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The water beat on her head and neck, all across her shoulders in a blissful pounding. As some of her tension disappeared, she became aware of a dragging sensation in her chest, as though gravity had doubled its hold on her heart.
She missed Kerrick so much, more than she had thought possible. Only fourteen days had passed, but her loneliness had become a series of tsunamis that kept swamping her. She wept silent tears into her pillow at night. She smelled cardamom in her dreams.
How was she going to endure this separation?
She turned into the water and let it stream down on her head. Tears joined the flow. She pressed a hand to her lower abdomen, aware, as she always was now, of the life inside her. She wanted her baby to have a father, to grow up as she had grown up beneath the love, care, and affection of two parents. The tears flowed harder, faster for a long time, until at last she could draw breath and not want to fall to the wet tiles and sob her heart out.
Shutting off the water, she toweled dry then dressed in clean green fatigues and socks. She stretched out on her cot and put her hands behind her head. It felt so good to lie down, and she had a lot to think about, to process.
She knew one thing. She couldn’t continue as she was, so painfully heartbroken every night. Something had to change.
As she considered her situation, a seed of resistance began to grow, built of anger and grief, forged perhaps in memories of having fought Leto in the Tolleson arena. What was the point of having endured such a tremendous contest only to end up alone, at the training camps, and weeping?
Somehow the two concepts did not mix.
What was the point of so much power, of having ascended with the same level of ability Endelle had possessed upon her ascension, but to be trapped in a training program for which she knew she was fundamentally unsuited?
Was this truly all her ascended life would be? How was this any better than her cloistered existence on Mortal Earth? The result was exactly the same—she was essentially alone, as she had been all her life. She was still holding back her powers and trying not to hurt anyone, just as she had on Mortal Earth, and she was still living a constrained, frustrating, not-built-for-her existence, dammit.
What was she doing training to be a warrior anyway? She had no heart for this form of service. She never would. In this profession she would be a shade-loving fern expected to thrive beneath a desert sun.
Worse than that, however, she was sick at heart. She hadn’t seen Kerrick for two weeks now but instead of the separation getting easier, it had gotten harder.
When she had split from Kerrick at the hospital, she hadn’t expected to feel so much, to feel as though her heart had been torn in the process and just continued to bleed, refusing to be healed. She loved him, yes. She’d slept with him, well, a lot. He’d gotten her very pregnant. But she’d only known him three days. Surely she wasn’t that attached.
Hah.
Her love for him possessed her, and the deep sharing of minds possible only on Second had changed everything because she knew Kerrick.
She knew him.
She. Knew. Him.
Mind-diving had given her so much understanding of his essential noble warrior character as well as knowledge of his life. For that reason half the pain she felt when she thought of him was also a projected pain based on how she knew he would be feeling right now, separated as he was from her.
Kerrick had known what it was to love well and to love deeply. He fit the model of a man or woman who had been happily married once and was much more likely to want to marry again. He’d known two fine marriages. She’d lived those marriages with him when she’d been within his mind. Even now when she thought of his first wife, Marta, and his second wife, Helena, she had great affection and appreciation for these women because they had each given Kerrick great pleasure, deep satisfaction, and tremendous relief from the struggles and pressures of life.
Knowing especially of Helena’s sacrifices, she kept asking herself the tough question: Was she doing the right thing in separating herself from Kerrick?
Part of her, the old part, the part that had grown up on Mortal Earth essentially separated from society, felt certain this was the right path, because it was how she had always lived. But there was another part, a new part, a new inner eye, that kept nagging at her, kept asking the question—Do you still intend to live through your fears alone?
But the consequence of making a mistake—like the one she had made at Endelle’s palace—was, simply, death. So how could she justify being close to Kerrick, ever, when she had so much power, which had already once almost taken his life?
The answer was—she couldn’t!
Her thoughts turned to Kerrick’s second wife, Helena. She had seen this woman through Kerrick’s eyes, the love he had for her, his devotion to her, and his admiration of her.
She smiled when she thought of Helena. She could see the arguments she’d had with Kerrick. She played them through her mind, how he had refused for years to be wedded to her, but how Helena in the end had prevailed. A stalwart woman, a woman unafraid of life. Though she understood the risks of marriage to a Warrior of the Blood, she had insisted on marrying him anyway.
In all those arguments, Helena had never once said something like, Our love will prevail. Her arguments instead had addressed the reality of his situation: I refuse to live in fear, not now, not ever. You are what I want and I accept all the risks inherent in your warrior life.
What would it be like to live with such courage, such fearlessness?
The arena battle once more came to mind. If she could survive something so horrendous as battling Leto mano a mano, why couldn’t she survive whatever else Darian threw at her?
But maybe that was the wrong question to ask.
And in that moment, the heavens parted and Alison finally understood the real question she needed to ask herself. No one knew the number of their days, but wouldn’t it be better to live full-out, to ride the hurricane, however frightening, than to continue to retreat into a pit of despair?
Her heart rate sped up. She rose to a sitting position. She drew a deep breath and the fatigue of the day’s workout fled her.
Wouldn’t it be better to ride the hurricane?
The imagery shot adrenaline full-blast through her system—but at almost the same moment, a strange sensation gripped her as the hairs at the nape of her neck stood up. She recalled the same prickling awareness at Endelle’s palace right before the attack.
Like the warriors, she didn’t wait for further enlightenment. She leaped to a standing position and drew her identified sword into her hand, all the way from the guest room in Kerrick’s Queen Creek house, right where she had left it.
