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I nod. “Of course.”
After that, they outline what they’re looking for in an au pair. They don’t expect me to be at their beck and call, and more importantly, I wouldn’t be viewed as the help. They want me to feel like I’m part of the family. I’d only work on the weekdays, and I’d get plenty of time off to travel. Diego will begin his position as a professor at the University of Barcelona in two weeks, so he’s flying out in a few days. Nicolás and the girls will join him soon after.
“Obviously we’d like you to come with us if you accept the position. It might be nice to have another adult to make the trip overseas more bearable,” Nicolás admits.
“Right. Of course.” I smile and nod, trying to ignore how wrong this all feels. It’s one thing to talk about leaving, but now that I have a real job lined up, I’m not sure I should take it.
The next day they arrange a meeting to introduce me to Olive and Luciana, and I try hard not to like them. If they were two snotty teenagers, I’d turn down the job in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, they’re both adorable and well mannered. Olive is older, nearly twelve, and Luciana is nine. Because Diego and Nicolás don’t keep televisions in the house, they both tell me their favorite hobby is reading—READING—not to mention, Olive pulls out a tube of strawberry Lip Smacker and NOT a Kylie Lip Kit like every other tween in the continental United States. Their innocence is infectious, and I know I’d enjoy teaching them.
The girls apparently give me the thumbs up because the next day, Diego calls to formally offer me the position. I let his call go to voicemail so I don’t have to give an answer on the spot, though I know they need to hear from me in a day or two so they’ll have enough time to scramble and find someone else. I don’t want to put them in that position, but I also want to postpone the decision in front of me: move to Spain and leave James for good, or stay at the cost of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
This position with Diego and Nicolás is what I’ve been holding out for these last few months, and the fact that I’m wavering about it only makes me hate myself more.
The problem I have with life-changing decisions is my imagination. I’m way too adept at projecting out all the different timelines, imagining the many lives I stand to unlock and the ones I’m leaving behind forever. When you’re young, life stretches out in front of you like a train track. Grade school, high school, college—every new stage is designed to feel like some pre-ordained leveling up, but then suddenly you’re thrust into the Grand Central Station of your mid-twenties with just enough pocket change to buy a one-way ticket. There are no maps with warnings of heartbreak ahead, no guideposts to direct you on the path to happiness, just a churning sea of doubt, and with enough time, regret.
Not two weeks ago, I was in Vegas with James, sick to my stomach over how fast things were progressing with us. I wanted an out and I got it, and now that I have the potential to leave Twin Oaks and start my dream job in Europe, I should be ecstatic.
But I’m not.
My indecisiveness is so frustrating that I sit in my room staring down at a coin, debating whether or not I should just flip it and let fate decide my next step. Heads, I stay. Tails, I leave. At least that way I will have something else to blame for any ill that comes of it. Then I think about James, and how I would feel if I knew he was letting a coin decide whether or not he wanted to be with me. I toss the coin aside quickly, embarrassed that I even came close to using it.
Even though I’m still debating what I’m going to do, I decide to submit my two weeks notice at Twin Oaks. Whether or not I’m leaving for Spain, I can’t stomach working there another day. Brian doesn’t even feign surprise.
“I heard what happened the other day in the dining room,” he says, reclining in his chair.
He’s referring to when I spilled green sludge all over myself in front of James and Lacy.
I glance down. “Yeah, sorry I left before my shift. I wasn’t really in the right state of mind.”
“Our chef demanded that I fire you.”
I glance back up and smile when I see the amusement on his face. “Guess I’m saving you the trouble.”
He nods with a small, sad smile. “It’ll make my life easier.”
Later that night, I join Ellie, Martha, and my dad for dinner and decide to broach the subject of my potential move. Ellie already knows about it (she’s furious), but I fill my dad in over the first course.
