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By the time Clay got out of his shower and joined him in the kitchen, he’d plated up some toasted bagels and scrambled eggs.
“This looks great. Thank you. Coffee?”
Dane handed him the mug he’d just poured, then cradled his own and took a healthy swallow, burning his tongue.
Clay looked good with his brown hair wet and slicked away from his face. It threw his handsome features into stark relief, making his eyes look big. A pair of Dane’s sweats were molded to his thighs while his shoulders stretched one of his old football T-shirts. His tattoos peeked out from underneath the sleeve.
A part of him really liked the man in his clothes. It was a primitive thought, but he dismissed it. It was just sexy—that was all.
They took their plates into the living room and sat on the couch. He curled one leg underneath him and dug into the eggs. His hungry belly thanked him immediately as it settled down.
The breakfast companionship sent a happy thrum through his body, and he stared at Clay as he bit into his bagel. Sex the previous night was still blowing his mind. It had been incredible. Experiencing Clay inside his body had ended up being one of the best feelings. Having the man over him, against him, sleeping with him—it was all better than he’d expected.
He looked at his plate and thought about the last two years of eating meals alone. Of sleeping alone. With his pain. The pain was still there and always would be, but he couldn’t ignore how good it felt to be with Clay.
Did he deserve this?
Part of him said no, determined to still punish himself for surviving.
But another part—one that had been largely silent for two years—felt things like relief, desire for more…happiness.
Being happy was such a foreign concept. It had been so long since he’d experienced it.
“You’re staring,” Clay said, the corner of his mouth turning up.
“Sorry. I was just thinking that this is nice, too. Sharing a meal with someone. It’s those little things you find you miss most when…well, when they’re taken away.”
Clay put a hand on his thigh and squeezed. “You didn’t die with your family. Your life has to go on.”
“But it’s felt like cheating, you know?”
Clay’s expression tightened. “What you and I did?”
“No, not that part.” He sighed. “Let me see if I can put this into the right words.…It feels like I should have died with them. That going on at all is cheating and I’ve felt that way since it happened. The guilt over not being home, not being there to help them or even die with them, it’s mapped every second of my life for two long years. You’ve reminded me that I am alive and that maybe…maybe I don’t have to stay in a sort of stasis.”
“Heavy thoughts for bagels and eggs.” Clay smiled at him again. “But I understand. It’s easier for me to see that you need this, because I’m coming at it from an objective point of view. I’m an outsider who didn’t know you then. Didn’t know your family.” He shrugged. “And yeah, some of my feelings are a lot more personal and possibly selfish. I really like you, Dane. What we have going is new for me, too, and of course I don’t want you to feel guilty about it.”
“That’s the thing; I don’t feel guilty for sleeping with you. I’m not feeling guilty for enjoying this breakfast with you. It’s the first time I haven’t felt guilt in so long, I don’t even know how to accept it.”
“Maybe that’s all you can do. Accept it.”
“Yeah, maybe. All I really know is, I like being with you and I want more.”
“So do I.”
Dane paused and licked his lips. “But I’m also a little afraid.”
“Of what?”
“That if we continue, my feelings will only grow stronger. You could very well hurt me badly when you leave again.”
Clay looked away from him. “I don’t know that I’ll stay, Dane. I don’t know about forever. But I do know I’ll be here for a while—probably a long time. There’s a reason I’m here. A reason Baer and Grey are here.” He looked back. “I even believe there might be a reason you’re here. Maybe it’s to teach me there’s more to life than being on the run.”
“Fate brought us together? You believe that?”
Clay gave a little snort, his smile turning wry. “I don’t know what I believe right now. Life moves in mysterious ways, and who am I to question it?” He took a bite of his bagel, leaving a smear of cream cheese on his lip.
Dane reached out, wiped it off, and stuck his thumb into his mouth.
Clay grinned at him, and the swell of joy that filled his chest should have taken him by surprise, but maybe Clay was right.
