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“So do I. I don’t want to hurt you, so I pretend everything is okay. The same way you pretend that you’re fine. Or pretend that the nightmares that get you out of bed to cook at four a.m. have nothing to do with Jagger.”
Ian balled his hands into fists and turned to glare at Hollis. “Is rehashing the past really going to make things better?”
“Maybe. If it means that you stop pretending and running, then yeah, we need to talk.”
“What the hell are you talking about? Who’s running?”
“You are! You were planning the new restaurant at the same time as our wedding. We were barely back from our honeymoon before you started researching what it takes to be a foster parent. You didn’t pause to think what our schedules were already like. You just jumped right in. You are running from one thing to the next so that you never have to sit still, never have to think about the things that are bothering you from your past.”
“I’m done putting my life on hold for Boris Jagger and Dwight Gratton and all those fucks from my past!” Ian shouted, pointing behind him where all the rest of his bad memories waited. “I’m going to be thirty this year. I want to finally live my life.”
“What? All at once? You got eggs that are suddenly going to go bad if you slow down just a little?” Hollis taunted.
“Fuck you!” Ian shouted, hating the tears he could hear in his voice. “I’m done waiting. I waited for Jagger to lose interest in me. I waited for the guys to finally start letting me live my own life. I fucking waited for you!”
“And fuck you for making me feel like I can’t talk to you about shit! For making me walk on eggshells so I won’t interfere with your plans for the perfect life.”
Ian stormed out of the living room with a dismissive wave of his hand at Hollis. Stomping to the bedroom, he slammed the door shut behind him. He couldn’t talk to him anymore. Couldn’t even look at him. Hollis wasn’t listening to him. Talking about Jagger wasn’t going to fix anything. It wasn’t going to erase his past or suddenly make everything better.
He dropped down on the floor and leaned against the side of the bed. His head throbbed and his throat felt raw from fighting back the tears. It was their first serious argument. They’d had some small blowups over the past few years, usually about Ian taking risks and Hollis being overprotective.
But this one was different. It was the first time he’d ever said, “Fuck you!” to Hollis like that. How could Hollis keep something as big as seeing a former Jagger goon from him? Telling him wouldn’t have been the same as demanding to know what his life had been like in Jagger’s house. Or how often he’d been forced to fuck the man. Those things he didn’t want to talk about, didn’t want to relive in his head.
Ian scrubbed his hands through his hair. Even if he didn’t talk about them, Hollis knew of them on some level because of his time undercover. His husband was forced to deal with that knowledge with no outlet. And the idea that Hollis felt like he couldn’t talk to Ian gutted him so deeply. He was always there for Hollis. No matter what. How could he think that he couldn’t talk to Ian?
Except that talking about it forced Ian to think about it, relive it, and that would cause Ian new pain. Something Hollis never wanted to do.
What the hell were they supposed to do?
Go to counseling?
Jesus, they both obviously needed it. Solo and together.
Ian had gone to a therapist for a few years after coming to live with Lucas and the others. She’d helped him deal with a lot of shit and move on so that he’d feel safe in life to pursue his dreams. But he’d stopped before the final confrontation with Jagger and never returned. Old wounds had been reopened and never truly closed again. God only knew the wounds that Hollis was nursing since they didn’t talk about this stuff.
Hell. They’d been married for only a few months and they needed to go to counseling already. Ian was sure he couldn’t feel like a bigger failure.
But then, most couples weren’t dealing with a past like Ian’s. Most couples weren’t dealing with old memories from an evil crime boss. Most couples weren’t dealing with a lunatic trying to destroy Ian’s restaurant and possibly his life.
Didn’t matter. Ian didn’t give a shit about other couples or what his family might think. The only thing that mattered to him was Hollis. He wanted Hollis to be happy. He didn’t want Hollis hiding his pain anymore. Didn’t want to hide from his own.
