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I took the hidden back road to the Ranch to see Mom. I needed her to tell me what to do. My Jeep easily traversed the bumpy dirt road almost obscured by overgrown pine trees. I loved the cool summer nights and the smell of distant campfires with the crickets providing background music. The clearing up ahead told me I was close. I slowed down even more until I reached Mom’s meadow. Shannon’s Meadow, as we called it. It was as lovely as she was, with wildflowers and tall grass as far as the eye could see. It was punctuated with a crystal blue pond in the middle and the small cabin where my life began. My dads served in the military together in the same Army Ranger Regiment. After seeing their fair share of conflict, they both decided to settle here. It was home for my dad Dane, and a new beginning for my biological father Anders, who was already married to the lovely Shannon at the time.
I parked on the dirt drive that looped around the old place. So many memories, both happy and sad, filled me. Mom loved this little one-story log cabin with the pink door. I think Dad shook his head every time he saw it, but I always saw the smile in his eyes as if he was thinking, that’s my girl. Now I didn’t know what the man was thinking. How could he have gone from Mom to her?
I ran my hands across the tall grass as I walked toward the back of the cabin. It didn’t seem right that Mom was here when . . . Josephine—I could hardly think her name—was living with Dad in the main house not that far up the road. In the distance I could hear the night’s festivities. Old Grady’s band was playing country tunes for the Ranch guests. The smoke of the nightly bonfire could be seen in the dusk filled sky. Last year I would have been tempted to drive over and join in on the fun, but the Ranch no longer held the magic for me it once had.
Tonight, I made my way through the white picket fence gate several feet behind the cabin. The creak I expected never came. It must have been oiled since I was out to visit last week. I tiptoed across the sacred ground until I saw her name engraved on her magenta granite headstone. The pink hue in the sky added to the granite’s pinkness. I laughed and cried thinking about how delighted that would have made Mom. I knelt on the cool grass in front of the stone. July of last year, my life irrevocably changed. One slip on a ladder. The ugly words epidural hematoma still rang in my head. Why did she need to climb into the loft of the barn to see how many Christmas lights she had in July? Because that was her.
My eyes were drawn to one of her favorite quotes by Willa Cather inscribed on her headstone, Where there is great love there are always miracles.
I wiped my eyes. She embodied that quote. No mother loved greater than Shannon Carrington. She was my miracle. And honestly, I thought she had left me with one, but nothing was overcoming the curse of my last name. Not even the great love my mother had for me or the love I felt for Sawyer.
I picked the grass around me. “Mom, I know you would tell me you’re not here and not to waste my time mourning you, but too bad. I will mourn you forever.” I sank further into the ground. “I really need your advice. How do I get over Sawyer? Clearly, being in love with him is a lost cause. I have to say, I partially blame you.” She’d made me promise to wear pink at her funeral even though it wasn’t my color. I looked like a chewed-up wad of gum, especially next to the twins, who looked like sparkling pink champagne. I had no idea Sawyer would show up. For a minute there, I thought my mom had sent him. But she finally got her wish. I now believed in love at first sight.
I thought back to our first official meeting. It should have been our first date. Instead, he stood by one of the pine pews in the church after the service carrying a dozen pink roses as if he knew those were Mom’s favorite. But they weren’t for Mom, they were for me. Those dried roses hung in my walk-in closet now. The roses weren’t half as attractive as him. I knew Mom wouldn’t mind me ogling him at her funeral in his dark suit and tie. In fact, I smiled thinking how pleased she must have been by my reaction to him, especially when I clung to him for the world’s longest hug.
