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I’d promised myself I would never be that desperate girl again, willing to do anything to be loved. But . . . I rubbed my abdomen. This wasn’t about me. A small, precious life was at stake. A life I had to be strong for. A baby I would have to be both mother and father to. I would show my baby what real love was. I didn’t need Brock for that. All I needed was his name. I would play John’s wicked game. However, I wasn’t going to lose myself or my dignity while doing it. Brant and I had made a mistake, but we hadn’t intentionally tried to hurt Brock. And I was done letting him hurt me over it anymore. I could understand his anger and even his distrust. But, if he couldn’t see that I loved him and how sorry I was for hurting him, I wasn’t sure he was ever going to.
So from here on out, I would play the part of Mrs. Brock Holland in the public eye. In my heart, though, I would preserve Dani Kramer. Eventually, I would figure a way out of this mess for my baby and me. Perhaps if I was really lucky, I could force myself to fall out of love with my husband somewhere along the way.
I am enough. It was a phrase I’d had to repeat to myself many times over the years. It would have to do for tonight. I found some strength and pulled the comforter around me. Though my heart ached, I felt peace. Enough peace for me to drift off to sleep.
I wasn’t sure how long I had slept when I was woken by a knock on my door. Before I could even register that someone had been knocking, the door opened.
“Dani.” Brock stepped in.
My eyes opened and blinked several times. I had left the light on and the abrupt brightness was blinding. When I was able to focus, Brock came into view, dressed in a tight T-shirt and jeans. He was holding a brown paper bag, looking forlorn. “I’m sorry I woke you up.” He stepped closer. “And I’m sorry for earlier.”
“It’s fine.” I tried to act unaffected. “I get it.” And honestly, I did understand—I just wasn’t going to be trampled on over it anymore.
“It’s not fine.” He held up the bag. “I got some mint chocolate chip ice cream, your favorite. I thought maybe we could watch a movie and talk.”
My first instinct was to jump out of bed and join him, except I knew it wasn’t going to change anything. For fourteen years I had loved this man and had waited for him to love me back. I felt like we were on a boat with only one oar and doing circles, not getting anywhere. We had been for almost our entire relationship.
“Thank you, but I’m tired.”
He let the bag drop, seemingly surprised by my declining his offer. Believe me, I was astonished too. I’d never really rejected him before.
“Of course.” He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry I disturbed you.”
I snuggled farther into the blanket before I could give into him—into myself, really. “Good night.”
“Good night,” he whispered while picking up the bag. He walked slowly toward the door, but before he exited, he turned back toward me. “I was thinking, I could cancel my golf game in the morning with my dad and Brant, and we could do a river cruise.”
That sounded lovely, but it only meant giving me more false hope, and I couldn’t afford any more. “I have a lot of work to catch up on before the engagement party. Have fun with your dad and Brant,” I said as kindly as I could, but I’m sure it came out more withdrawn and emotionless. More like how I felt.
He tilted his head. “I didn’t know you’d brought your work with you.”
“You know me—it’s never far from my mind. I have several emails I need to get out tomorrow. The holidays will be here before we know it, and I don’t want any children to slip through the cracks this year.”
“You’ve never let that happen before.”
“I don’t want this to be the year I fail.”
“I’m sure you won’t.”
“I hope not. See you tomorrow.” I tried to dismiss him. I couldn’t stand the tender way he was looking at me. It wouldn’t last. It never did with him. He didn’t want me.
He turned to leave but stopped himself again. “Dani, I am sorry.”
“I know.” I believed him. He was, after all, a good man. And we had both been through a lot.
His sigh indicated my answer didn’t satisfy him. “Is everything all right?”
“No. But it will be.”Chapter TwelveI stared at myself in the mirror, taking deep breaths in and out. I hardly recognized myself with the elegant updo I’d learned to do by watching a YouTube video, and dressed in the ridiculous red halter mermaid-style gown that showed every curve I owned and made my gray eyes pop. The dress was Sheridan’s idea. I’d tried objecting, saying it was too va-va-voom—which it was—but my true worry had been that, with how form fitting it was, there would be no hiding I was pregnant by the time the party rolled around. No baby bump had appeared yet. I didn’t know why, but I was anxiously waiting for it. Maybe because I needed the physical reminder of why I was doing this.
