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“Actually…I wanted to talk to you about something.”
His eyes narrowed slightly, as if picking up on my subdued tone. He put his glass down while keeping his gaze glued to my face. “Everything alright?”
“I’m fine, perfectly healthy.” Whenever something was wrong, my dad immediately jumped to a terrible conclusion, that someone was sick. Since he was an oncologist, it was just his nature to make those kinds of assumptions.
Relief moved into his gaze, like his worst nightmare had passed. “Good. Talk to me.”
“Well…it’s kinda weird.” I’d never talked to my father about stuff like this, but I really didn’t have anyone else I felt comfortable discussing this with…except Emerson. But I couldn’t talk to her either.
“You can tell me anything.”
“It’s about Emerson…”
His arms rested on his knees, and his hands came together, his head turned my way. He didn’t have a reaction, focused on listening.
“I can’t really explain what happened. It just dawned on me that she was the woman I wanted to be with. I stopped seeing other women…for a long time. She was the person I looked forward to seeing the most. It hit me in the oddest way. It seemed like she felt the same way, so…I kissed her.”
He was silent.
“She told me I wasn’t the right man for her…and that hurt pretty fucking bad.”
He closed his eyes in disappointment, like he’d been hoping, praying, for a happy ending. “I’m sorry, Derek.”
“Well…there’s more to this story. Time passed, and I was haunted by those words she’d said to me. So, I went to her apartment to confront her…and found out she has a daughter.”
His eyes widened in shock.
“I had no idea because she never told me.”
“Why?”
“A couple reasons. She says it’s difficult to be a single mother because of the way employers treat them, and I understand that. And also…her daughter is twelve, and she’s embarrassed that she had her so young. She thinks it makes her look bad.”
“She’s twelve?” he asked in surprise. “Then how old was she when she had her?”
“Sixteen or seventeen…I’m not sure exactly.”
Dad nodded but didn’t pass judgment. “Where does that leave you?”
“She said she doesn’t date because she’s waiting until her daughter has moved out, but she would be willing to make an exception for me…because of the way she feels about me.” She told me I was the sexiest man she’d ever seen, and that compliment made me so hot. But when she said something better, that she loved who I was underneath, it was the first time I’d felt like a woman actually liked me for me, even my flaws. “But she also said that if I have a relationship with her, I need to have one with her daughter too…and I don’t want to do that.”
He continued to stare at me, as if he expected more.
I was quiet for a while. “I assumed I would just move on, but I don’t want to be with anyone else. I can’t even force it because I feel like I’m already in a relationship with Emerson. It’s not one of those obligatory situations where I’m committed because I have to be—I just don’t want to be with someone else.” I stared down at my hands for a while, feeling even more lost now that I’d shared those thoughts out loud. “I just can’t go backward. It…feels empty.” I didn’t want a twenty-one-year-old woman in my bed. I didn’t want to go to a fashion show and have a model all over me. It felt so sterile now, so meaningless. I had such a profound connection to Emerson, and I wanted more of that. She was the sexiest woman in the world to me. Why would I want someone else?
He was quiet for a long time, as if he was dissecting all of my words. “Why don’t you want a relationship with her daughter?”
“Because I don’t like kids.” I was totally honest with my dad because his love was unconditional. “I barely get along with people in general, you know. A kid that’s not even mine…I don’t want to do that.”
“Have you ever been around a kid?”
“No.”
“Then I don’t think you have the experience to say you don’t like kids.”
“Well, I don’t like most people, so…”
“Kids are much easier to get along with, if you ask me. They have an innocence that makes them relatable. They’re excited about things. It’s a joy to watch them grow into good people. I think if you spent time with her daughter, you would feel differently.”
I shrugged. “I’m not the father type.”
“Your mother had no experience with kids, and she loved you like you were hers.”
I dropped my gaze. “I know, but I’m not Mom.”
“You deserve more credit than that, Derek.”
“I don’t even want kids of my own…”
Dad gave a quiet sigh. “You say that now, but you’ll feel differently.”
