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I rest my hand on the wall and close my eyes, breathing in a shaky breath. Please don’t, Becker. But if he has no faith in himself, how can I have faith in him?
‘I’ve already told her too much,’ he goes on, his words pained. ‘I keep telling myself to keep my mouth shut, yet when I’m with her shit flies out without any thought for the consequences.’ There’s silence, and then he laughs. ‘Instinct? No, Paula. I’d call it stupidity.’
I flinch and swallow, silently begging myself to leave. Go. Before I hear any more words that will fracture my heart.
More silence. And then more brutal truths. ‘I’m not falling in love with her.’ Another laugh, though this time it’s half-hearted. Pathetic. Every reason for my anxiousness is there. And now I’m even more panicked. Because if he feels like I do, he will never admit it. Because love is an obstruction to him. A bind he’ll never want or need.
I put one foot in front of the other, my legs shaky, and my throat shrinking each time I swallow down my emotion. I reach for my key card with trembling hands as I approach the door to the Grand Hall and then freeze. A familiar electricity crackles in the air around me. He’s near. I can sense him. That’s how connected I feel to him. That’s how much trouble I’m in.
I hear his office door close. ‘Where are you going?’ He sounds anxious.
My heart is suddenly lead, weighing me down. I turn to face him. He looks the most uncertain I’ve ever seen him, and I know it’s because he knows I heard him. ‘Just to see Lucy.’
‘Without telling me?’
I bite down on my lip, glancing away, looking as guilty as I am. Too long passes with no words, and I eventually risk a peek at him. The nostrils of his perfect nose flare, his shoulders rising and falling from his heavy breaths.
‘You heard me,’ he says, taking one step forward, like he’s preparing to chase me down when I bolt.
I shake my head, not willing to admit what he knows. ‘Heard what?’
Becker eyes me doubtfully. ‘What’s wrong?’
I love you, and you will never let yourself love me. ‘Nothing,’ I say quietly, furiously ignoring the part of me that’s demanding I confess my feelings. His pathetic warning not to fall in love with him is horseshit. He must know that.
His Adam’s apple protrudes on a harsh swallow, the muscles in his jaw ticking as he continues to move forward. ‘You’re lying.’ He reaches me, encroaching on my much-needed personal space. ‘You’re not fine.’
I don’t mean to, but I find myself stepping back, away from him.
He ignores my attempt to escape him and carries on coming at me, and I continue to reverse my steps until my back is pinned against the wall and I have no more retreating space. I’m shaking, my despair taking a firmer hold now that he’s before me, and he hasn’t missed it. My bag and phone drop from my lifeless hands and hit the floor with collective thuds. He’s looming over me, looking threatening and subservient all at once. His body screams power. But his eyes are flooded with weakness. I’m the source of that weakness, I know that beyond a doubt, and I’m fast figuring out that it scares him. I scare him.
Resting flat palms on the wall behind me, he leans in, scanning my face. He has a habit of doing this. Trapping me. I close my eyes, attempting to shut off my other senses.
His fingertip meets my arm and trails up my skin, on to my shoulder, and then my neck. It leaves a path of flames in its wake. The cool blood in my veins explodes into dangerous flames. And my heart explodes into hopeless shards of love.
I plant my hands on his chest and gather every scrap of strength to push him away. He jolts, but that’s about it. A second later, my wrists are seized and pinned against the wall behind me. ‘Becker, stop, please. Leave me alone.’
His face comes down to mine, close as can be without touching, his breaths forced into a steady pace. ‘You look me in the eye and say that again,’ he orders softly. ‘If you truly want that, you’ll look me in the eye and say it.’ My cheeks are grabbed and my face directed to his. He’s forceful but gentle with me. I’m made to confront profound magnificence. My eyes brim with tears, my stomach flutters with butterflies, and my skin tingles with need. His hazel eyes are the darkest I’ve ever seen them. ‘Tell me.’
The words collect on my tongue but refuse to leave my mouth.
‘Tell me to leave you alone, Eleanor. Tell me to fuck off and never bother you again. Tell me you don’t want my body over yours. Our skin touching, our mouths touching, our fucking souls touching. Say it,’ he whispers.
