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I looked at her defiantly. “I thought you said thoughts and feelings were invisible, Jenny. No one’s supposed to be able to see them.”
“They’re not invisible when they’re written all over your face,” she snapped.
We just looked at each other for a beat.
“I’m trying to do the right thing,” I said. “For both James and me.”
“Did you talk to him about how you’re feeling? Did he tell you what he wants?” she asked.
I shook my head no. “He tried to. But honestly, I don’t want to know. Because no matter what he says, I know I’m not the best thing for him.”
Jenny squeezed my arm. “You’re such a good person—one of the best people I know. When’re you going to give yourself a chance?”
“A chance for what?” I asked miserably.
“To be happy,” Jenny said.
“I am happy. At least I know what it feels like now,” I mumbled.
She frowned at me again. “If you love him—and I’m guessing that’s what you mean—you’ve got to give him a chance,” she said.
“I can’t, Jenny.” I felt as if I might cry. “I’m just trying to keep this from going from bad to worse. Bad is where I’m at. I love him, and he’s totally out of my league. His mother hates me, and she’ll never accept me into their family. My mother’s already tried to blackmail him. That’s why she came to the wedding. It’s not like we’re ever going to be one big, happy family.”
I took a deep breath. “And it could get so much worse—that’s why I don’t even want to know how he feels. What if he loves me back, huh? It’ll never work out and that would break my heart. Or what if he doesn’t love me back? Then that would break my f**king heart. You get it?”
“I get it.” Jenny sighed. “But you gotta stop this overthinking. And you gotta let him have a say. Otherwise you’ll never find out.”
“Find out what?” I asked.
“Who he is, Dre.” Jenny looked like she pitied me a little. “If you don’t let him tell you how he feels about you, you’ll never get a chance to know. And that might seem safe and perfect, in that little airtight container that you’re trying to create for yourself, but it’s not right.
“I know you: you want everything in order. You want to take care of Tommy and keep your Mom out of trouble and keep James up on a pedestal. But that little airtight container’s not big enough for you, girl. It’s not big enough for you to have a life.”
“Huh,” I said. I picked some more imaginary lint off my skirt. Jenny knew me better than I wished she did. “Have I told you lately that you’re smart?”
“You have,” she said and smiled. “So if you think I’m so smart, you listen to what I’m saying. You gotta be brave here. Desperate times call for desperate measures. And maybe some liquid courage.”
She hit the button above us and an attendant appeared instantly. “We’d like two large glasses of alcohol,” Jenny said. “Any kind you got. This being such a fancy flight and all, I’m sure it’s all good.”
James
The plane ride passed in a blur. Cole and I drank bourbon and talked about sports. He must have sensed that I needed to keep things on an even keel; he didn’t even bug me to switch back to my old seat so he could be next to Jenny.
We got to the island, and although I was sure it was beautiful, I didn’t really notice. I’d been to a dozen beautiful islands before. I didn’t give a f**k. Audrey was like a prisoner next to me, silent and resigned.
We’d just checked in when I heard my name. “James!” I turned around to see Todd waving at us. “Drinks poolside tonight,” he called, giving me the thumbs-up. It was still early, which meant Audrey and I had a few hours to ourselves.
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
We walked through the resort’s property, and although I supposed it was sufficiently luxurious, I noticed none of it. All I could think about was Audrey. I didn’t know what was going on inside of her—I had no idea what she was thinking—and it made me feel off-kilter.
She’d told me she loved me… had she meant it? She’d been so distant from me in the hours since then, it was as if she was someone else.
The valet brought us to our villa, which was an enormous, ornate pink-stucco house with a wraparound porch. We went inside, and he as**sured me that our luggage and all the liquor I’d requested would arrive shortly. We had a butler as**signed to us, but I dismissed him immediately; I only wanted to be alone. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be with Audrey right now.
