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“Let’s talk in the bedroom,” Noah said, not waiting for an answer as he turned and headed that direction.
JB raised an eyebrow at him, amusement playing about the corner of his lips.
Rowe could tell Noah was annoyed with him and he understood. He’d feel the same in Noah’s shoes, but he had no intention of taking Noah with him to meet with Cal. Yeah, Noah knew the man, too, but Rowe and Cal had kept up after he’d left the service. Rowe did jobs at Cal’s request that he hadn’t exactly discussed with Noah in the past. There was a long-built trust between them, and Rowe was afraid that Cal might not be as forthcoming with information if Noah was there.
When they got to the bedroom, Noah shut the door, flipped on the light, and crossed his arms. The scowl on his face told Rowe volumes about how he liked this new idea. “What’s the deal, Rowan?”
He inwardly flinched. Noah only pulled out his full name when he was truly pissed. But for now, he thought it was safest to play dumb. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Why the hell don’t you want me meeting with Cal?”
“I told you that I want you to check on Sally. Plus, it’s to protect Cal.”
“Don’t hand me that bullshit. I know you.”
“That’s not bullshit.” It wasn’t a lie, but it also wasn’t the entire truth.
“Does this have to do with all that Black Ops shit you’ve done?” Noah walked over to Rowe, leaning close so that his nose was only an inch away from Rowe’s. “Don’t forget that I’ve seen your so-called storage warehouse in the middle of nowhere with all the toys you won’t even share with your Ward Security boys. You’ve even mentioned your Black Ops missions in passing. You haven’t taken on a secret mission since you’ve been with me, but I know you did them before. Are you trying to protect your own secrets here?”
Rowe was silent for several long moments. Was he? The truth was…no, he didn’t want Noah to know about some of the questionable shit Cal and others had him do. And he’d pretty much stopped all that activity since he’d been with Noah. He’d pass along any intel if he had it. Offer advice on how to handle something. But he hadn’t suited up and gone into the field since Noah came back into his life.
“You still don’t trust me.” The hurt in Noah’s eyes speared through him.
“What?”
“You don’t trust me. Not the way I want you to.”
Rowe’s mouth fell open and his stomach knotted. “Of course I trust you. I trust you more than anyone on this Earth.”
“Did you tell Mel about your Black Ops shit? Did she know what you did?”
Rowe swallowed hard and slowly shook his head. “She knew I occasionally went out of town…for government work.”
“But didn’t know you were putting yourself in danger?”
“No.”
“What about Lucas, Snow, and Ian? Did they know?”
“Fuck no,” Rowe said in horror.
“Why? Why do you do it? And keep it a secret from everyone?”
Rowe shoved his hands through his hair. “It started years ago. When I first got out and was healed from the damn shot to my ticker. I was bored out of my mind. I was so used to being active, in the middle of things. Cal contacted me. Said he had a friend in the CIA who needed a favor. It was a quick job over in Eastern Europe, Croatia. I said sure. Anything to be active. The whole thing took three days and I was back home. No one knew and I felt useful again.”
“But if you’d been killed, would anyone have known what happened to you?”
“There’s always a handler. People would have been told a story. Not the truth, but they’d know I was dead.”
Noah gave a little groan as he paced away. Guilt tore through Rowe at the sound. He didn’t mean to hurt Noah with this. In truth, he hadn’t given it much thought because he’d stopped a while ago. These little missions weren’t a part of his life any longer.
“Why did you stop?” Noah turned back to him, eyes narrowed. “Was it because of me?”
Rowe winced, unsure of how Noah would react to this. “No. I made the decision to stop going into the field after Mel’s last Thanksgiving. There had been that whole pregnancy scare thing, which got us thinking and talking about whether we wanted to have kids. I knew that if we were going to have kids, I couldn’t go on these damn missions anymore. The risk was too big that she’d be left alone to raise our kid or kids. Couldn’t do that to her.”
Noah’s shoulders slumped a little, and Rowe hated that he couldn’t read his lover’s mind. “Do you want to do the missions again? We don’t have kids.”
