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He was more important than the risk of rejection, than the disappointment of my family.
I'm fucking sorry, guys.
I missed them. My vision became blurry, and I leaned forward and pressed the palms of my hands to my eyes.
I'm fucking sorry, but he comes first for me now.
I blew out a breath and rubbed my jaw, glancing over to where Julian was sitting. He was on the other side of the aisle, and I could only see a little bit of his face. I didn't know if he was upset or what he was thinking about.
That worried me more than whether or not my sister would've approved—eventually—of me being with Julian.
I had to believe she would, though. Like Tennyson said, it wouldn’t have been easy. We probably would've argued a lot first, and maybe even had a falling out. But in the end…
It didn't really matter anymore.
I'd always miss our family, but it was time to take the next step. It'd been a long year. Grief, conflict, confusion, internal battles. I was tired of it.
Standing up, I quietly made my way out of the church. There was a sense of letting go; it was cathartic.
It was bizarre how different the atmosphere was right outside the doors. Upbeat tourists taking photos of everything, some having picnics on the steps.
I waited for Julian, and he didn't take very long. He was introspective, so I held back some. We began walking down the hill, not saying anything, and I took the opportunity to look around, imagining more spots my parents probably took photos of. When we got home, I'd have to check the memory chest. Their album would be there.
"Are you okay?" Julian asked, sending me a careful glance.
I said fuck it to myself and grabbed his hand, kissing the top of it before I threaded our fingers together. "Yeah. You?"
He nodded and looked down at our hands. "It was somewhat liberating. I got some thinking done."
"That’s good. So did I." I descended another step and turned to him. It made him as tall as me, and I wanted him at eye level for this. "Have dinner with me tonight."
His brow knitted together, and he cocked his head. "Um, well, sure—"
"A date." I stepped closer and cupped his jaw. "I wanna take you out on a date, Julian. You and me."
His mouth formed an "o." He'd really had no idea. It made me feel worse than before.
Considering how little I had actually paid attention to his past, unless it revolved around his education and our family, I didn't know what he'd told himself about how I felt. That he'd only been a good fuck to me?
"What do you say?" I pressed my forehead to his. "Give me a shot?"
He swallowed audibly and closed his eyes, but he wasn’t shutting me out. His hands ghosted carefully along my sides. "Are you serious?" he asked quietly. "A date, even if I were to say I didn't want sex at the end of the night?"
Jesus fuck, I was no better than Nicky. Maybe I should blacklist myself from the industry as a punishment, too.
"Yeah. In fact, I'm ruling it out right now," I told him. Not able to help myself, I kissed his nose, then his eyelids. "I want a chance. I've been a dick. I should've been more open to you, too."
He frowned, though his eyes remained closed. "No… You haven't done anything wrong, but I had no idea—"
"Which is kinda fucked," I chuckled, my gut twisting. Shit, I was nervous. That was a first in…ages. "I've been fighting my feelings for you for months." That made his eyes fly open, but I wasn’t done yet. "In retrospect, I should've given you more. It's all obvious in my head, yeah? Even Tennyson's noticed I can't keep my eyes off you. But I haven't told you shit, and I don't know how you've perceived things."
Julian cleared his throat and glanced to the side as a group of tourists passed us on the steps. It wasn't the best place to have this conversation, but whatever.
"I knew the terms," he murmured. "I'm an adult, Noah. You didn't owe me anything. You still don't."
Well, what-the-fuck-ever. We could debate this endlessly.
"Agree to disagree," I said. "But I want." I gripped his chin and kissed the corner of his mouth. "Fuck what's owed and not. I wanna do couple shit with you. You have no idea how much."
He let out a soft laugh and covered his face, and I knew incredulousness when I saw it. "God…" He shook his head and let his hands fall again, a wobbly smile in place. "You have no idea how much I've fantasized about you wanting more. This is nuts." He grinned crookedly, and I smiled back. "Especially recently—you've been so affectionate with me. That was very rough."
