin brother, for fuck’s sake,” he cursed, and then downed a little more of his drink. “I should have been there more, even if I had to do all his crazy shit along with him. It’s fucked up that I only started seriously pursuing those things after he died.”
Actually, it wasn’t so crazy. Eli had been feeling the pain of being cut off from his twin, and he’d wanted to somehow find a way to keep Austin alive. He’d done that by twisting himself into his brother.
He nodded to the envelope in my hand as he explained, “That picture of the two of us at one of his auto races was the last time we were ever together. It was the summer after I’d finished my doctorate. He gave me hell all the time about being boring and not living my life. We’d started to spend more time together, and I was fucking determined to get his ass straightened out, even if I had to climb mountains and learn to hang glide.”
I felt my eyes well up with tears. I tried to keep them in check. I knew it wasn’t the end of the story. But it was killing me to think about Eli trying so hard to get close to his brother but being unable to save Austin.
I watched as Eli drained his glass and slammed it on the end table next to him. “My brother used to tell me to keep the crazy going. It was pretty much his motto in life. ‘Keep the crazy going, bro.’ It was the last thing he said to me the day before he died.”
My heart sank. Eli had obviously taken his brother’s words to heart, and he’d spun himself into a man he really wasn’t to keep the memory of his brother alive.
The tattooed arm.
The crazy stunts.
The extreme challenges.
Taking over his father’s company.
Everything Eli had done since he’d lost his identical twin revolved around making himself into two men. His brother, and himself.
In some ways, I got why he was doing it. Lord knew I would have done anything I could to deny the fact that I’d lost Brooke. But I couldn’t really imagine it because I hadn’t had to live through it like Eli had.
“You don’t have to be Austin,” I told him gently. “I think you can honor his memory without turning into a version of both of you.”
Eli glared at me. “He asked for it. He wanted me to keep the crazy going.”
If my sister had asked something specific of me, maybe I would have done the same thing. But I think it was time that Eli stopped trying to be anybody except himself.
The tears let loose, and I let them fall. My heart was aching, and it was the only way I could lessen the pain. “I don’t think he meant it that way. How did he die?”
“Austin loved the property that you wanted to buy from me. It was a perfect party spot. Nobody around. No cops to bust him for illegal drugs. No problems with any excessive noise from his crazy party friends, like Joel and the rest of the gang from college. Joel and a few other guys were from California, so the party didn’t end when my dad pulled Austin back home. Only the location had changed.”
My heart was in my throat, but I forced two words from my mouth. “What happened?”
“Another party out on the family property. To this day, we aren’t quite sure what happened. Joel and Austin’s other buddies had passed out. They found him at the bottom of a cliff the next morning. Austin fell and broke his neck.”
I stifled a sob by biting my lip.
Eli finally looked me directly in the eyes as he finished. “You want to know why I won’t sell you that useless piece of land? Maybe because it’s not useless to me. My brother died there, Jade. He spent his last moments teetering on a ledge, probably high and completely drunk, before he fell to his death. But I can’t let go of the property, because my brother spent his last moments on Earth there. I hate the damn place, but I can’t fucking let it go.”
The reason why he’d freaked out when he saw me on the edge of the rappelling cliff made sense to me now. He had been terrified, and it was because he’d already lost somebody he cared about to a reckless fall. And just like he’d done with his brother, he blamed himself for my accident.
I gave up trying to pretend that my heart wasn’t breaking for Eli. I stumbled to my feet, walked over to him, and dropped into his lap so I could wrap my arms around his shuddering body.
He lowered his head, and I put mine on top of his. I comforted the most ballsy man I knew while he wept.
CHAPTER 23
JADE
I had no idea whether Eli would have let himself be vulnerable if he hadn’t downed a significant amount of whisky, but it really didn’t matter.
Somehow, I knew he needed to grieve, and to sort out the jumble of emotions he’d held inside for too damn long.
My tears flowed, most of them being absorbed by Eli’s white shirt, while I held on to him like my life depended on it.
I squeaked as he finally composed himself and rose with my body cradled in his arms. “What are you doing?” I asked in a surprised tone.
He lowered me to my feet slowly, and then proceeded to dry the tears that were still pouring down my cheeks. When he was done, he palmed the side of my face, stroking a thumb down my cheek as he said huskily, “I’m about to find out where the zipper of this dress is hidden.”
