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In all honesty, I knew I gave him little to no choice that night. When I asked him to go and never return to me - I had meant it. I hadn't wanted to see him again. I believed, although I knew it would be difficult, that I would get over him. I thought in time, I would find a way to appreciate the memories he left me with. I hadn't been prepared for the feelings of utter desperation that consumed me only hours after his departure. I never thought it was possible for me to need someone this way. As though they were the air I breathed…the blood in my veins…the beat in my heart. Jace was all of this to me. He was my life. It was no wonder I was slowly falling apart inside, wasting away to nothing. I now fully believed in what I had always thought impossible; I knew without a doubt, I could die of a broken heart.
***
I opened the door of my bedroom to find Moo-moo curled against the frame. He opened sleepy eyes and meowed, pulling a smile from somewhere deep inside of me. It was real and humble. As of late, only Moo-moo was able to elicit a smile from me. I knelt, patted his head and walked into the kitchen. I had already checked Google alerts for anything new on Jace. There were none. He was leading a pretty boring life as of late. The usual parade of girls adorning his image in photos had dwindled. He was all about business and no pleasure. But that didn't mean he didn't have another woman bowing to his whims. She could be in the background, a means to an end for him. The thought drilled another hole into my heart and I held my chest tight in response to the pain. Oh, there was so much pain.
I clutched the countertop as I gasped for breath, trying and failing to push Jace from my mind. He had no right claiming me this way. His memory had no right to halt my life from continuing like normal. Anger sparked in my chest and I knew this was a cycle. It was familiar. I went through it every day. I knew the anger would only last a few short minutes before the pain dulled the flood of emotions within me, voiding me of anything and everything that made me appear human.
I pushed from the counter, dished Moo-moo his canned breakfast and started making coffee before the pain swelled within me again. I moaned into the silence, leaning over the sink as I heaved dryly.
"You're sick, Liv." Trisha's tired voice assaulted my senses and I groaned. "You need help."
"No," I moaned. "I just need him."
"Then call him." She sighed and suddenly her hand was on my back, rubbing away the build-up of stress. "Call him." She said forcefully and I flinched.
"I can't." I shook my head, feeling nauseous. I wasn't in the least afraid that I might actually release the contents of my stomach. I felt the need to throw up, but I knew it wouldn't happen. I had nothing in my stomach to empty. I barely ate a cube of cheese a day. I simply couldn't stomach the feeling. It was awful.
"You can." Trisha's hand moved up the length of my spine. Her touch was warm, pulling beads of sweat from my hairline as I tried to shrug off her touch. She refused to be moved. "You can't go on this way. You need to make a decision, Liv, because I can't watch you do this for much longer. It's been two months!"
"Seven weeks," I gasped. "It's been seven weeks."
"Shit, Liv." I felt her shake her head and I slammed my eyes shut tight as I leaned into the sink, trying to calm the raging pain. I never thought this was possible. I never once thought someone would have the power to destroy me in their absence. "I don't know how to help you, but you're scaring me."
"I'm sorry." I said numbly as I heaved myself from my crouch over the counter. "I'm trying to forget him."
"No you're not." She shook her head. "And even if you were, by some miracle trying to forget him, you won't. Because you can't."
"What?" I frowned.
"You can't just forget about someone you love." She smiled sadly and my heart solidified with the weight of a mountain, dropping through my body all the way to my foot. I was floored.
"I can't," My voice croaked and I closed my mouth, willing away my tears.
"Jeez, Liv." Trisha reached up for a mug and brought down two. "Let's have a coffee. We have a big day today and we're going to need energy."
I nodded because there was nothing else for me to do. Coffee had been a main staple for me these last seven weeks. I ate just barely enough to keep me going and that was it. It was all I could stomach. With the constant thought of Jace weighing down on the nerves in my stomach, the idea of adding food to the mixture made me want to run to the nearest washroom to empty the already sparse contents of my stomach. I had lost weight. Almost fifteen pounds. I hadn't had fifteen pounds to lose and I was now aware I looked sickly thin. But I didn't care. I wasn't trying to catch anyone's eye. I already lost the one man I cared about…the one man I was able to find a love in my heart for. No other would do. It was just as well that I be unattractive to those around me rather than having to constantly fend off prying eyes. I couldn't deal with that.
