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“Is something going on? You’re acting strange… Did the plan change? Did I do something?” The horror of it all creeps up on me like a disease.
“Just get ready for the day, Amara,” he says, dismissing every single question I throw at him. Confusion riddles my brain. I felt so close to him just moments ago, and now—now, I feel as if we’re oceans apart.
Slowly, I pull myself together. I brush my teeth. My hair. Trying to mend my fragile heart so he can’t see the hurt he’s causing me. Whatever he’s doing, it isn’t because he wants to—or at least I’ll keep telling myself that until I know the truth.
When I’m all dressed for the day, I still don’t feel like going downstairs, so I get comfortable in bed instead and pick up one of my many books. It’s strange how much pleasure reading can bring you. It can pull you from your current life and make all the pain go away, even if it’s just for a while.
A soft knock sounds against the bedroom door.
“Come in,” I mumble. I hear the creak of the door as my eyes lift to meet James coming in the room. He looks warily around the room as if I’m going to lash out at him.
“Can I come in? I just want to talk to you for a second.” He hesitates for a moment, which only makes my curiosity grow. What does he want to talk about? I thought we already said everything we needed to say.
“Sure.” I smile.
He crosses the threshold closing the door firmly behind him.
“I just wanted to see how you are handling everything? If you had any questions?” His eyes smile. Literally smile, as if he is happy for the first time in his life. I know I mean something to him—that finding me, alive and well, was something he never expected.
“I’m handling it…” I mumble over my words. How am I handling it?
“You know... you don’t have to handle it alone. I am here for you. I want to be here for you, but you have to allow me to be.”
I look at him sideways for a moment as he stands in front of me. Am I really not allowing myself to let him in or to heal? It sounds too easy, like I can just flip a switch and make it happen.
“I know… I just… I don’t know how to deal with all of this. It’s like part of me thinks it’s all a lie, maybe even a dream. Like somehow, I’ll wake up from it all, and things will be different.” I shrug my shoulders.
He smiles softly. “I used to think the same thing when I found out your mother was dying. When I found out about you… My heart broke… To have something truthfully yours ripped from you.” My eyes sting with unshed tears threatening to fall.
He knew heartache. His is different from my own, but he still knew it. It seems as if we’re two sides of the same coin. The same book, just different stories.
“I’m sorry. I truly am. I never knew, and had I known, I would’ve said something. I would’ve done something. I loved John because he was all I had, but if I had known you were my father... if I knew your blood ran through my veins too, I would’ve made an effort to be part of your life.” The words leave not only my mouth but also my heart as I speak them to the father I never knew I had. “But I feel like now… it’s almost too late. Too late to connect the way you want me to. I feel like you want me to act like you’re my dad, and Jared is my brother, but I’m not a child anymore, and I grew up knowing only John as a dad.”
“I just…” He pauses. “I know. But now that I know about you, Amara, you can’t expect me to not want... no, need to be a part of your life. So I want to try to be the father you need now. I know I can’t go back in time, but if I could, I would.” My feet close the distance between us, and in a matter of seconds, I find myself in his arms.
I didn’t really know this man, but it was evident he loved my mother. I can feel that love he had for her lingering for me. I see it in his eyes, each time he looks at me. I’m the person they created together, out of love, and for that reason alone, I know I have to try.
“I don’t want you to not be in my life either. I’m just saying I can’t just rewire my brain and call you dad.”
“Then let’s cover the distance, years, and months once separating us. Let’s attempt this father and daughter relationship… I haven’t always been the easiest to be around, I mean, just ask Jared.” He sighs. “But I want this to work… Sam would have wanted that.” The mention of my mother’s name causes a shiver to run down my back. I know in my heart, especially after reading the letter from her, she would have wanted it just like he said.
