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There was also the sex. The amazing, incredible, beautiful sex. We had done it fairly regularly, and I had come to get pretty attached to him. The chemicals in my brain doing their work and promoting bonding pretty hard. I wasn't sure I loved him. I honestly wasn’t sure what love was. But I knew that it hurt to be away from him and felt wonderful when we were together.
Though he hadn't made any sort of commitment to me and I had no idea if he felt the same. I had to think about my future and decide what I was going to do with the rest of my life once the quarantine was lifted.Chapter Seventeen - DeanI looked into the freezer playing at confusion. Jessica was sitting on the cook's chair next to the refrigerator with expectant eyes.
“Chocolate, right, honey?”
“Yup. Chocolate's my favorite.”
I served up two bowls of ice cream. One chocolate, one raspberry ripple. I put the buckets away and considered the bowls carefully.
“How do we feel about marshmallows?”
“On ice cream?” Jess asked, as though such an idea had never occurred to her.
“Sure, why not. Let's go crazy!”
“Okay!”
Helping her down, I carried both bowls into the dining room, helping the little girl up onto the chair at the table.
Jess really was too short for most of the furniture in the house. I didn't mind, though. She would grow, and most of the stuff in the house has been there since either of us were born — I believed in having a modicum of respect for history. Besides which, it was nice that my niece trusted me to help her.
I knew I wasn't exactly loving when I first came to live with her, and it took a while for us to build trust. Something that was going really well, but I knew it would take a lot more work. That was okay, though. I had never been afraid of hard work, and we still had years to work on it.
I was determined to raise Jessica right. Not only for her sake or to honor Simone's memory but for my own soul.
I had spent long enough thinking about myself. Even the supposedly altruistic things like the app really being driven by anger and revenge. It was time that I started trying to honestly help others. I was going to finish the app. I would be sued pretty hard if I didn't but had ideas for other ones driven by honest empathy for the disadvantaged rather than revenge against my perceived enemies. Coming from a place of help and love rather than selfish revenge and hate.
That was what I finally realized Simone had meant by making the world a better place.
We did the dishes, me washing and Jessica drying, standing on a stool so she could reach, and went up to my office. Jessica had been asking to see my guitar. I usually kept it to myself, it being one of the birthday gifts Simone had managed to get past my family in London. She had managed to get it sent to the corner shop, and the clerk had agreed to hold it for me for a price. I didn't have an amp, and wouldn't until the legal restrictions were lifted, but it was a hollow body, so I was able to play it quietly and hide it under my bed.
I had just gotten it off the stand when my computer sounded a familiar alert. Lifting Jess up onto my lap as I sat on the chair, I clicked the icon to answer the video call. And there was my old buddy Joe, who I was reasonably sure I had added to my ever-growing enemies list, with his son James.
“Hey, a matching set,” Joe joked, pointing to his son.
“But I'm a girl,” Jess observed.
“She's a sharp one,” Joe laughed.
“Thanks,” we replied in unison.
“Good gravy, she does take after her mother.”
“I'd noticed. How are you guys holding up during the lockdown?”
“We're okay. Maddie is pretty sick, but it doesn't look like it is going to be too bad. We tried to get some wipes and stuff, but the store was sold out. Thank goodness James is on solid food, or we would be in real trouble.”
“Is there anything you need? I have connections, I could get you a care package,” I said, saying the words before I'd even really thought about them.”
“Thanks, man, though I think we'll muddle through.”
“Okay,” I said, reaching over to end the call.
“Though I have to say, whatever happened to you during the lockdown, it's been good.”
“How so?” I asked, freezing in place.
“You're no longer a selfish jerk.”
I laughed. I couldn't really argue with Joe there. He did speak the truth. I had been a selfish jerk only thinking about myself even when I thought I was thinking about others. The main thing that had changed was finally accepting my sister's death and my responsibility to Jess — with no small amount of help from Becky. She really was amazing. It was a bit weird how she disappeared on the weekends, but I just figured she wanted her own space and was leaving Jess and me to try and bond. I was sure I could call on the nanny if there was an emergency.
