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I exhaled slowly. "You're not wrong," I agreed. It didn't make me feel better, but I could see the logic there. "I shouldn't be this moody about it," I added, shaking my head at myself. "I just... I never get to make any connections. I don't have a single friend in the world who I am not related to. I don't even know what it's like to fall asleep with a man. Or to wake up to one. Or to be able to talk about the future with one." I reached up, wiping a stupid, useless tear off my cheek. "I hate him for showing me what I have never been aware of wanting before."
King snorted at that, shaking his head. "No, you don't."
"No, I don't," I agreed with a small smile.
"I get you need to process this, and take your time with that. But also maybe stop to consider that this wasn't a completely terrible thing to happen. Let me finish," he said when I opened my mouth to say something. "Not because you feel shitty now, but because feeling shitty now means that something isn't right, you need to make a change. We've all been in this revolving door for a decade now. I'm starting to worry that none of you have stopped and thought about possibly wanting more."
"Have you?"
"Kid, I'm closing in on forty here. Of fucking course I have thought about what else I want out of life."
It was right about then that I felt an almost overwhelming surge of guilt. Not just for being a mopey baby for the past couple of weeks, but because I had been so obsessed with my own little dramas for the past decade that I couldn't see my brother wasn't happy either. Of course he felt the strain more than the rest of us, most especially more than me, the youngest. He had sacrificed his whole life without a hesitation, taking us all in one-by-one. For my brothers, as they just aged up and wanted a little more freedom. Me, when I was thrust upon him by our mother's untimely death. And he was never resentful. He never once made me feel like I was a burden, though I knew there were days when that's what I absolutely was. He never got to find a steady woman, have a house, kids, a normal job. And unlike me, he wasn't still young.
God, we had all lost so, so much without even truly realizing it.
"Don't give me that look, Scott," he said, shaking his head at me. "I don't regret one day of this. Not even when your crazy ass was seventeen and made me go back to the goddamn pharmacy three times because I didn't get the right tampons, and you were too embarrassed to do it yourself. And, let me tell you, that was not an easy day," he said, giving me a smile. "Not even the day when Rush gave himself alcohol poisoning and I had to sit next to him after the stomach pump, an ulcer burning a bigger hole in my stomach. None of it, Scott. It's been a fucking honor to get to be a father figure to all of you."
"But we're all grown now, King. I'm not saying we don't need you, because we do. Me especially. But if this isn't what you want anymore, figure out what you do, and follow it."
"I'm supposed to be the one giving the pep talk here, kid," he said with a smile, reaching out to tug a strand of my hair as the chick came peeping back at me. "Sure about that imprinting thing?"
"Um... no?" I said, making an "eek" face. "What do you think the laws are regarding bringing live poultry into China or Russia?" I put him back down, and he ran off. "I'm sorry I've been a grouch, King. I know it brings the whole morale down."
"Hey, you know, I'm actually kind of happy you've been in a shit mood. No," he said, holding up a hand when I went to object. "Not because I like seeing you unhappy. Far from. But because it's the first time I've seen you feel deeply about something in, fuck, I don't even know how long. I'd hate to think that by choosing this lifestyle it stunted your growth, made you hardened or unable to experience the desire for something more. I'm glad that isn't the case," he said, getting onto his feet, brushing off his jeans, then reaching down to pull me onto my feet. When I was, he hauled me against him, giving me a tight squeeze I didn't realize how badly I needed. "Three more jobs," he said in a reassuring voice.
"Three more jobs," I agreed with a nod as we walked back toward the house.
