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He paused, chest aching. “And what if I don’t remember? What about those kids? Yes, it was a nightmare for me, but I know it could be a hell of a lot worse for them. If I don’t remember, there are a lot of innocent kids who aren’t going to escape and they’re going to suffer through a nightmare with no hope of escape. No hope of seeing their families again. No—”
Noah’s hand clamped down on Ian’s forearm, jerking him out of the black swirling thoughts that were consuming him. Oh fuck, he was drowning! His heart was pounding so hard in his chest he was sure he was about to have a heart attack. The world swam in his vision and little white spots broke out, trying to blot out the trees.
“Ian! Stop it! Deep breath!” Noah commanded. Ian immediately did as Noah directed, stunned by his authoritative tone of voice. In that second, all of Noah’s years of command as a Ranger came through and it was damn intimidating. “That’s it. In through your nose and hold it.” His tone remained firm as he talked Ian down from his panic attack. “Good. Exhale.”
Ian took several more deep breaths, letting the anxiety and tension leave with each cleansing release. It was only when he relaxed in his seat again that Noah let go of his arm.
“Sorry,” Ian murmured, feeling embarrassed by his momentary breakdown. They were all under a lot of stress and worry. He needed to do a better job of holding his shit together.
“Don’t apologize. I know this has been hard on you.”
“It’s hard on everyone. We’re all targets. We all want to catch him and free the kids.”
“But you were there. This is bringing back old memories. Things you hoped to move past.”
Resting his elbow on the door, he leaned his head against his fist and smirked at the man with the bright blue eyes and curly sandy blond hair. Everything was deceptive about Noah Keegan. He looked like an easygoing California surfer dude with a quick grin and great laugh. But those sharp eyes saw too much. Sort of like Andrei. “Maybe I should have asked Rowe. He’s not usually so observant.”
“Nah. He knows.” Noah stared at Ian for a second, his entire body relaxing as if he was finally shedding the remnant of the Ranger that had perked up its head moments ago. “He doesn’t like talking about your past because he doesn’t want to hurt you. But he knows and it’s tearing him up. He’s had his own share of nightmares and sleepless nights since this started.”
“I’m sorry.”
“First,” Noah said sharply, holding up one finger, “not your fault. None of this is your fault in any way. No more apologies. And second,” he said, ticking up another finger, “while I would never wish a nightmare on Rowe, they do mean that he wakes me up and gives me the chance to replace the bad memory with something good. And that I enjoy very much.”
Ian laughed. “That’s a good plan. I take it everything is going well between you?”
Noah gave a shrug, but there was no missing the blissfully happy expression lighting his face. “Nothing is ever easy with Ward, but yeah, things are generally good.”
“Mel.” Rowe’s wife’s name slipped from his lips as a whisper before he could catch himself, and the smile fell from Noah’s face. He almost apologized again but stopped.
“Yeah, he has his bad days, and I know it’s not going to be easy with Christmas just around the corner. A part of me wishes we could skip over the holiday and try again next year when he’s had a little more time.”
Noah turned the wheel after a car passed going the opposite direction and he took the truck down an even narrower, winding road Ian hadn’t seen before. It was clear that Noah had taken some time learning the various back roads because the man wasn’t even using the GPS on his phone for directions.
“You’ll help him get through it,” Ian said.
Noah smiled, warm and full of love for the man still back at the little ranch house in the middle of nowhere. Their conversation drifted to lighter topics as they drove nearly half an hour away from the safe house to a massive Kroger tucked among the rolling hills that looked as if they’d once been filled with farms but were now populated with new subdivisions.
“If I agree to push the cart, do I get to occasionally put things in the cart?” Noah teased as he put the truck into park in the large lot in front of the sprawling store.
“I don’t know. Do you like to eat processed crap like Rowan?”
“Hell yeah! Fake cheese. Those puffy popcorns that are like eating Styrofoam. Ooooh! And anything that comes in a pressurized canister so I can just spray it in my mouth.”
