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I expect that to be the end of it, but he continues.
“The divorce took a long time. A lot longer than I thought it would. And the custody battle was just awful. Bailey was the perfect baby, thank god. We both so badly wanted to keep taking care of her, just not together. Eventually, Angie met someone else and decided to move out of state to be with him, and that pretty much put an end to it because the new relationship took first priority. I became the parent with primary custody, and Bails and I have been two peas in a pod ever since.”
I smile at that. Bailey and her dad have always been close; it’s always been clear how much they love each other. I bite into another piece of bruschetta, but a bitter taste has entered my mouth. I can’t help but wonder again if Bailey will approve of Rick’s and my new relationship. I may be her best friend, but there’s no way she would choose me over her own father if something went wrong.
“That sounds really hard,” I say, shaking myself from my dark thoughts. “Divorce honestly sounds awful. I can’t imagine loving someone so much and then feeling that love fade away. What is it they say? Falling in love is absolutely wonderful, but falling out of love is horrifically painful? Something like that?”
He turns to me and takes both my hands over the counter, kissing each palm in turn.
“Never get divorced,” he says, looking at me seriously. “It’s not worth the trauma.” He sighs, turning his attention back to the pasta, which I note with anticipation, is almost ready. “And I am worried about what it did to Bailey.”
“Bailey?” I ask with surprise. “There’s nothing wrong with Bailey. She’s perfect. She’s never said anything awful about the divorce, so I don’t think you have anything to worry about there.”
I help him set the table, carrying over our wine glasses, and give him an appreciative kiss on the cheek when he sets down the gorgeous platter of pasta. We choose places across from each other and he ladles some pasta onto my plate. I generously douse it with freshly cracked black pepper and dig in.
We eat in comfortable silence for a while, smiling at each other over our plates. I love this time spent with him, and I adore the fact that even if we have nothing to say, we’re able to simply enjoy the other’s presence. As I eat the remaining pieces of bacon off my plate, though, I realize that a hard knot has tightened in my chest. Something is bothering me, and I need to ask an important question, as well mentally prepare myself for his response.
“Do you think you’d ever want to get married again?” I ask. My heart rushes, and I tell it to calm down. Rick and I just started dating, and it’s all under the radar too. No one even knows, so we’re nowhere near getting married. Still, my fingers tighten on the wine glass and the air grows short in my chest.
Rick looks thoughtful. He takes another sip of wine and eats another forkful of pasta. I push a lone pea around my plate with my fork, not so patiently awaiting his response. Our relationship is so new that I hope the question doesn’t rattle him or catch him too off guard. I’ve just always known, deep down, that I want to be a wife someday, and I also know that Rick would make a great husband. I suspect we’d be an amazing team, but what if doesn’t want to tie the knot again? What if the divorce scarred him, and that’s out of the question?
Finally, Rick meets my questioning gaze.
“I’m not sure,” he admits, and I feel myself deflate, just a little. I can tell he’s being genuine and speaking from the heart, but the answer is still disappointing.
“Being married and divorced were two awful events,” he continues, setting down his fork. “Nothing seemed to go right in either situation, no matter how hard I tried--and I tried really fucking hard. I am not sure that I’d ever want to go through that again. I definitely wouldn’t want to have another child and risk putting them through that, too.” He runs a hand through his thick hair, so the strands stand up a bit. “I trust you when you say that Bailey seems fine, but I still worry that she has some scars from the divorce.”
The ache in my chest persists, and I rub absently at my collarbone, trying to ease the pain. As much as I’ve always wanted to be a wife, I’ve also envisioned myself many times as a mother. My own parents, who are still together, did a great job raising my younger brother and myself, and my mom is a shining example of motherhood. Someday, I want to apply the lessons she’s taught me to raising my own children. But if Rick doesn’t want to have any more children, or to get married again… well, that doesn’t bode well for our future together, because where does it leave me?
