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It was a long moment before I could stand myself enough to meet his eyes again. "I'm sorry. That was a really horrible thing to say. It's just - I live in a different time," I told him, "with different expectations. I wasn't born to serve someone indiscriminately, without thoughts of my own. Whatever else my father may have done, he raised me to be independent. To find my own way." He just didn't believe my own way was the correct one most of the time.
"I'm trying to be myself, Ethan. To keep some sense of myself in the middle of all this" - I raised a hand, made an abstract gesture with my fingers - "chaos. I can't be that kind of girl." There was more to that statement, I thought, than just my response to his offer, than a response to being his mistress. I wasn't sure I could ever be what he wanted - the acquiescent vampire, the perfect little soldier in his Cadogan army.
Ethan's expression, already shuttered, completely blanked, his green eyes going flat. "Then we're done here. I've explained the situation to you. Whether you like it or not, we're not human. You're not human. Not any longer. Our rules are different than those you're used to, but they are the rules. You can decry them, deny them, but they are the rules." His eyes shone with power. "And if you disobey them, if you balk, you defy me."
"I'm not rebelling," I said, as calmly as I could, realizing how many lines I'd already crossed, we'd already crossed, in the span of the evening. "Nor am I trying to usurp your authority. I'm just trying to" - I searched for words - "avoid it."
Ethan straightened the cuffs of his shirt. "We have rules for a reason, Merit. We have Houses for a reason - for a multitude of reasons, regardless of your opinion, regardless of whether you find . . . merit in the idea. Like it or not, you are my subject. If you deny your House, there will be repercussions. You'll be deemed an outcast. A Rogue. You'll be rejected by all vampires - ignored and ridiculed because you chose not to trust me. You'll have no access to the Houses, to the members, or to me."
I looked up at him. "There has to be something between anarchy and subjection."
Ethan glanced up at the ceiling, then closed his eyes. "Why do you think of it as subjection? You saw the vampires at my House. You saw the House. Was it a dungeon? Did they look miserable? When you challenged me, was I unfair to you? Did I treat you cruelly or give you a fair chance to prove yourself? You're smarter than this."
He was right, of course. The vampires in the House clearly respected him and looked, at least to my eyes, to be happy in their acquiescence to his leadership. But that didn't mean I was able, blindly, to put my trust in him, or any of them. I didn't have a cache of faith big enough for that.
We stood silently until Ethan made a final, frustrated sound and called for Amber and Luc. As they moved through the living room, Amber skewered me with a look that was both knowing and victorious. She somehow knew, had probably heard, what he'd offered me, and that I'd turned it down. But I hadn't just taken myself out of the running; I'd secured her position. She winked jauntily, and I felt a sudden, unwelcome stab of jealousy. I didn't want his hands on her. I didn't want her touching him. But I'd had my chance to take her place, and I'd refused. The decision had been made, so I ignored the irritation and looked away.
"Let's go," Ethan said.
Luc nodded at me. "There's blood on the counter. It's warm and ready to drink."
Ethan didn't look at me as he turned for the door, and I felt the weight of his disappointment. However illogical, I wanted him proud of me, proud of my fight and my strength, not disappointed that I'd failed to meet the basic criteria for vampire behavior. On the other hand, I shouldn't have to apologize for not crawling into bed with the head of my House.
Luc and Amber preceded him outside. There were two vehicles at the curb - a black Mercedes roadster that I guessed was Ethan's, and a heavy black SUV. Luc and Amber headed for the latter. Traveling security, I assumed.
When he reached the first step, Ethan turned and glanced back at me, his face carefully blank.
"I would have asked you if I could have, Merit. I'd have asked for your consent, and had you make the decision then and there. But I didn't. Couldn't have, without your dying. There certainly wasn't time for you to debate the merits of affiliation. Would that I had. Would that I had, so the choice would have been made."
After a pause, he continued, his voice suddenly tired. "The clock is ticking. You have four days until the Commendation, until your formal initiation into the House. The time is coming when you'll have to take a stand, Merit. One way or the other, you'll decide whether you want to accept the life you've been given and make the most of it, or run away and live on the fringes of our society, withstand the humiliation of being rejected by the House, by everyone else like you. By everyone who understands what you are. Who you are. How you thirst." His gaze intensified. "Your desire. And that decision, such as it is, is yours." With that, he trotted down the stairs.
I followed him outside, and flanked by the two guards at my door, I stood on the stoop and called his name. He glanced back.
"About the . . . hunger. Will it always be like that?"
He gave me a rueful smile. "Rather like being a Cadogan vampire, Merit, it will be what you make it."
I had to give him credit - he was right about one thing. The time had come for me to make a decision. To make a choice, either to accept the life he'd given me, such as it was, or eschew Ethan, the House, the community of vampires. I could choose to live as a member of the American Houses, or make a life for myself on the outskirts. But an eternity of watching friends, the world, change around me while I stayed the same, was going to be lonely enough. Watching while Mallory aged, while my grandfather aged, while I looked eternally twenty-seven. What kind of life would it be, to also reject the House, to pretend at being human, and outlive my family, no companions but musty books and medical-grade plastic bags?
Still, I wasn't ready to take that next step. Not yet. There were loose ends to be wrapped up. Well, one major loose end. And that was what put me in the car at four o'clock in the morning, leaving the sanctum of Wicker Park for the neighborhood of vampires.
This time, I wasn't headed for the House. I was headed for the university. And I was a woman on a mission, so when I arrived, I ignored the permit warnings, parking in the first empty on-street spot I could find. I got out of the car, locked it behind me, and walked to the main quad, empty satchel over my shoulder.
I stood at the edge of the quad and stared at the expanse of grass, sidewalks and trees, my hand at my neck. I'd always loved this spot, had usually paused before heading into the Walker Building, which housed the English department, so that I could get a taste of grass and sky. I walked to the spot where I'd been attacked, crouched in the spot where my blood had been shed, and touched a hand to the grass. There was nothing here, no blood, no trampled grass, no indication at all that the few square yards of lawn had been witness to birth, to death. To me. To Ethan.
