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"Oh honey, it's so good to see you. I've missed you so much."
"I've missed you, too." Ashley tried to get a grip as she wiped her eyes with her fingertips. "I don't know why I waited this long to come see you."
"You needed time."
Her mother had always been like that, she suddenly realized. So forgiving. So accepting. Ashley was the one who had been unwilling to accept or forgive. She'd been so angry with her mother for leaving her and her father that she had never really appreciated just how hard her mother had tried to stay in the marriage for fifteen years.
"Miami is such a great fit for you," she said as her mother led her inside the bright, colorful home near the water. "It was the first thing I thought this morning when we got to the beach. How much you belong here."
"I do love it here. But not more than I love you, Ashley. I know you've said in the past that you didn't need me to come back to California, but if you've change your mind--"
"No!" Ashley's mother's eyes widened at the force of her response, and she realized she needed to be more clear. "Of course I want you close by, but Palo Alto never worked for you. I see that now. You need to live where you're happy." She took a good look at her mother and felt as though she was really seeing her for the first time. "You're glowing. Not just your skin, but all of you. I'm glad you're happy here, Mom."
"But are you happy, honey?"
"Sometimes it's like I've never been happier in my whole life. But then, other times, I'm just scared."
Her mother squeezed her hands. "Oh honey, are you in love?"
In that moment, it was as though a dam burst. "He's a rock star. A really famous one. I don't know what I was thinking, but I couldn't resist him. I've been in love with his music forever. So maybe that's where it all started, but when I finally met him, our connection was--" She made a crackling sound and waggled her fingers in the air to mime static electricity. "Instant. Amazing. We ended up sharing so many things with each other, all the things we haven't been able to tell anyone else, like how much it hurt him when his mom passed away and how difficult it was for me when you and Dad split up. We connect so deeply over music, too. And then he kissed me, and it was amazing so I told him I wanted to be with him. But he had promised Dad that he'd keep me safe." She put the words in air quotes. "So he thought he needed to do the right thing by keeping his distance from me. Only, neither of us could do it, and we couldn't keep from sleeping with each other. And even though I had no experience, he made it so wonderful. More wonderful than I ever thought it could be. But now he wants to tell everyone about us, especially Dad, and I just don't think--"
She had been pacing in front of her mother's picture window, but she suddenly stopped short as her words ricocheted back through her ears. "Oh my God, I just told you that Drew and I have been having sex."
Though her mother did look worried, she smiled and said, "I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to talk to me, Ashley. About anything at all. You know I'll never judge you."
And it was true--even when her mother had offered to take her shopping or to the makeup counter as a teenager, as soon as Ashley had made it clear that she wasn't interested, her mother had let her be herself.
Ashley suddenly realized that was why she'd been drawn to her mother's house--because she must have known her mom would listen the way she used to when she was a little girl and she needed to talk to someone about the playground drama at school. But it had been a long time since Ashley had given her mother a chance to listen, or to help. Ever since things had gotten really bad in her parents' marriage, it had seemed easier to just shut down and try to block it all out with work. And studying. And, most of all, Drew's songs.
"Now," her mother said, "if we could back up for just a second--his name is Drew?"
"Morrison."
Her mother's eyes widened. "I just saw an interview with him on the news this morning. He's a very handsome young man."
"I know. Which is one of the reasons it's crazy that he thinks he's in love with me."
"Oh honey." Her mother pulled her into her arms again. "That's so wonderful. The two of you are in love."
"He told me he loved me last night, but I didn't say it back. I couldn't, not when I should know better."
"Know better?" Her mother pulled back and frowned at her. "Is this something your father said to you?"
"No. Like I said, he doesn't know about me and Drew. Before he was a big rock star, Drew was one of his students at Stanford, and when Dad connected us so that I could go on tour to learn more about the music business, Dad basically told Drew to make sure I came home as pure as I was when I left. But I'm not. Not anymore."
"Of course you are, Ashley. Just because you're having sex doesn't mean your heart isn't as pure as it has always been. I know your father wants you to stay his little girl forever, but he's just going to have to accept that you're a woman now. A beautiful, incredible woman who has her own life to live. Even if that life may not be right there beside him at Stanford the way he's always wanted it to be. You're allowed to spread your wings, honey. And I'm not just saying these things because your father and I rarely saw eye to eye. I'm saying them because they're true."
"But even if they are," Ashley said, "things with Drew are still impossible. We're oil and water. Free and constrained. I'm a good girl and he's a wild boy. Maybe being with me is fun and different for now, but I'm sure he'll get tired of our differences soon."
"How can you even think any of that, Ashley?"
"Because it was just the way you and Dad got tired of each other. Don't you remember? Those were all the things you used to yell at each other."
"Oh God." Her mother sank into the nearest chair, her olive skin pale now. "All of this is my fault. I never meant for you to internalize all the horrible things I said to your father over the years. I know you can probably never forgive me--"
"You loved Dad. And he loved you. I know you did. But you still couldn't make it work. And that's why I should never have let myself fall for Drew. Because there's no way that our ending is going to be any different from yours."
"Ending? Why are you so sure there has to be one?"
"Because this is just a crazy break from reality. Of course it will end."
"I know I haven't always been able to say the right things," her mother said, "and I've also made so many mistakes that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forgive myself for them. But I've always loved you beyond everything else. And all I want is for you to be happy with yourself and your place in the world. And to trust in yourself and your strength."
"I'm not strong, Mom."
"Yes, you are. You are so much stronger than I am, worlds stronger than your father. You have always been the rock, the one who kept us from breaking apart for so long. That's why I finally had to make myself leave. Because it wasn't fair for you to always have to mediate between parents who couldn't figure out how to make their love work in practical terms."
"Drew and I don't work either."
"Are you sure about that? Because from everything you've said about him, it sounds like the two of you fit together beautifully. So what if he's on a stage and you're behind the scenes? It doesn't matter which side of the curtain the two of you are on for a couple of hours every night--it's where you are the rest of the time that matters. Standing together no matter what, through good times and bad."
Ashley was stunned by how much sense her mother was making. Because the truth was that she and Drew had always been incredibly compatible, even from that first night, when they'd caused a commotion at the airport while picking up her bags. They made each other laugh. They shared a deep love for music. And whenever they touched? There was no greater pleasure to be found in the world.
Just as her mom had said, though all the signs were pointing to them being a perfect fit, Ashley had been working overtime to focus on the reasons they weren't.
Because she was scared. Not only scared to give her heart to someone who was different from the person she'd a
lways assumed she'd fall for. But also because she was scared to embrace the part of her she'd kept stuffed down for so long. The secretly passionate and sensual and wild part she'd kept hidden away out of fear that it would destroy her.
"Can I be both those people? Can I be rational and wild? Analytical and creative?" Drew had told her he loved all sides of her, but she hadn't wanted to let herself believe him.
"Just be yourself, Ashley. Because if you're honest and loving and real, then everything will work out perfectly. I know it will."
"Thank you." She threw herself back into her mother's arms. "Thank you for being such a great mom. I'm sorry I didn't appreciate you more growing up."
"It wasn't your job to appreciate me or your father. It still isn't, even if I love hearing you say it. You don't have to make me any promises. You don't have to make your father any promises. Only to yourself--a promise to live every day to the fullest despite your fears. There's always something to be frightened of, honey. Just like there's always something to be excited and happy about. I know you're worried about things going wrong in the future, but if you ask me, the happiness and love you're feeling far outweigh that."
"You're right." Ashley blinked up at her mother, feeling as though she was seeing things clearly for the very first time. "I am happy. Happier than I even knew it was possible to be." She stood up. "I need to tell Drew. I need to tell him that I love him."
"Go." Her mother stood and hugged her again. "Go be young and in love. It's one of the most wonderful feelings in the world."
"Come with me. Come meet him."
"I'd love to, honey. But I think tonight needs to be about the two of you."
"He's playing two nights in Miami. I really want you to meet him before we leave, so can we plan on tomorrow?"
"I can't wait to meet Drew. He sounds like a wonderful man. Just the kind of man I've always wanted for you--one who sees just how special and precious you are. Now," her mother said as she wiped away her own tears, "we should probably call you a taxi."
But Drew wasn't the only one who needed to know how Ashley felt. "I love you, Mom."
And this time when her mother hugged Ashley and her tears fell, they were happy ones. Because Drew had helped her find more than happiness and love with him--he'd helped bring her closer to her mother.
