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And I was fucking low.
Ground level.
Deeper.
Buried, really.
But I hadn't given any thought to self-conclusion.
I didn't want an end to the pain. I didn't feel deserving of that release.
"But you can be better than that, Reeve. You know you can. You're just... not."
That was a little confrontational. At least for Cyrus. If he had ever felt that way before, he kept it to himself. But maybe it was new. Maybe it was because the acceptable time had passed. Maybe he thought it was time to buck up and move on.
Hell, maybe he was even right.
The problem was, I didn't want to subject anyone to me. To my potential to never truly be happy, be the person someone wanted of me. I could try. I knew me; I would try. Because that was just the kind of person I was. I would do what it took. I just didn't know if I had what it took. I didn't like admitting that, not even to myself. It irked me. It made me feel like less of a man not to be able to handle my shit like I should. But that didn't change the fact that I didn't think I could do it, could change enough to be enough for a good woman. And it was all kinds of wrong to go into something believing I might not be able to handle it, to drag someone into my mess, to get their hopes up, and end up crushing them.
Choosing not to go there was the kindest thing.
Even if it did prevent me from attempting to have a life better than fine.
I could handle fine forever.
I couldn't handle fucking up someone else's life like mine was.
Case closed.
"I'm not dragging other people into this hole with me, Cy. I know you love me, and want better for me. But I need you to think of this from the other perspective too. You wouldn't like it if someone like me got Wasps's hopes up, only to fuck her over in the end. I don't want to be that guy, bro. That's the end of it."
I knew I had him there.
See, we both knew Wasp.
We knew there wasn't a woman in the world more capable of handling herself with men. She lived her life conning them. She thrived on that shit. No one got the better of her. And she never let someone hurt her.
That being said, if some guy got under those guards and managed the impossible, but was not able to follow through because of demons he knew lived on his back, then yeah, Cy would have been fucking furious.
It shouldn't have been different because Rey wasn't Wasp.
Actually, if anything, it was worse.
Because Rey wasn't Wasp. True, I didn't know the woman that well, but she sure as fuck didn't strike me as someone who could live her life taking advantage of some men, and keeping all others either out of arm's reach or on her hook where she wanted them.
Cy was right; she was airy.
My fucked up past would suffocate her.
She wouldn't even know it until she was gasping for breath.
I wasn't going to do that.
And Cyrus was too good of a man to expect me to.
"I don't like this," Cy admitted, shaking his head.
"Don't think you're supposed to, man. I appreciate the love and good intentions. But this isn't going to happen."
There was a sharp knock at the door that pushed open without an answer, making Cy have to jump off it, so he didn't get pushed into the dresser.
"If you are done braiding each other's hair," Virgin said as he stepped in, giving us a smirk, "Cash called and asked if Reeve can pop over to the gym. Something about the outside lights flickering. I think Jstorm said something about I am not going to be liable for someone's fucking epileptic seizure over some outdoor lights or something."
"Yeah, I will head over. Got nothing going on until later." When I would be on watch outside Marco's - once Richard Lyon's - compound.
It probably didn't need to be watched as closely as we were still watching it after all this time. Marco seemed perfectly happy to be a cocaine kingpin. And why wouldn't he? He finally got what he had never had being a pawn to the higher-ups in the old organization. He got respect, power, and money. For someone who had always been at someone else's beck and call, that was likely enough.
At least for now.
There was no reason to start turf wars and shit when things had been going amicably for so long with all the syndicates. Regardless of what anyone wanted to think about underground empires, they were still a business. Violence was bad for business. It cost you lives and reputation. He was smart to be playing it safe for now.
