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“You seem really happy, Noah,” JB said into the quiet of the car, the only noise the hum of the vents and the engine. They passed neighborhoods and lots of trees and got onto the George Washington Memorial Parkway. As expected…they hit traffic. “I’m happy for you, but I have to say, it’s a little hard to see it sometimes.”
He glanced at JB to find a contemplative expression on his face. “Why is that?”
The smile JB gave him then held a hint of melancholy. “I really cared about you. I knew what we were doing was just casual, but it ended up meaning more to me. To be honest, I felt like you could possibly be the one. My forever man.”
Shock froze him for a moment as they stopped. He’d known the man had cared for him, but not quite that much. Regret tightened his lips as he regarded JB. “I hadn’t realized. Fuck, I’m sorry, JB.”
“Don’t feel bad, though back then I wanted you to hurt like I did.” JB shrugged. “But a part of me always knew I could never have that same level of caring from you, so it wasn’t totally a surprise when you broke things off. At the time, I was devastated, but hopefully I hid that.”
“You did. I didn’t mean to make you feel I didn’t care.” He hit the gas when the car in front of them moved.
JB ran his hands down his jeans. “No, you did care. As much as you could. You aren’t the type to really string someone along—you just didn’t care the way I wanted you to. There was something in your voice when you talked about Rowe. I knew your feelings for him ran deep. I just hoped maybe I could change your mind. But now that I see you with him…well, it’s obvious you two belong together. Not sure I’ve ever seen two people more suited to each other.”
“I love him more than I thought it possible to love anyone.” He didn’t want to hurt JB and didn’t think the man’s feelings still ran deep, but he also wanted to be honest with him. Rowe was it for him and always would be.
“There’s something off, though. I can sense you’re holding back.” He fiddled with one of the vents like he was suddenly uncomfortable. “I did get to know you quite well, and you were holding back even more with me.” He paused. “You know you can talk to me if you need to. I’d like us to at least go back to being friends.”
He was quiet as traffic picked up and they headed down the parkway, passing along the Potomac River. The sun sparkled on the water. He stayed that way all the way into Alexandria. When Noah pulled down Sally’s street, he looked into the parked cars. Thankfully, they were all empty. He brought the Jeep to a stop outside her house and sighed.
It wasn’t as if he could have this conversation with any of his friends in Cincinnati. He looked back at JB to find the man quietly watching him. He could only hope all those old feelings were a part of his past now. He did feel the need to spill his guts. They’d started out as good friends, and he’d like to think they were again.
“There are still some unresolved issues with us that have to do with the usual. Marriage and kids.” He thought of Mel, of all the pictures he’d hung up of the woman because he hadn’t wanted to erase such an important time in Rowe’s life. But sometimes, he felt like he could never truly compare to the woman of Rowe’s memories. His friends talked about her and she’d sounded so great. “Did you know Rowe used to be married to a woman?”
“He told me about that. I saw all the pictures at your house, too.”
“From what I can tell, she was pretty damned perfect for him.”
“And you think you aren’t?”
He had to smile at the incredulity in JB’s response. “No, it’s not that. Well, maybe a little, but that’s just my own insecurity. What we have is obviously different. I just wish I knew how he felt about marriage. Every time the subject comes up, he does this tensing thing and deflects. Makes a joke.” He flexed his fingers on the steering wheel. A small black-and-gray bird lit onto the hood of the Jeep, then flew off. “Drives me nuts with worry.”
“What do you want?” JB asked.
“I like what we have now. No, I love it. It feels right to me. I don’t need to have some legal paper telling me it’s real, and I’m sure I don’t want kids. I like the freedom we have. I like being able to take off hiking or hell, skydiving, on a whim. Things like that. I know you can still do that with kids, it’s just not something I really want. I like kids, don’t get me wrong—”
