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As if that wasn’t bad enough, there was pubic hair around it. Not real hair, obviously, but someone had actually taken the time to get fondant icing into fine strands, and had then stuck them around it. Once you saw it, there was just no unseeing it. Ever!
It was at that moment I realized he was getting us back, and he’d be doing it one by one. My heart sank into my asshole at the realization.
Desperate to avoid looking at the cake any longer, I lifted my eyes and saw the posters stuck along the wall. Levi had been in charge of them and the banner that announced it was our gender reveal. I didn’t know people did things like that, or even had party’s announcing it if I was honest, but apparently it was the done thing according to him.
Congratulations to Taint and Lily
As they announce the gender of
The latest addition to the
Townsend family xxx
Underneath it was a picture of the scan we’d given him after the appointment yesterday. Seeing my baby and the message made it easier not to be irritated by him calling me Taint, just. There he was, my son – perfection in a belly. His thumb was in his mouth, he looked like he’d swallowed a tennis ball, two arms, two long legs, a button nose, a huge head that the doctor assured us wasn’t abnormally sized… it was the most beautiful sight in the world.
That was until I looked more closely at it and saw that the asshole had photoshopped a pair of horns onto the top of my kid's head.
Fucking devil horns on my baby.
“Don’t worry,” he said, walking up behind me and smacking me on the shoulder. “I made sure I sharpened the picture for you before I sent it to the newspaper to announce the upcoming arrival of the latest Townsend,” he whispered in my ear, like he was doing me a favor.
Not letting anyone see that it had gotten to me, I grinned at him and turned around. “Don’t think you’re off his shit list,” I warned, nodding my head in Gramps direction. “He’ll make sure you suffer too.”
“Nah, he said if I did this, he’d cross me off his…”
“I lied,” Gramps hissed as he walked past us on his way to the doors at the front of the house. “Pinata anyone?”
Glaring at my brother one last time, I walked up and slipped my hand into Lily’s. We’d organized this part of the party, so at least I knew it was safe.
Until I saw there were actually two of them.
Shit!
Going over to the first one with my arm around her, we stared at the giant sperm dangling from the tree with a huge smile on its face. Down the side of it in pink and blue lettering were the words ‘Who dunnit– the X or the Y?’.
Feeling Lily’s shoulders shaking beside me, I leaned in and acted like she was crying to make the old bastard feel guilty.
“Don’t encourage him, think what the boy’s first birthday will be like,” I muttered, patting her consolingly and glaring at him.
His shit-eating grin said it all.
“I am,” she snickered. “That’s what’s so funny. Oh shit, what are my parents faces like?”
Chancing a glance at them, I saw her mom reacting the same way as her daughter, while her dad pinched the bridge of his nose. Yeah, dude, I feel you. Beside them, my mom was standing with her mouth open, and then she turned and glared at Gramps. Dad on the other hand was laughing loudly while he held his side.
“Oh, Jesus. That’s freaking hilarious,” he howled.
“Be grateful it wasn’t a taint,” Gramps said loudly, smiling smugly at me.
“West field, old man. I’ve got a direct line to the people who’ll make it happen,” I snapped back, watching as the smile fell off his face.
Yeah, I thought that would work. Once upon a time, most likely during the Prohibition period, he’d wanted to be buried there. The bull my uncle owned had somehow caught wind of that plan and refused to go to the bathroom anywhere but there. That meant that unless he wanted to be buried under a pile of crap, or have his ashes dug up by the big fella when he scored the ground with his hooves, he’d had to abandon that plan.
Just then, Grams and Mom started humming the song We Are Sailing, and quickly switched to Leaving on a Jet Plane, both of which were sore points for him. He didn’t want to have his ashes scattered in the sea thanks to movies like Jaws, and not long ago he’d announced he was going skydiving with a friend of Noah’s, and had then promptly changed his mind after a news report about a man who’d tried to kill his wife by cutting the cords on her chute.
