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He stood and followed me the short distance to the kitchen. He folded his arms and sighed. “You mean you won’t.”
That was exactly what I meant, but I blamed it on my grandma. “If I leave, Grandma would have to sell her glass art studio.” I currently ran the studio and taught most of the classes we offered there. I grabbed the coffee pot to fill with water.
Jonah took it right out of my hands, set it on the cluttered counter, and gently turned me toward him. He tipped up my chin with his finger, making sure our eyes met.
I stared into his bloodshot eyes, wishing things could be different, but life had taught me they never were. We would eventually end, just like over half of the population. I couldn’t bear us hating each other, or worse, him proving my mother right. It was best to end it while all my memories of him were fond ones. Like I had always planned on doing for both our sakes. But I hadn’t planned on him. I got lost in him and waited too long to walk away.
He rested his hand on my cheek. “You’re making excuses.”
“I love my job and my life here.” That was true.
“I know that, and we would try and come back here eventually, but you can open a studio in Michigan or wherever we end up after my residency.”
I turned away from him and grabbed the pot. “Life isn’t that simple. And I don’t have that kind of money.”
“I do.” He leaned against the old Formica countertop.
He wasn’t helping his plight. It was only a reminder that he came from a “normal” family. His parents had been married forever and were both successful dentists in St. Louis. His mom certainly hadn’t blown up her wedding dresses like mine had, or toured the country with her daughter in tow seeing how many worthless men she could marry in the span of fifteen years. To top it off, his parents didn’t think too highly of me. They’d made that very clear when they visited last month, even though they believed Jonah and I were only friends. They thought it was a crime that I bucked social norms and skipped out on higher education.
I turned on the water. “I’m not taking your money.”
“What if it was ours?”
My head popped up. “What are you saying?” Wait. I didn’t want him to say it. I dropped the pot in the sink and rushed to place my finger on his soft lips. The ones I had reveled in feeling against my own many times. “Please don’t ask.” My voice cracked.
He removed my finger with a hefty exhale. He clasped my hand and let our hands fall together to our sides. “If I don’t, I’ll always regret it.”
“Even if you know the answer will be ‘no’?”
“It doesn’t have to be,” he pled. “We’re good together and you know it.”
A hundred memories of us played at high speed in my head. They were all wonderful, from taking late-night hikes to eating ice cream in our pajamas at the nearby café. I remembered the first time he’d called and asked me to ice cream, I told him I was in my pajamas and the bra had already come off. He’d said, “Perfect, I’ll meet you there in my pajamas, and I won’t wear my bra either.”
It hadn’t been only fun and games though. He was there for the difficult times too. He’d held my hand when my mom slipped into a coma, and never left my side until well after she took her last breath. He stayed even though my mom never hid how displeased she was about our friendship, and her final words in his presence were begging me to promise her two things. First, that I would never open the annual envelope I received from my father. And second, that I would never get married, especially to a doctor.
“We are good together now,” I countered, even though I couldn’t make eye contact with him. I didn’t want him to see the shadow of doubt that filled my own. He was making me question the cold hard truth I had on my side. I’d seen for myself and had firsthand experience how devastated a man could and would leave you, given the chance. The first man who should have loved me left me before I was even born.
“That’s your mom talking.”
With my free hand, I held onto the counter for support. “Every man in my life, I’ve had to return. I refuse to let you be one of them.”
He pulled me to him and leaned his forehead against mine. His breath cascaded down my face like a warm waterfall. “What do you think you’re doing now?”
“Saving us.”
“No, Ariana.” He kissed my nose. “You’re throwing us away.”
