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In my heart I know she is my future. No, fuck that. She is the light to my darkness. Her spotlight shines through the night guiding me back to a place where I can see what is in front of me. When I am around her, touching or not, everything in me is alive, beating, and breathing. The moment she is not within my sight or in my arms, I feel like there is a hundred-pound elephant sitting on my chest. Everything is blurred with a lack of purpose. If it weren't for my parents and brothers, I don’t know where I would end up.
Bzzz. Speaking of. “Hi, mom.”
“Don’t “hi mom” me. Where have you been, Marq? I haven’t heard from you. Is everything okay?” I can't help but shake my head. The thing to know about my mom is that she is more than persistent. She can go on and on until she gets the answer she wants.
“I am fine, mom. Just been… otherwise occupied.” I answer trying to figure out how to appease her without giving away too much.
“I bet you have been. Ingrid informed me of your… current situation. Tell me...why haven’t you brought her to meet me yet?” Fucking Ingrid. She is so fired when I get back into work.
“It’s too soon mom. I don’t want to scare her off.” My mom can be a bit much and considering how long she has been waiting for my brothers and me to make her a grandma, I know she is going to be on Chrissy like a bee to honey.
“You know you can’t fool me, baby boy. I know you. I might not have birthed you, but I know you and your brothers. You boys are my heart. You four gave me a reason to live, Marq. But I also know YOU. You carry your birth father's demons so deep inside of you, my son. I know what you saw, baby boy. And I hate that you witnessed it. But how long are you going to let it hold you hostage inside your own head… and heart?” I drop my head, hearing everything she is saying and feeling it sink into me. I can hear the tears of the woman who took mercy on a haunted black boy with no future. She nurtured, loved, and let us know unequivocally that she would love us for the rest of our lives. Hearing the pain in her voice as she ingests mine is almost enough to break me.
“Do you know why, when I finally brought you four home, I gave you the choice to change your names?”
“No,” I answer honestly because I have always wondered but it didn’t matter enough to ask.
“I wanted to give you four the choice to become whoever you wanted to be. I wanted to offer you the chance to start over.”
“Wow.” Is all I can find in me to say. I never thought of it like that.
“When Kieran and I were on our way to pick you four up, I told him I wanted to somehow make the first part of your life seem like a nightmare you can now awake from. He kissed my hand and told me it was sweet, but impossible. I know it was a long shot, but you were going to be my boys. My sons. My new beginning. So, I decided then and there to give you four the choice.” She is still crying, and I would be less of a man if I didn’t admit I am on the verge myself. My birth mom always let me know she loved me and tried when she was allowed, to spend as much time with me as possible. But I was never under any misunderstanding, that my father would always come first.
“So, why royal names?” I ask her suddenly in need of more information.
“I spent my life in and out of emergency rooms. Tending to accident victims, victims of domestic violence, and children that were abused. The one thing they all had in common is that they wished they could be someone else. So, when I presented the option to you and your brothers, I wanted you to choose from strong names. I wanted you to feel important, powerful, and like you could be anything you want with nothing holding you back. What better way than for you to have royal names.” There is now a smile in her voice. I sigh, relieved to hear the change of emotion in her voice. I find myself smiling as well. Then a thought occurs to me.
“Have we ever thanked you and dad for everything? I mean, really thanked you. I don’t know where I would be if you hadn’t come for me...for us. I never felt...like I was someone until the day you came for us. You showed me I had options. A future. I would never have had that without you two. Thank you, mom. So much.” My voice cracks on the last part and I clear it trying to pull myself together.
