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I hid for what felt like hours, witnessing it all through the tiny hole in the kitchen cabinet. It had always been my favorite hiding spot while playing hide-and-go-seek with Teresa. No one ever found me when I hid in there. I held my breath to keep from making a sound. Peering out into the living room where a bunch of monsters were torturing my family. The nasty men my father told me to hide from weeks before. I wanted to close my eyes like I was watching something scary, and it would make it go away. As if it was only a bad dream that I would soon wake up from. But every time my eyes hid in the darkness, it only made my thoughts worse. Not knowing what was going to happen next. Making it harder to control my emotions and fear. I had to watch no matter what. It was the only way I would be able to keep my promise to Papi.
My terrified stare flew to the man walking into the living room. The monster, holding my family hostage, Damien. I couldn’t take my eyes off the tall man who was standing a few feet away from my secret spot. Still hidden behind the thin wood cabinet door. He was wearing military fatigues like the men who would come collect our food every month. I noticed his demeanor instantly. I could see something different in his honey-colored glare. The way he was looking at my family, how his hands slightly twitched with his sincere expression. The way he stood by the door, not moving an inch. Watching everything play out in front of him, exactly how I was.
He wasn’t like them.
They were monsters in his eyes too.
I silently prayed he was going to be my family’s savior. He’d become the hero in this nightmare. The longer I watched, the more I realized he was just as much of a victim as my whole family was. He didn’t want to do those horrible things.
He was fighting for their lives, while I hid fighting for mine.
More screams.
More gunshots.
More…
More…
More…
“Next bullet is through her heart. Do it or she dies! You want to be responsible for taking this girl’s mother away from her? What kind of monster are you?”
I wanted to scream, “He’s not a monster, you are!” But instead, I hid my face into my doll Yuly’s body. It was too hard to keep watching their pain. My broken heart was now in my throat with bile rising, but I swallowed it back down. Covering my ears with my hands, trying to drown out Mami’s wails and the monster’s voice. Remembering the last time I was happy with Papi.
“Amira, I have a present for you,” Papi revealed in Spanish, touching the end of my nose with his index finger. A gesture he’d been doing all my life. He would tease that my nose would grow like Pinocchio’s if I told lies. It was his way of making sure he kept me honest.
My father worked day in and day out in El Campo, the city, and anywhere else he could get goods in exchange for his labor. Whatever that meant.
I hadn’t seen him in a few days which made me really sad. It felt like every time he left to go into the city to work, the longer it took him to return. I hated when Papi left, things weren’t the same without him.
Mami and Teresa missed him, too, but not like I did. Mami would try to cheer me up every time he left by letting me play with the baby chickens out in the barn. Or she’d let me run free in the field and pick my favorite flowers, mariposas, for Papi. A delicate white flower with petals that formed the shape of a butterfly. When he was home, I’d flap my arms up and down like I was flying, and twirl all around him, making him laugh and smile.
Those were the best days.
Papi knew I was unhappy when he left us, so he’d always try to bring me back a gift, to make up for his absence. Knowing it was rare for us to receive any presents unless it was our birthday or a holiday. No matter how big or small it was, I cherished everything he ever gave me because it came from his good heart.
The same heart I had in my body. Papi was my hero, and I loved him very much.
With wide eyes, I watched as he stood up and showed me what he was hiding behind his back this whole time.
“Papi,” I gasped. “You got me one!” Jumping up and down, unable to control the excitement running through my body.
He mischievously grinned, handing the doll over to me. I never had a baby doll before. I’d been asking for one since Claudia brought hers to school two years ago. Saying her papi found it on the bus. I secretly wished mine would find one on the bus too. He knew it was all I ever wanted.
Toys were hard to come by. I hardly ever got any since all of Cuba’s goods came from the Soviet Union, who didn’t have much to part with. Plus, the United States didn’t want to help us anymore. At least that’s what I overheard Papi’s friends say when they came over with all their maps and papers. Spending hours upon hours talking about political imprisonment and corruption. Three words I learned the meanings of from the only dictionary we had at school the next day.
When I asked Papi about it a few days later, he told me not to be upset with America. They were only doing what they could to make Emilio Salazar surrender and step down. He made me promise to never hold hatred for anyone in my heart; it only led to bad things. To love everyone the same, especially those who needed it the most. Telling me that sometimes there were people in our world who were just lost souls and needed our help to find their way.
I smiled big and wide, instantly hugging the doll as hard as I could. Showing her how much I loved her. Bringing the baby up to my face when I was done to take a good look at her. Claudia’s doll had a scratch on her face and was missing shoes and the ribbons out of her hair. Mine was perfect, her long, dark brown hair and hazel eyes looked exactly like mine. She was wearing a white dress that flowed down to her feet, with black shiny shoes. There wasn’t a mark on her, she looked brand new. I immediately wondered where Papi got her from, but I’d never ask.
I couldn’t hold in my happiness, emphasizing, “Oh, Papi! I love her! I love her so much!” I cheered, hugging her close to my heart again, needing to feel she was really there.
She was really mine.
Before I gave it another thought, I tackled Papi’s legs. Squeezing them in a big, tight hug. Hoping he could feel all the love and appreciation pouring through my embrace.
“Thank you! She will never leave my side! Now I don’t have to be sad when you leave, Papi. You’ll always be with me through her,” I let out, holding back my tears. I was so overwhelmed. I couldn’t believe he got me a baby doll.
He didn’t waver, grabbing ahold of my arms and crouching down to my level. Placing me in front of him so I could see his face. He had tears in his eyes, wearing an expression I’d never seen before.
My heart dropped. “Papi—”
“Amira…” He paused as if he was trying to gather the strength to tell me something. This didn’t feel right, my papi was the strongest person I knew, he never cried.
I pulled my arm away from his grasp, placing my hand on the side of his face. Caressing his cheek, trying to give him the courage he needed to keep going.
It worked. He coaxed, “I need you to promise me something.”
I fervently nodded, wanting to do anything to wipe the look off his face. It was hurting my heart.
“I need you to listen to what I say. I need you to be my good little girl and listen to me, okay?”
“Papi, you’re scar—”
“If any nasty, mean men ever come into this house, Amira, and you hear screaming and bad things…” He hesitated again, making my heart beat faster. His words not coming out as fast as the thoughts running through his mind. “If you hear anything out of the ordinary, Mamita, and you feel scared… I need you to promise me you will hide.”
I stepped toward him. “Papi —”
He stopped me dead in my tracks, holding me steady in place like he needed to look into my eyes. “Do you understand me, Amira?”
Why would I hide if I was scared? I never had to do that before. He always chased away the monsters in my bad dreams. Maybe he needed me to chase away his monsters too?
“Do you understand me? You hide,
” he reaffirmed, as if he knew what I was thinking.
I nodded again, unable to say the words.
“Amira, promise me… You swear to me that you will hide from the bad men. No matter what, you hide. And you hide until you don’t hear another word or scream,” he demanded, even though his mouth was trembling. His eyes holding so much sadness.
“But, Papi, what if—”
“Nothing! You hide!” he ordered in a harsh tone, making me jump. He never yelled at me before. “No matter what you hear or how much it hurts you to hear it… you hide, Mamita. Please… promise me you’ll hide,” he begged, his voice breaking.
I bit my lip, holding back my tears. I didn’t want him to see me cry. He was already sad enough. I always listened to what my papi said because I was his good little girl. I didn’t want to disappoint or let him down.
I stood tall, wanting to be his brave Amira. Needing to be strong for the both of us.
“I promise, Papi. I promise I will hide. I’ll hide and not come out until it’s safe, okay? I won’t come out until you tell me it’s safe, okay? You’ll tell me to come out, right, Papi? You promise you’ll come get me? After the monsters are gone?” I asked with quivering lips, my voice faltering.
My heart shattering.
With tears falling from his eyes, he simply stated, “I love you, my tiny shadow. No matter what, I will always be with you.” He placed one hand over my heart and the other on my doll. “In here.”
It wasn’t until that night that I realized… he never promised he’d come get me. I didn’t know how long I stayed in the shadows of the cubby, but it felt like forever. When I took my hands away from my ears, all I could hear were the men laughing. I moved Yuly away from my face, peeking through the tiny hole in the cabinet again. All I saw now was Damien’s back. He was behind Teresa, who was bent over on the couch cushion in front of her. He was moving his hips as if they were playing some sort of dancing game.
When Damien ordered, “Don’t fucking move,” to Teresa, I came out of hiding.
I made my way out of the safety of the small space as quietly as I could, needing to go get help. Clutching Yuly close to my chest, hoping she would cover the sounds of my rapidly beating heart. Thinking maybe they could hear it. I breathed a sigh of relief when I made it out of the kitchen without being seen. I softly walked down the hallway, where they couldn’t see me and I couldn’t see them. Stopping when I heard Teresa make a noise that sounded like a cry of pain but comfort too.
I heard Papi scream my name, from the chair he was tied to, before I even realized what I had done. It was too late to turn back. The gun in Damien’s hand was now pointed directly at me. I’d never seen a gun up close. I instinctively hugged Yuly harder.
Seconds turned into minutes and minutes seemed like hours as I stood there, anticipating the worst.
The next few moments of my life happened in slow motion. Mania erupted in our once loving home, but I didn’t hear a word that came out of anyone’s mouth. The sounds of my heart beating its way out of my chest took over my senses. My ears were ringing from the palpitations, and my vision tunneled. Papi’s words from a few weeks ago, mixed with the screams of my name, played like a broken record in my subconscious.
“Amira, promise me… You swear to me that you will hide. No matter what, you hide. And you hide until you don’t hear another word or scream.”
I could feel my body shutting down and my mind going into a dark place inside of me, where no one could hurt me. Shot after shot rang out, causing my body to jerk with each and every one of them. Bullet casings started falling to the floor followed by their bodies. I felt like I was suffocating from the emotions that I felt in a split second.
Regret.
Grief.
Anger.
Hope.
All of them hitting me at once, as if my papi, mami, and sister’s souls were holding onto mine for dear life. I didn’t think it was possible to feel so much and not physically die right along with them.
I was.
I had.
There was this imaginary line that was pulling deep within my bones. I felt it from my head down to my toes. It was flashes of the life that wasn’t mine anymore. My past taunting me and comforting me simultaneously.
My vision suddenly cleared when I faintly heard, “She’s yours now. She can be your daily reminder of the family you took away from her, and what happens when you betray me.”
All the night’s memories came tumbling down, burying me in the rubble of their blood. I couldn’t breathe, staring into the eyes of the man I thought was going to save us all. I was terrified that if I looked away, he would disappear. A huge part of me didn’t want him to leave. I knew if he did, I’d be alone with only my thoughts and feelings. The physical need to die with them.
The nightmares I would never survive.
The longer I stared into his eyes, the louder his internal thoughts got. Repeating… “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” over and over again with no end in sight.
This wasn’t a nightmare.
This was my reality now.
The monster in the night walked out of my home. Crossing the mangled threshold they so harshly brought down, with two of his men by his side. The home he destroyed with nothing but corruption, violence, and murder. Never once looking back at the reality that was now my life.
I was the first to break Damien’s intense stare, shifting my eyes to my sister, my father, and my mother…
They weren’t smiling.
They weren’t laughing.
They weren’t moving.
There was no soul, no life, no love.
Nothing.
They were all dead.
The string that connected me to the man named Damien snapped…
And I ran.
I ran on pure impulse toward my father, running as fast as my legs would allow me to go. Falling to my knees in all the blood pouring out of his unrecognizable face and body.
“Papi! You gotta wake up!” I coaxed, placing my trembling hand everywhere not knowing where to stop the bleeding. “Please… Papi… you gotta help me wake up Mami and Teresa… I can’t do this alone… so wake up now, okay?” I threw my arms around his body, shielding him from bleeding out with Yuly in between us. Closing my eyes as tight as I could. I cried over his body, shaking him so hard to wake up. “Remember, you promised you were going to take me to the city? We were going to see the world? Remember, Papi? You promised…”
He wasn’t moving.
He wasn’t waking up.
There was nothing I could do.
“I’m sorry, Papi! I’m sorry, I didn’t stay hidden. Please… don’t be mad at me… I’m still your good girl, right?”
“He’s fucking dead, you stupid girl. Your family’s dead. How’s it feel to be a fucking orphan?” one of the guards hollered from across the room.
I slowly sat up and stood, rooted in my spot, looking at the lifeless bodies. Taking in his words. There was so much blood all over me and Yuly, I couldn’t even see my skin. I bowed my head, so much guilt and regret hitting me harder than anything I’d ever experienced before.
Maybe if I would’ve stayed hidden they would still be alive?
Fresh tears leaked from my eyes, and it took everything in me not to continue to beg for his forgiveness.
“I asked you a question,” the man spewed, making me gaze up at him through the slits of my swollen eyes.
“I hate you,” I whispered so low he couldn’t hear.
“What was that? I can’t hear you over the sound of your pathetic whimpers.”
“I said,” I stood taller with Yuly, my hand clenching into a fist, “I HATE YOU!” I seethed, charging the two men beside Damien in the room. Hitting, punching, pushing them as hard as I could. Making them laugh at me. Only fueling my hatred more.
I fought with every ounce of strength I had left inside my hollow shell, still holding onto Yuly. Needing her comfort to keep going. I shoved, slapped, and hit
the murderers, wanting to hurt them. Pounded my fist into their rock-hard chests, not paying any mind to the throbbing pain running through my hand. It was nothing compared to the knife in my heart. I just wanted them to die too. I kneed the biggest man in between his legs so hard that I fell back on the broken glass, wincing instantly from the pain.
His hand instinctively went up in the air about to slap me across my face, but a strong arm wrapped around my stomach, yanking me back. Lifting me off the floor, just missing the large man’s hand as it whooshed by my face. As soon as my back collided with someone’s solid chest, I turned around in their arms and fought.
“No! No! No!” I shrieked, roughly trying to fight him off. Shaking my head back and forth.
“Calm down!” he urged, engulfing me in nothing but my sister’s blood. It was only then that I knew it was Damien.
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t stop fighting. I was choking, drowning deeper in my despair. In the memories that would haunt me when I was awake and terrorize me when I tried to sleep.
“I hate you! I wish you were all dead!” I yelled hysterically. I was hyperventilating to the point where my vision was getting spotty. My vocal cords felt like they were on fire. “Don’t touch me!” I screamed bloody murder, continuing my assault.
Hitting all over his face, his chest, anywhere I could with him still holding onto my flailing body. He didn’t block me, he didn’t stop me. He let me deliver every blow, exactly how he let Teresa. Knowing he deserved it and more.
“This is all your fault! You did this! Murderer!” I roared, pushing him and hitting him harder, faster, letting my adrenaline kick in at full force. My eyes seeing red, and my body sickened with rage and the desire to fall apart.
“You puta!” the man who I hit in between the legs sneered. Grabbing ahold of Yuly, trying to yank her out of my deathly grasp.
“NO! PLEASE NO!” I begged, gripping onto her as tight as I could. “She’s all I have! PLEASE!”
Her dress tore and her arm snapped off, causing the men to laugh harder as I mourned another life that they were about to take away from me.
“PLEASE!” I bellowed out.
