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Sure, there were a lot of women on campus, but you had to put in the time and make it a numbers game. Time was valuable to me. I didn’t want to spend two nights chatting up some chick just to pump her and dump her.
Yeah, you get laid, but it was a cheap high. I wanted something more emotional than that but it, too, would take time to cultivate. I guessed what they said was true, that nothing good comes easily.
Avoiding relationship entanglements had worked. My studies, the podcast--- They were going well. I had a system in place. Yeah, I tended to masturbate a lot, but what guy my age doesn’t? You just do it and it’s over. Then you can concentrate again.
And I didn’t have much shame when it came to porn. I mean, I get it, too much porn--- You can go down the rabbit hole and get weird.
I knew some guys that talked about porn more than sports. When you start knowing all the porn star names and can rank their performances--- It’s too much. Some of these guys would recommend porn that I was just--- No way, dude. I’m not watching some chick jerk off a guy with her feet. That’s bizarre.
Porn had that subgenre of step fantasy. It was all just the same thing, only the “actors” pretended they were in a family like mine. Two step siblings have sex. “It’s okay, we’re not related.” The acting was so terrible and the couple so obviously not related--- It didn’t look remotely real. Just another two porn stars banging.
Now, here I was--- thinking about my stepsister this way. Had I crossed some kind of line here?
Maybe I had been watching too much porn. Maybe I just needed more human interaction in my life. Kind of a bad time to realize that with the lockdown going on. It wasn’t like I could go back to campus and start expanding my cadre of friends.
Maybe I needed to get on Zoom and talk to more people. There had been a few girls I had chatted up. They’d be home now, looking for some kind of solace. At the very least, I could set something up for the coming months.
And who knows? Maybe we’d both sneak out and meet somewhere--- Have sex in a car parked in the woods. That might be the move.
But that would be dumb, right now, with the virus going around. Maybe that was why I was going insane.
I still couldn’t believe I was thinking about my stepsister like this. Sure, I knew I couldn’t act on it; that would be wrong.
However, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. What the fuck was wrong with me?Chapter Six - Tracianne“God, I’m so bored already,” I texted Diamond.
“Damn girl. One dip in the pool and you outta shit to do?”
I snapped a pic of my frowny face and sent it to her.
“You lookin’ good poolside. That new stepbrother of yours checking you out?! LOL!” she asked.
I sent her a vomiting emoticon and then I looked back at the house. Phil wasn’t looking at me, was he? I was probably being paranoid. God, that would be just icing on the cake. Big fucking know-it-all--- Lecturing me about the virus like he’s the WHO. Who died and made him King Shit?
I texted Gillian. She was less gregarious. I wanted a mellow conversation.
“Hey, Gil,” I texted.
“Hey.”
“How are you doing?”
She called. Guess she was feeling cooped up.
“Okay, I guess. Parents are already driving me nuts. I have to get out of here!” she said in Facetime.
“Where would you go?”
“Anywhere! I just wanna go to Starbucks and hang out. Or a bar. Yeah, a bar would be sweet right now. Wish we had a pool like your family.”
“You’re not missing much. I’m already bored with it,” I relayed. “One swim and I’m like done. I’ll be all day washing and fixing my hair just for a dip.”
“Why? You can’t go anywhere. Who cares how you look?”
“Well, I do,” I countered. “I don’t want to completely slob out over this.”
“Oh, fuck that. I’m already in sweats. I’m not shaving or anything until this over.”
“Gil!”
“Well, what’s the point? My family lives out in the sticks. You have to get into a car to see anyone,” she lamented.
“At least you can go for walks in the woods, right?”
“Yeah, that’s true. That’ll be nice, I guess. For a while. But shit--- I think I may be a functional alcoholic. I’m going through withdraw!”
“No, you’re not. You’re like a two beer chump, Gil.”
“That’s not true! Remember Margarita Night?”
“That doesn’t count! That bottle of tequila was so tiny and the mix we had--- That was like a ten to one ratio!”
“Still, I had like three of them.”
“Yeah and you still passed out!” I laughed.
“And what about that time with you and Jared,” she reminded me. “Oh, Jared, that’s so interesting! Oh, Jared, you’re so tall and smart! Oh, Jared, take me!”
