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“Hi girls! You must be Char-char’s friends! I’m Whensday! Her mom!”
When we changed our identities, my mom wanted to make sure our names were easy to remember. Her real name is Wendy, so she decided on Whensday, spelled incorrectly—W-H-E-N-S-D-A-Y. Although she says it was on purpose. My life was a lot weird. Clearly it still is.
Poppy flashes one of her sweet smiles and extends a hand. “It’s so nice to meet you.”
“Mom, this is Poppy, and you remember Violet.”
“Oh, yes, of course! And you’re both flowers! How fun is that?” My mom is still wearing her fetish gear. The last time Violet met my mom she was wearing normal-people clothes, so this is a bit of a shocker, I think.
“Um, are you planning to change now that the camera crew is gone, or . . .” I let it hang, hoping she’ll take the hint.
“I have to leave soon to meet with a client, so I’ll change when I get back. What’re you girls doing tonight?”
“We’re watching the hockey playoffs.”
The doorbell rings again, forcing me to leave my mother unsupervised with my friends.
Sunny and Lily are standing on my front porch. They look like a couple of bag ladies with all the stuff they’re carrying, including a sleeping Logan strapped into his car seat. He could be a professional napper. When he isn’t bumbling around being super cute, he’s sleeping on any available surface: chairs, couches, laps, the floor, Lily’s wiener dog’s dog bed.
“Look, girls, I need to tell you some—”
Before I can finish the sentence, my mom makes her presence known. She appears behind me, holding a box of wine—the kind with the spout. “Hi, girls! Oh! This is so fun! Char-char, you have so many friends!”
“Lily, Sunny, this is my mom.” I’m not sure if this is much better than when the guys saw me naked surrounded by crazy sex toys.
Sunny’s eyes go wide, and her mouth forms an “o”. Lily nudges her, and Sunny clamps her mouth shut. Her bag-laden arm shoots out toward my mom. “It’s so nice to meet you, Ms. Hoar.” Like Gertrude, she forgets that the H is silent.
Lily chokes back a cough, but my mom doesn’t so much as flinch. “It’s Whensday, darling.”
Sunny’s brow pulls down. “I thought it was Friday.”
My mom throws her head back and cackles. She sounds like a crow being eaten alive. “Aren’t you adorable? My name is Whensday.”
“Like the Addams’ Family girl?” Lily supplies.
“Almost! Except it’s spelled like ‘when are we going to go to the party’, not Wed-ness. Anyway, The Addams Family is my favorite movie in the entire world!”
Sunny looks appropriately confused by this explanation.
My mom claps her hands and looks to me. “We should have a movie night while I’m here and watch it together!”
“Sure, Mom.” Better than Dominatrix training videos, I guess.
I need to pull my mother aside and make sure she doesn’t say anything to my friends about my childhood, because that’s not something I’d like to explain. To anyone. Ever. I don’t think she’ll mention it, as we’ve spent the past decade pretending it never happened, but her behavior today is concerning, so I’m unsure what to expect.
“I wish I could hang out with you girls, but I have a client meeting, and I still have to figure out how to get there.” My mom waves her hand in the air, like the life of a Dominatrix is painfully trying. “Maybe you’ll all still be here when I get back.” She taps her lip. “Although, this client is a bit difficult, so I might be several hours.”
My mom sashays across the kitchen and grabs her bag. “I’ll give you your presents now, Char-char.”
“That’s okay, Mom. They can wait.”
She waves me off. “It’s so much more fun to open presents when you’re with friends, though, isn’t it? And I think your friends will get a kick out of this. We’re all adults here!”
“Sure are,” Violet’s expression is gleefully malevolent.
Usually when Darren buys me things, they’re professionally wrapped, or they come in a pretty bag with nice curly ribbon. Not gifts from my mom. They come in nondescript plastic bags.
I reluctantly peek inside the bag. Oh yeah, this is going to be . . . stranger than usual. I should’ve gotten out the tequila in preparation. I reach inside and pull out the least offensive item.
“What is that?” Sunny tips her head to the side.
“It’s a vibrating cockring. Watch.” My mom plucks it from my hand and puts it in Sunny’s palm before she turns it on.
Sunny’s face turns an even brighter shade of red. “Oh. That would feel . . .”
“Great, right?”
Sunny nods uncertainly.
“Go ahead. There’s more.” My mom motions for me to keep going. When I’m not fast enough, she grabs the bag from me and dumps it on the table.
I sigh as I stare at the weirdness in front of me.
