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“This sounds so much better than hockey hooker support. You need to do something that showcases your generosity beyond sharing your yeti love.”
I roll my eyes. “You can’t help yourself, can you?”
“I really can’t. I should go.”
“Wait. I have another problem.”
“Not the kind that might make Alex try to break your dick off, I hope.”
“Pfft. Waters couldn’t break my dick off if he tried. It’s made of straight magic, like a unicorn horn. Except not sharp. And made of flesh instead of whatever mythical substance unicorn horns are made of. But it’s unbreakable.”
“Have you been smoking the greenery while you’ve been up there in Canada?”
“No. Why? Never mind. So you know how Sunny’s on that camping trip with stupid Bushman?”
“You mean Kale?”
“Yeah. I’m worried she may have forgotten about my superior snuggle skills, or how fun naked movie-watching was, because there are pictures of him all over her like a horny dog.”
“There’s so much about that sentence I don’t even want to think about. I don’t need an overshare right before bed.”
“Can we not debate what constitutes an overshare right now? I don’t know how pissed I should be.”
“Sorry. Okay, tell me about these pictures. She’s not naked is she? Alex will flip his lid.”
“He’s got his arm around her.”
“While she’s naked?”
Sometimes Violet is frustrating. “No.”
“Is he fondling her boob over her shirt?”
“No.”
“Under her shirt?”
“No.”
“So he’s trying to kiss her or something?” She sounds disgusted, which would make me feel justified in my anger, if that was the case.
“No.”
“He’s got his dick hanging out?”
“Jesus. No. He’s got his arm around her.”
“Oh. Well, what’s she doing?”
“Smiling. They’re both holding beers. She posted it recently. They’re at a bar.”
“There’s no inappropriate hand placement?”
“Fuck no. I’d be on my way there right now.”
“Hold up there, Ragey McRagerson. Think about what you’re saying. Some guy has his arm around her shoulder, and you’re considering driving eight million hours north into the middle of nowhere to do what? Yell at him? Yell at Sunny? Throw her over your shoulder and move to a cabin in the woods with no running water and an outhouse so you can keep her in a cage and take her for walks on a leash?”
“You’re making me sound like a caveman.”
“If the loincloth fits . . .”
“He’s her ex. They dated for four years, Vi. What if she gets drunk and decides his tiny dick is better than my above average, magical unicorn dick?”
“I think you need to stop worrying about your mythical man unit and focus on the real problem. You’ve made some mistakes with Sunny. She has legitimate reasons to be wary about getting into this relationship with you. It sucks. I know that. But you have lots of redeeming qualities. You’re awfully considerate and sweet when you’re not out whoring your dick. Which you haven’t been, but it still looks bad, and your reputation precedes you.”
“I can’t take back all the bunnies.”
“Nope, you can’t. Which means you have to work a lot harder than most to earn her trust.”
I contemplate that. “I get what you’re saying, but I don’t think it’s fair that I take all the heat on this. All those pictures since we’ve been dating haven’t been intentional.”
“Do you think these are?”
“What if she’s letting him take all these cozy pictures to get me back?
“You mean to make you jealous?”
“I guess. People do that sometimes, right?”
“Sometimes. I don’t see Sunny being vindictive about it, but you need to talk to her. Maybe it’s intentional, maybe it isn’t, but unless you have that conversation, all you’re doing is spinning your wheels, making up worst-case scenarios.”
Vi’s right. I exhale loudly into the phone. “Are relationships always this hard?”
“Not always. But the ones that are worth it are the ones you have to fight for.”CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
VIDEO KILLED THE BATHROOM STALLI’m half a second away from calling Sunny when my phone rings. At first I think it’s Violet calling back with some final insult of the night, or parting words of wisdom—both are equally likely. But it’s Sunny, and she’s on a video call.
My first thought is phone sex. I don’t know why. I have no real privacy here. I’m kinda pissed at her, and we’ve never had it before. Also, my balls still hurt. I have a feeling it would be almost impossible to get a hard-on, let alone come.
I answer the call. The screen remains black for several seconds before Sunny’s tear-stained face appears.
My anger dissolves into worry. “Sunny? What’s wrong?” I try to assess her surroundings, but she’s holding the phone close to her face.
“You promised!” She’s drunk. I can tell by her slur and the heaviness of her eyes. I’ve seen Sunny tipsy a couple of times. She was cute and fun and touchy. That’s nothing like she is right now.
I can only assume she’s seen the pictures of my dick. “Sunny, baby. I can explain.”
