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“I want to believe it though.” Then it wouldn’t hurt like this. “Why am I like this?”
“Mom always said when Callahan men fall for a woman, we fall hard and with no reservations.”
“She’s right again.” I smiled as I drank.
“She’s always right. It’s annoying, isn’t it?” He shook his head.
I stared into my glass and took a deep breath. “You remember when you said to stay away from good girls?”
“Don’t start listening to me now.”
I snorted. “But you were wrong. They don’t break us. We break us. By hurting them, we break us.”
“Declan—”
“He’s going to kill her isn’t he? Even if I don’t do it he will make sure she dies. He will never trust an outsider enough to let them know our secret.”
“Then don’t give up on her.”
I shook my head. He hadn’t seen the way she looked at me. Like I was monster…and I was.
“This is too much. She’s scared and I don’t want to be selfish any more than I already have been.”
Liam patted my shoulder and grinned. “Always be selfish, that’s my motto.”
ELEVEN
“Loving you never was an option – it was necessity.”
?Unknown
CORALINE
DAY 1
It had been twenty-four hours since it felt like my world had imploded. I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed. I couldn’t go to work knowing what I knew. Rolling over, I reached for my laptop. Lifting the screen, my email popped up, and the very first thing I saw was a message from him in my inbox.
Slamming the damn thing shut, I turned back around. I lay there for a few minutes, but I felt like it was calling out to me like the One Ring had called to Frodo.
I need to work. I should just delete it.
Sitting up, I grabbed my laptop once more and opened it. I tried to delete it as fast as I could, but my eyes were able to read it faster.
No moment with you was lie.
But I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth. I didn’t want to let go of you.
Declan A. Callahan.
PS—I love you
It was simple, short, and sweet.
Sweet? He wasn’t sweet. He was a murderer. What the hell is wrong with you, Coraline?
DAY 2
Would you have hated me if I had waited longer? If I would’ve waited until you felt the same way about me as I do about you, before I told you the truth? I woke up today wondering that. I hope you are alright.
Declan Callahan
PS—I love you.
I paused and stared at the screen of my desktop computer in the office.
Swallowing slowly, I rubbed the top of my chest. I wished he would stop. No. What I really wished for was for him to be someone different; to be the man I thought he was.
DAY 3
“Ms. Wilson?” Constanza came into my office as I stared out at the Chicago landscape. I hated how bright and sunny it was outside today. I felt like it needed to be dark, gloomy, and raining.
The sun should know when to hide.
“Ms. Wilson?”
Turning around to her, I watched as she took off her glasses and held them up to the light. Satisfied, she placed it back on her face and looked at me.
“No offense, ma’am, but you don’t look well.”
I didn’t feel well.
“I’m alright, Constanza. What is it?”
“Mr. Stevens wanted to set up a dinner meeting with a client on Friday and wants to know if you’re free.”
“That’s fine, thank you,” I muttered as I turned back around and resumed staring out the window. However, before I could allow myself to be lost in my thoughts, my phone buzzed, and once again there was another email from him.
I took a deep breath knowing full well that I shouldn’t read it, but I couldn’t help myself.
I’m not poet. I’m not really good at words. The last book I read was a computer programming manual. I have so much I want to say to you. I want to go back to that week. I want to hear you laugh. I want to see you. Hold you. Love you. But most of all, I want you to want the same things. I’ve never missed anyone as much as I’ve missed you.
That’s all I can think to say.
Declan.
PS—I love you.
“Why?” I cried as I dropped my head into my lap. Why couldn’t he normal? Everything would’ve been perfect if it wasn’t for this one, small thing.
Small? It was the exact opposite of small! His secret, his family’s secret, was too big…too wrong. I’d Googled the Irish mob and the things that came up…it scared me. I couldn’t imagine Declan like that. He was sweet and kind and funny. I didn’t feel alone when I was with him.
Now that he was gone, I felt more alone than I ever had.
“If you ever feel lonely. Call me…I’ll be there in any way you need me to be. I swear,” I heard him whisper in my mind.
I needed him here…my Declan, not some mafia hit man.
DAY 4
I think I should apologize for my last couple of emails. If you haven’t noticed, I’m selfish, Coraline. I’m horribly selfish, and because of that, I only think about what I want or need. I’m sorry for that. I’ve lived this life for so long that it’s not a big deal to me anymore, it’s just what we do. It’s who we are, and no one else blinks an eye at it. I can’t even imagine what you must be thinking. How scared you must have been when I told you, and how scared you must feel now. This isn’t just a small thing, a tiny character flaw. It’s huge. It’s ugly. And I have to accept that it is part of me. But you don’t.
I don’t want you to be afraid. I want you to smile and laugh and go out. I want you to go to Greece and where ever else you want to go. God, Coraline, I want so much happiness for you that even knowing that it won’t be with me is okay because I never deserved you. I knew that but I tried anyway and I hurt you. I’m sorry for that too. The man you wake up next to in ten years should have a normal job…a normal family. Part of me wishes that I could tell him to not fuck up because you really need someone to step up for you. To be everything you ever need.
He should take you out at least twice…no, three times a week. He should buy you flowers…hell, he should know what type of flowers you like. He should treasure you…worship you, because you honestly are worth that and so much more.
I fell in love with you the moment you walked into the Eastside Diner. I was a blubbering fool who I couldn’t take his eyes off you. I almost poured a whole can of sugar into my coffee, and stole some kid’s umbrella (not my finest moment) just to have an excuse to talk to you. But before I could get the words out, you were gone. I should have known then that you were out of my league. Smart. Beautiful. Funny. Cute. Sexy. Breathtaking…and above all, honest. Who the hell did I think I was to deserve that? A monster should not hang around a queen…he’ll forget his place. I’m supposed to be the thing in the shadows, or under the bed. And you, Coraline, shouldn’t be with a monster.
Thank you for giving me two of my firsts. I’m never going to forget falling for you and I’m so sorry again that I hurt you. You’ll be fine. I promise that I won’t ever let anyone touch you.
Declan.
PS I will always love you.
