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Noah lifted his eyes to Rowe and it was like being hit in the chest with a sledgehammer. Rowe had thought it was impossible for Noah to hide anything from him, but in that moment, Noah dropped his guard, letting all his pain shine in his bright blue eyes. This was so much more than sex for Noah and Rowe was slowly killing this man.
“But…it’s you,” Noah said, his voice a rough whisper. “And it will never be just sex with you. I—” Noah broke off suddenly, closing his eyes as if he were battling for control. Rowe rubbed his chest, suddenly both fearing and hoping for him to finish that sentence. “I need more from you, but you can’t. I understand, but I also can’t be your fuck buddy. It…it just won’t work.”
“You don’t have to leave.”
A harsh laugh broke from Noah. “Of course I do. You’re a fucking drug. I can’t say no to you. Every night I tell myself that I’m going to lock the door or kick you the fuck out of the bed, but then you’re there and I’m lying to myself that it won’t tear me up the next morning when I realize that it didn’t mean shit to you.”
Rowe shifted from one foot to the other, swallowing back a joke about being that good in bed. The joke was easier to think about, because the words really fighting to get out were the ones that denied that sex with Noah meant nothing to him. If it meant nothing, if Noah meant nothing to him, he wouldn’t be so desperate to keep Noah sleeping in this bed, in this room, just twenty-three steps from Rowe’s own bed.
A sad smile briefly lifted Noah’s lips as he stared across the room at Rowe. Something in that look had Rowe’s brain screaming desperately No! That look felt like a good-bye and he couldn’t have that.
“We’ll always be friends, I promise you that,” Noah said, his voice low and rough. “It might take us a little bit to get back to exactly where we were, but we’ll get past this and we’ll be fine.”
“Stay.”
“Rowe—”
“I’ll stop. No more sex,” he quickly added before Noah could put him off with more logic. He was done with logic and good sense and smart decisions, because all of Noah’s good sense was taking him away from Rowe and that so wasn’t going to fucking work. He forced a cocky grin when he felt anything but. “You know, you’re not that irresistible. I can keep it in my pants.”
Some of the sadness faded from Noah’s smile, but there was no missing the tension that continued to fill his frame or the fact that the entire length of the room still separated them. And that just felt wrong.
Pushing away from the doorjamb, Rowe slowly entered the room, walking around the bed so that he was just a few feet away from Noah. He tried to ignore the fact that Noah actually took a step backward, stopping only when the nightstand pressed against the back of his leg. He ignored the fact that Noah’s entire body looked like a tensed muscle and one wrong move from Rowe would send Noah leaping over the bed to get away from him. A faint hint of cigarette smoke tinged the air and it sliced through Rowe. Noah had never been more than a social smoker, bumming a cigarette here or there as a night cap to an enjoyable evening of drinking in bars. But Rowe had been noticing the smell more often the past several days when they were home at night, as if the man were sneaking cigarettes when he took the dogs out in an effort to calm his nerves.
He extended his right hand to Noah, not even trying to hide the fact that his fingers were trembling. He couldn’t lose Noah. Mel’s death had destroyed his life, but Noah had given him balance and laughter again. He lifted him out of the abyss and made him feel alive. He had to find a way to meet Noah…at least part of the way. After years of loyalty, patience, and unwavering love, Noah deserved at least that.
But he was afraid. Was it too late? They were both so damn broken in their own way. Despite Noah’s promise of friendship and returning to their “normal,” had they already run past the point of fixing this?
“I’ll stop. I promise.” He could feel the cracks forming in his smile, slipping from where he’d pinned it to his cheeks. “No more sex…unless I can give you what you need.” Noah took his hand and started to speak, but Rowe immediately squeezed his fingers and jerked him close. He wrapped his left arm around Noah’s waist and nestled his face in his neck, taking his first easy breath since walking in the door. Noah hesitated only a moment before wrapping his free arm around Rowe, holding him tight.
