Page 87 of A Win-Win Situation
Of course, we’re friends.
That’s the only thing I am to him.
Lucas’s eyes try to find mine but I can’t allow myself to look at him right now. If I do, I’ll cry.
His voice is soft when he speaks, as if he’s afraid he’ll break me into pieces.
If only he knew how fragile I’m feeling at this second.
"Let’s get you to bed."
He picks up the duvet and helps me get in. I quickly turn my back to him, my tears ready to spill.
"I’m sorry, I-I shouldn’t have . . ." I try to say but he presses a gentle kiss to my temple, stopping me from speaking any more.
"You have nothing to be sorry for. We can talk tomorrow. Get some sleep,Ya Amar."
I break.
The tears fall and there’s nothing I can do to stop them.
Nothing.
It’s as if the dam I built to hold them back has burst, and now I'm left exposed and defenseless. Lucas's kind and understanding words only make me feel worse. I feel like a complete fool for letting myself believe there could be something more between us.
Lucas moves away, and I think he’s about to leave, but he hesitates. I need him to leave, to let me cry in peace.
"Please, leave," I plead.
With a heavy breath, he finally exits our bedroom.
I'm left alone and the weight of my own foolishness crashes down on me as I replay every interaction we've ever had, analyzing them for signs that I must have misread.
But the truth is, deep down, I knew. I knew that our arrangement was strictly for show, that we were supposed to act in public and be friends in private—that was the agreement. No touching in private was my condition,my damned rule. And yet, in my desperation and longing, I let myself believe that there was a chance for something between us. Something more than my lust.
I’ve been fooling myself this whole time, because right this second, it’s not only my ego that’s bruised. There’s pain in parts of my heart too.
Am I starting to fall for him?
The realization makes me cry even harder. I cry and cry, my tears staining the pillow beneath me. I feel so unwanted and so naïve.
How am I going to face him tomorrow? How can I look him in the eyes without feeling the burning sting of humiliation? How can I pretend that everything is okay when I feel so broken?
I wish I could rewind time and undo this mess I've made. But I know I can't.
I’m not talking about this tomorrow. We made a deal, and I will fulfill it, but I’ll keep my distance. I’m not allowing myself to fall any further.
THIRTY-ONE
LUCAS
Ididn't sleep for a single second last night. After I left her alone in our room, I went to sleep in the living room. The look on her face is still etched into my mind, haunting me relentlessly. The pain and tenderness in her eyes cut through me like a knife. I never wanted to see her hurt, especially not because of me.
Last night was a rollercoaster of emotions. Her intoxication was evident, and a part of me wanted to give in to the desires that were swirling within me. I want her. Every fiber of my being is screaming for her. Since I got my first taste of her, there’s been nothing else but her.
But yesterday I couldn't take action—I couldn't take advantage of her vulnerable state, no matter how much I wanted to.
I couldn't let it happen, not like that.
