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“I’m going to have to disagree.” She shook.
I pointed with my flashlight to a “private” spot for the princess. “This should work.”
She let go of my arm. “Okay,” she said through gritted teeth, “what do I do?”
I couldn’t believe I was having to give her outdoor peeing lessons. “See how the ground is mostly level. Keep your feet pointed downhill so you don’t pee on yourself.”
“Pee on myself?”
I shrugged. “It happens if you’re not careful.”
“Well, how do I be extra careful?”
I needed some Dr. Pepper before I had these kinds of conversations. “It’s not that difficult.” I tried not to be snippy. I couldn’t imagine holding my pee for as long as she had. If she didn’t get a UTI, I was going to be surprised. “Just pull your shorts and underwear down to right at your knees, spread your feet at least shoulder width apart, and squat all the way down. Make sure your thighs touch your calves.” That may be difficult for her since her thighs were more like bean poles. “Then you can do the rest. I’ll turn around.”
“Don’t do that. I need the light.”
I wasn’t going to watch this woman pee. “I’ll hold the flashlight over my shoulder.”
“Oh. Okay. But what do I wipe myself with?”
“If you’re only peeing it’s best just to air dry. Any toilet paper you use you would have to pack out.”
“Are you serious?”
As a freaking heart attack. “You should always leave a campsite as clean or cleaner than you found it.”
She nodded, unsure with that assessment. “Well, okay. Here goes nothing.”
I turned around but kept shining my flashlight on her.
“Oh Mylanta,” she shouted, “it’s cold on my wooha and bum.”
I had to hold back my laugh.
“I hope I’m doing this right. Do you want to check before I start?”
“I’m good. I’m sure you’re doing fine.”
“Okay.” She sounded like she might cry.
Soon I heard a trickle of urine.
“Oh. My. Gosh. Yes! Yes! Yes!”
Holy crap, she sounded as if she were having a much different experience than relieving herself. She was going to wake everyone up. I gave in to the fits of laughter I had been keeping in. Maybe I should hold my urine for several hours if it felt that good.
I must have stood there for a good ten minutes while she first relieved herself and then air dried. I was impressed she could squat for so long, but that explained her incredible figure.
“Emma,” she said after I could no longer hear any tinkling or a downright stream. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
“I mean thank you for everything. I have this feeling that you and I are going to be best friends.”
She might want to get her head checked, because with God as my witness, Goddess Potty and I were never going to be the best of anything unless she married Sawyer. In that case, I might consider her my best enemy.
~*~
There was no going back to sleep for me after my way too early wake-up call. I decided to take a bit of a hike up the mountain to the ledge where Dad and I’d had some great heart-to-hearts growing up about everything from what school I should attend to why it wasn’t fair that I wasn’t as pretty as my sisters. He would wrap his arm around me and say, “Honey, there are all sorts of pretty in this world and you are among the prettiest.” He was such a liar. I loved him for it.
The ledge wasn’t only good for talks; it was the perfect place to watch the sunrise and think about life. I’d told Shelby where I was going before she fell back asleep just in case something happened to me. Once the sun was up, I would have a clear view of the campsite and I could be seen by any in our group. I didn’t expect anyone to get up for at least a couple more hours unless preggers needed to pee too. Jenna said being pregnant meant peeing became your new hobby. At least she would do it quietly.
It didn’t take me long to take the dirt path up the mountain a bit. Even in the dark it was easy to traverse. I took special care to watch out for branches. I didn’t need the other side of my face to look like I’d been on a date with Freddy Krueger. Sadly, he too would have friend-zoned me I was sure. It was a cold but clear morning, worthy of the jacket and the thermal underwear I was wearing. I looked ridiculous, but what the heck. I could see my breath as I walked with my hands in my jacket pockets. There were still a few stars twinkling in the just-before-dawn sky; the moon was doing its best to hang on too. A few birds were already up and chirping away. In fact, it kind of sounded like the way Josephine whined at my dad. Those poor male birds.
