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She felt like apologizing and realized that was utterly ridiculous.
Alex grabbed her hand, squeezed it hard enough that her fingers hurt.
“How could he have been with someone else?” He shook his head and eased his grip. “I'm sorry. That's a BS question to ask you. I don't want to pry.”
Actually, it was a relief to talk to someone about it. She'd kept the whole sordid mess to herself, and the fact that Alex hadn't known either made her feel less like a fool.
“I did wonder why and I did get angry, but I never con?fronted him. Now that he's gone, I wish I had. 1 despise myself for keeping quiet, because if I'd talked to him, maybe I wouldn't be so bitter now. Maybe I could have mourned him more honestly.” She shifted her legs, emotions making her restless. “I will say that he was never disrespectful. He never brought it home. And he practiced safe sex. I found all these...condoms in the suitcases he used for travel.”
She shuddered and took comfort by looking down at her hand in Alex's. Suddenly she wanted him to know every?thing. Her past was another secret she kept, and she wanted to out it, too. She was so damn tired of the social-gloss and stiff-upper-lip routine she'd been clinging to for as long as she could remember.
"Did you know he invented me? Well, we invented me. I come from absolutely nothing. No money. Mother and father who drank. I was lucky that I got into a state univer?sity on a scholarship, and when 1 graduated, 1 wanted to get as far away as I could from everything I'd known. I arrived in New York City with no illusions, and it was harder than I thought.“ She took a deep breath. ”I got a temp job at an architectural firm and that's where I saw my future. I went to night school to get the degree. Reese was my first real client. He gave me access to his friends, helped start my firm, supported me socially. I married him even?tually because it was the only thing he'd ever asked me for and I thought I loved him."
Cass felt something hit her face. When she wiped her cheek, it was wet. She rolled the tear back and forth between her thumb and forefinger until the thing disappeared.
“I stayed with him, even though I knew he was with other women on those sailing trips, because he loved me and he was a huge part of my life and— God, this is hard to say... I knew I didn't love him as much as I should have so I felt as though I couldn't really demand monogamy. It almost didn't seem fair.” She sighed, trying to release the tension in her shoulders and belly. “I will tell you, never again. I won't...now I would never marry a man I didn't love down to my soul and I would expect him to be faithful. Always.”
“I thought you were both totally in love,” Alex said softly.
“We weren't. He loved me as best he could and it wasn't enough. I cared for him deeply and it wasn't enough. We were...very broken. Going along, going through the motions. He must have been unhappy, too, or he wouldn't have been with the others. Or at least...I'd rather believe that than think he was incapable of being true to someone he loved. Because that would be a serious failing, don't you think?”
She thought back to the first four years of her marriage, when she and Reese had tried to conceive. After the night of that phone call, she'd stopped being able to make love to him. It just hadn't felt right and he'd accepted her excuse
God, her marriage really had been falling apart, hadn't it? More tears came to her eyes.
“What is it?” Alex asked.
“I didn't want him to die. Truly I didn't. I hear myself talking right now and I sound so bitter, but I think that's because I'm looking at the marriage honestly for the first time. And it's a shame that this is happening now, after he's gone. I don't think we would have lasted much longer together, but maybe we would have remained friends. He was a great friend. He could make me laugh—” She choked up.
Remembering the good times was so hard, but there had been some. A lot, actually.
Abruptly, she had an image of that aide in the nursing home and how awkward Alex had gotten when the woman had become emotional.
“Anyway,” Cass muttered briskly. Her momentum was lost when she hiccupped and said nothing more. Alex let go of her hand.
Oh, hell. She should have known not to go revealing her—He shifted around so he was lying next to her. Then he pulled her against him.
Of course, that just made her want to weep in great gnashes and wails. And not because of Reese.
Kindness from Alex ruined her. Made her see yet again that whatever she'd felt for Reese, those emotions had been something entirely different from what a woman could truly feel for a man. Gratitude, respect, affection, warmth, it had all been part of a mix she had thought was love.
But she knew what had been missing now. The core of her had remained separate, apart from Reese.
Not so with Alex. Tragically.
As the great swell of emotion passed, she became aware of the smell of him, his aftershave mingling with a subtle scent that was only Alex. She felt his thigh running along hers and the thick pads of his pees under her head. The warmth of him seemed to seep through the comforter and into her body.
She tilted her head up and looked at him. His eyes were closed.
God, his lips were so close. And so perfect. The lower one more full; the upper curved at the top.
Even though she knew it was a bad idea, she leaned in and kissed him softly. His lids flipped open and he jerked back.
He stared at her with hooded eyes, the midnight blue of his irises giving nothing away. Then he smoothed her hair back, pressed his lips to her forehead, and tucked her face into his chest.
Well, if that wasn't just about the nicest refusal she'd ever had.
A moment later, Alex got up from the bed. He kept his back to her as he walked over to the door. He opened it, stepped outside and shut it partway.
“Good night, Cassandra. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?” She put her arm across her eyes. “Of course. Sure.” How could she have forgotten that his Miracle was downstairs?
“Captain?”
Alex looked across the interior of the Viper. He hoped Mad didn't want to talk about the dinner party. He didn't remember what he'd eaten, and had no idea what the bunch of them might have talked about.
“Captain?”
He shook himself. Evidently, his memory wasn't theonly thing he'd lost. His hearing had also checked out for the evening.
“Sorry?”
“I asked, what's doing?” She parked in front of the shop. He shrugged and opened the door. “Nada.”
Palming his cane, he levered himself out. Snow was falling yet again and he wondered how in the hell she was going to get back to Manhattan in the sports car. His next thought was that he didn't have to worry. Mad could handle herself in any situation.
They went inside together and Mad took first crack at the bathroom. While she hummed that Star Wars theme and brushed her teeth, Alex stoked the potbellied stove and then waited at the desk, stewing.
No, he thought, wrong cooking parallel. He was steaming. Alex was royally pissed. Angry enough to chew tin and spit nails.
If Reese had been alive, he would have done whatever he had to to get to the man—car, train, boat—and then he would have called his partner a bastard to the guy's face.
Would have been tempted to haul off and hit him.
It wasn't just that Reese had violated his marriage oaths and shamed Cassandra, although that alone was enough to shoot Alex into orbit. The sheer stupidity of the infidelity was offensive. If you had gold in your hands, why the hell would you go looking for stone?
“Captain, bathroom's free.”
Alex nodded. And didn't get up.
Mad walked over and propped her hip against the desk. “You want to talk about it now?”
“No, I don't.” But then the words just popped out. “Did you know Reese was cheating on his wife?”
“Yes.”
Alex felt his eyes stretch. “God...damn. Why didn't I know?”
“You never went to the parties, Captain. That's when it happened. Everyone knew it. We assumed that's why he never brought her along and why she never met any of us. He wanted his lives separate, obviously needed to keep them that way.”
Alex rubbed his palm over his face.
“There something going on between you and her?” Mad asked.
“No.”
“You lying to me or yourself right now?”
“You.”
“I won't say anything to the boys.”
He got up, not trusting himself to say anything more. He was liable to spill his guts and he didn't want Mad having to keep so much from the rest of the crew.
“Thanks, Mad.”
He went into the bathroom and tried to do a scrub job on his brain as he brushed his teeth. The former didn't work, but he was so furious his chompers were gleaming by the time he was finished.
Probably had stripped off half his enamel in the process. When he came out, Mad was getting into her sleeping bag. She was wearing that sports bra and underwear com? bination again only this time the two halves were navy blue. He thought of Spike that morning, looking so completely overwhelmed when the two of them had met. The guy's struck-stupids had persisted throughout the evening. He'd watched Mad the whole time, his lips zipped and his eyes super-focused. It was a total social reversal. At the New
Year's Eve party, Spike had been full of the yakkies around women. But with her, he was about as talkative as a ficus.
“So, Mad, I think you have an admirer,” Alex said as he got into bed.
She cocked an eyebrow while punching her pillow into shape. “Yeah?”
“Spike likes you.”
Mad grinned and settled herself on her side. Her eyes twinkled. “Oh, God, I really like him. He's got such a terrific edge to him...you know, that slightly dangerous thing. Too bad he's so shy.”
Shy? Spike wasn't shy, he was enthralled. “I don't think that's why he's quiet.”
“You know, it's too bad we don't need a cook. The rest of the boys would get a kick out of him. He'd fit right in with us.”
Alex shook his head ruefully. How could she be so clueless?
“Mad, you're missing my point. He likes you. He's at?tracted to you.”
She stared at him for a moment, the merry grin leaving her face. Then she slashed her hand through the air. “Yeah, whatever.”
Mad turned on her back. Shut him out.
“Mind if I ask you something?” he said.
“Anything, Captain.”
“It's personal.”
“So.”
“Do you like men?”
She looked over her shoulder at him and laughed. “All my friends are men, I work with men, I live with men. Of course I like them.”
“I mean, sexually.”
“Oh.” Her eyes shifted away from his. “I—ah, I don't know. I've never had one before.”
He smiled. “Don't feel awkward about it, for God's sake.” “Well, I guess I figure I'm a little unusual.”
“You aren't. And I sure as hell don't care that you're a lesbian.”
Her eyes shot back to his. She cleared her throat. Good Lord, was Mad Dog Maguire blushing?
“Captain, I'm not— I don't like women like that” Alex frowned. “So if you've never been with a man and you're not a lesbian, what—”
“I'm a virgin, okay? I'm a professional athlete who's one of the best navigators in our sport who just happens to have never had sex. It's no big deal, you know” She grimaced and put her hands to her face. “God, are we really having this conversation? 'Cause I kind of hope this is a bad dream.”
Alex could only stare at her.
“Stop staring at me, Captain.”
“Sorry, it's just...a little bit of a surprise, that's all.” “Yeah, well, I'm not contagious or anything. You can't catch inexperience from me,” she muttered.
