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Greg took me to the Sunrise House to have breakfast. He bought me one of those giant pancake combos with jam and whipped cream and while I ate, he talked. I could still remember his patient calm voice. "Sex is a human necessity. It's also an issue of trust, for you more than for other people. Intimacy puts you in danger, Kate."
I shrugged. "I can take Derin. He's not all that."
Greg sighed. "That's not what I mean. Physical intimacy leads to emotional intimacy and vice versa. If you have a relationship with Derin, even if you intend for it to be purely physical, sooner or later you will let down your guard. Tell me, what's the worst thing that can happen if Derin realizes how powerful you are?"
I stuffed a huge chunk of my pancake into my mouth and chewed it slowly, just to irritate him. "He'll connect the dots and sell me out to my real father?"
"That would be unfortunate, yes. But that's not the worst thing that can happen."
"If you're talking about transference, we used protection. I'm not an idiot, Greg."
He shook his head.
"Well, then I don't know."
Greg's blue eyes fixed on me. "Derin is an ambitious sort. Perfect grade point average, valedictorian, the first of his class to be promoted to Apprentice Level Two by the Mage Academy."
"Been spying on me?"
He brushed the barb aside. "Derin aims to go far in life. He wants it all: money, prestige, respect, power. He wants it so badly, he can almost taste it. And you are vulnerable, Kate. You miss your father and you dislike me. You're desperate for acceptance. If you persist, sooner or later--and I believe sooner--Derin will recognize your potential. He'll become the best boyfriend you could ever hope to find: kind, gentle, understanding. You'll fall in love or at least become infatuated. It's natural: if someone makes you feel better, you want to be with that person. Then Derin will ask you to do something for him. It will start small. Perhaps he has a problem with another student. Or he needs to impress a professor to get a scholarship. A small thing. Nothing really.
"It might require you to use your magic or perhaps just a drop or two of your blood. You'll do it, because you love him. Then he'll ask something else. And then something bigger. And every time you comply, he'll pamper you and make you feel as if you're the only woman on Earth. And then one day you'll wake up and realize that you've been used, that you've chained yourself to this man who seeks only to further his own interests at the expense of your feelings and safety, and that his careless use of your power has drawn the attention of your father. Now you must defend him and yourself and you're not ready. Then, when the opportunity presents itself, he'll betray you to save his own skin. This is the worst thing that can happen. Even if you escape, this experience will scar you and emotional scars never heal completely. You'll never recover."
I stared at him, pancakes forgotten.
Greg drank his coffee. "You have a problem, Kate. If you form a relationship with someone weak, he'll be a liability. He'll feel inadequate and you'll deny yourself the satisfaction and joy of a true companionship. If you form a relationship with someone powerful, you run the risk of exposure or of being manipulated and used. Don't ever think that a man in a position of power won't tear down every wall in his way to form an alliance with you. Your magic makes you a priceless asset. How can you tell if someone loves you or craves your power?"
"I don't know."
Greg nodded. "Neither do I. A one-night stand with no strings attached is the safest option for you. It's not fair, but such is your reality. It's your life, Kate. I will advise you, but I won't force you to follow my advice. I do urge you to consider what I've told you. You've come this far. I'd hate to see it all go to waste."
I'd gone back to Derin right after breakfast. We holed up in his apartment, drank cheap booze, and had sex for two days. At the end of the long weekend, I decided to take a shower. When I came out, Derin was holding my sword. He'd never seen anything like that before. Could he take some samples? He was doing an independent study for the Mage Academy. It would really help him out.
I told him I'd trade samples for a chicken burrito. The closest place that sold them was a couple of miles away. He complained, but I wouldn't budge. The moment he left, I called Greg. It took Greg twenty minutes to get to the apartment, and by the time he got there, I'd shaken the sheets and pillowcases over the balcony, loaded them into the washing machine, swept the floor, and drowned the dishes in the sink. I wiped down the furniture and cleaned the shower drain. I removed all trash, every tissue, every stray hair, everything that could possibly betray me. Greg purified the apartment, searing it with his power. If any residual trace of my magic remained, it would be hidden. If Derin m-scanned the apartment, the m-scan would register only the blazing blue explosion of piner power. Then we and the trash bags left the building. Forty-eight hours later I was on my way to the Order's Academy, and I didn't know if it was because I wanted to get away from Derin or to get away from Greg, because he'd turned out to be right.
I stared at the files marked with the paw print.
Curran was paranoid. He valued his safety and the safety of the Pack; hell, he dedicated himself to preserving it. I always thought I put him in danger, and I told him so. He wanted me anyway. That meant everything to me. But Curran was also a manipulator. If I sat there and objectively looked at the situation, the picture didn't look pretty. Roland had marked the Pack for elimination. Curran had grown too powerful, and my father wanted to destroy him now, before the Pack grew any stronger. He had attacked it with rakshasas, and when that failed, he sent my aunt to decimate the shapeshifters. One way or the other, the clash between Roland and the Pack was coming. What did Curran have to lose by mating with me?
I wanted him so much that I'd never considered he might want to use me. All this time I'd been focused on worrying that my ancestry would keep him from being with me. It'd never crossed my mind that he could view it as an asset. It was time to take the blinders off.
When I looked into his eyes, I knew he loved me. He came for me when I had given up all hope of surviving. He rescued me from a horde of demons. He wanted to protect me. He never actually said it, but it felt like he loved me.
Also, Voron was a great father, and my mother was a saint. And pink unicorns would fly around on rainbow wings over hills made of chocolate and rivers of honey.
I pushed away from the table. I was driving myself crazy. This brooding wasn't me.
The door creaked. Probably Andrea and Derek. Good; if I sat here with my own thoughts for another minute, I'd need a straitjacket.
