AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“She knows there is no such person,” Eliza scolded me. “Only uneducated people believe in such nonsense.”
“I guess it’s a good thing I’m not as smart as you then.” I walked out of the kitchen with my head held high, but inside I felt small. I felt like that girl back in second grade who wore the same dirty clothes to school every day.
Jonah was hot on my heels. I made it to the front door before he grabbed my hand. “Ariana, don’t go. You belong here.”
I looked around his beautiful home. The pit in my stomach deepened. The little girl inside of me with greasy hair wanted to shrivel inside herself. “You know, I don’t think I do. I think today was a sign. I’m not meant to move on, and I don’t belong in your world. I never did.”
“That’s not true.”
He was wrong. I grabbed my bag and threw open his door. He followed me out into the thirty-degree weather in his bare feet. I marched toward my car and popped the trunk with my key fob. I retrieved Whitney’s doll, carefully wrapped in a silver box with a big red bow. I handed it to Jonah.
“This is Whitney’s doll.”
Jonah refused to take it. “You can put it under the tree with me tonight.”
“I won’t be here,” my voice was as unsteady as I felt. “Take it.” I held it out farther.
He still refused. “I’ll go kick my parents and Eliza out right now.”
“No, you won’t. Not in front of Whitney, and not on my account.”
“What do you mean on your account? It’s on my account. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You and Whitney mean more to me than anyone.”
I looked up at the clear night sky. I swear the bright stars were blinking out a message that said the universe was against me. Hadn’t it always been, since my birth? “We aren’t meant to last. We never were,” I choked out.
“Dammit, Ariana, why are you always looking for an excuse to push me away?”
I met his furious eyes. The heavy breaths he was forcing out swirled in the cold air, making him look even angrier.
“I don’t need to look for them. It’s just our reality.”
He threw his hands up. “Fine. I’m done trying to convince you. If you want me, I’ll be here. But you’re going to have to decide once and for all.”
I felt like the world already had. I shoved the box at him. “Goodbye, Jonah.”
His wide eyes said he couldn’t believe I was leaving, but he determinedly took the box. “Goodbye, Ariana.” He said it with such soul crushing finality I could hardly catch my breath.
Hot tears stung my cold cheeks while the universe laughed. It got what it wanted. It made sure I got my return in for the day. Never, though, had it felt like I’d returned my heart along with the letter.Chapter Twenty-FourThe stupid note I’d left the courier was on the door when I returned home. I ripped it off and crumpled it before tossing it down the hall. I walked into the loft to find it eerily quiet. I’d never felt so alone. I kept telling myself it was better this way. Better to return Jonah before it went any further, but I didn’t feel better at all. I failed therapy. Or maybe therapy failed me.
I thought today was the day I would get my Christmas wish. That I would be free to love and be loved. That’s what I always really wanted for Christmas every year. Maybe I asked for it in presents I never got, but those gifts represented the ache I had in my life to be truly loved. Once again, I would be going to bed on Christmas Eve knowing there would be no Christmas magic come morning. The tree would be metaphorically empty.
I didn’t even bother putting on pajamas. All I did was turn off my phone, crawl into bed, snuggle in deep under my covers, and curl into a ball. One good thing my childhood had taught me how to do was fall asleep under any circumstance. It was like I had selective narcolepsy; it was my body’s defense mechanism. While things weren’t always better in the morning, it at least meant I got at least eight hours of not having to live whatever pain I was experiencing. When I was little it meant I was free of the fighting and drinking. If I was lucky enough, it meant waking up to my mom’s husband or boyfriend being gone for the day, or gone for good, in some instances.
Tonight it would mean not feeling small and inferior, not feeling at all. I didn’t think I could take the gnawing pain in my chest where my heart once beat. All that was there now was a desolate abyss. I closed my eyes and let sleep overtake me. Tomorrow I would feel the full loss of Jonah.
