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“Raiden…” The sound of my name on Zoe’s lips slays me all over. Is she really here, or did I eat something funky for lunch, and now I’m hallucinating?
“Zoe…” I can only breathe out an echo of her name.
“I wanted to tell you I’ve done some thinking. I mean, a lot of thinking. All I’ve done is think.”
“Me too,” I splutter.
Zoe keeps a perfectly straight face. If she’s done some thinking, what does it mean? I wish I could ask her, but my tongue won’t work. I wish she would just tell me before I die here, right in my office. That would create a lot of chaos for the people who work here, so I’d rather not, just to save them all the trouble of having to carry my lifeless ass out of here. I imagine the headlines and therapy bills after would both be huge, and it’s not the way I’d like to go out, so I manage to regulate my breathing enough to slow down the rapid-fire pounding of my heart.
“I’ve changed my mind.”
“You what?” I gasp. That statement was said way too flatly and just like that. It’s so anti-climactic that I don’t think I heard her correctly. Maybe she’s not talking about us. Maybe she’s talking about the job. Yes, she’s definitely talking about her job. She probably came here to ask me for it back. This isn’t about us at all.
“I changed my mind.”
“About…?”
“About us.”
I nearly leap out of my chair for a second time. It’s too soon to get up on my desk and do a happy dance, so I force my ass to stay glued to the seat, for now. Somehow, my tongue miraculously forms words.
“Uh, you…uh…you did…?”
“Yes. I’m sorry I panicked. I kept thinking and thinking and going over it. Maybe those three things were signs, but maybe they weren’t. I don’t know. I stopped thinking about that and started thinking about my dad—about our parents and all the relationships I’ve seen. I wanted to tell myself they never work, but I realized doing that was just copping out in the biggest, most asshole way ever. I don’t want to think of myself as a coward, and I don’t want to be so afraid that all that fear keeps me from making decisions. Or forces me to. I guess I’m trying to say I don’t want to be ruled by it.”
“A–alright.”
Zoe nods matter-of-factly. “You were right. We’re not our parents, and we’re not those people. You’re Raiden, and I’m Zoe.”
“I…I realize that.”
“A long time ago, Raiden and Zoe were best friends. We were amazing together. We rocked and kicked some serious butt. We did everything together. And then we weren’t. There was this huge chunk of my life that I did without you, and then suddenly, you were back, and it was kind of like we just fell back into being amazing together because we couldn’t not be, even if it was different because we were now adults.”
“This sounds like a good story, I think.”
“It was a good story, even though I tried to hate it. I tried to make you the bad guy in it. I tried to…god. I don’t know what I was trying to do. Well, it didn’t work, whatever it was. I guess maybe I was trying to hate you and blame you for a lot of things, but that didn’t happen either. It couldn’t happen because you’re Raiden, and I could never hate you.”
“That’s a good thing.”
“You were good enough and patient enough and kind enough to let me go. You gave me the time I needed, and you said you’d be here if I changed my mind. So, I’m saying I changed it. But are you still here?”
“I…I am. Sitting right here.”
“I know you are. But are you really?”
“I think so.”
“I mean, are you still…do you still want to…to give this a shot? Even if it turns out badly? Even if we end up hating each other? Although I don’t think I could ever hate you. Even if I didn’t like you sometimes, I still think that deep down, I’d always know you’re supposed to be it. You’ve wrecked me, and I can’t even hate you for that. I thought I’d be fine. That the rabies or whatever it was would just up and eff off, but it hasn’t. I still feel rabid, and I still can’t hate you for that. I…I don’t know. Maybe this is going to be a mess, and maybe I’ll end up going and getting the tattoo removed for real. Maybe—”
“Or maybe it will be awesome.”
“Yeah,” Zoe whispers after a long pause. “Maybe it will be. If we both try.”
“I’d try. I’d try until…until I’m blue in the balls. Wait, I mean face.”
“Jesus.”
“And the money? You did say some pretty harsh things about me that aren’t true. We’ve both had relationships in the past, been used, hurt, all of it, and we’ve also had things not work out. I think that should teach us and help us realize what we want, how to find it, hold onto it, and fight for it, not how to give up.”
