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He casts his smile my way. ‘It’s all yours,’ he says, knowing what I’m thinking. I’ll be back as soon as I can with my paints and a blank canvas.
Alex appears loaded down with wood, ropes, and a toolbox. ‘I’m back!’
‘You measure the rope. We’re using that branch.’ Ryan points up and Alex nods her confirmation. ‘I’ll drill the holes in the seat.’
‘Can’t I do the drilling?’ she asks, totally put out.
‘Does it look like I’ll shimmy up that tree, Cabbage?’
I laugh and wander the few paces to dry land, lowering to my backside and settling in. Watching them together is beyond joyous, their banter, their playfulness, their obvious adoration for each other. Ryan’s way with his daughter is so endearing, how he guides and instructs her, always patient. He never tries to take over a task, even though it would probably be done in half the time if he did. He’s got all the time in the world for her. And she him. I don’t think she’ll ever not need him; he doesn’t have to worry about that. Their bond is too strong. Unbreakable. And studying them here, lost in something they love doing together, I wonder for the first time with any kind of positivity if I’ll ever get the chance to be a mum and have this kind of incredible relationship. Or has my chance passed me by?
‘It’s not level,’ Alex yells from her position, hanging like a sloth from the branch they’re fixing the swing to.
‘It is.’ Ryan places a metal spirit level on the seat of the swing. ‘Perfectly level. Now get down from there.’
Instead of shimmying her way down, Alex releases her legs and dangles, and I hold my breath as she lets go and falls, landing precisely and steadily on her feet. Fearless. I’m in awe of her. I can’t imagine living my life so unafraid of anything. I’d love to try, and as I look across to Ryan, I wonder again if this is my chance. My chance to be who I really am, without the mental baggage, and, most important, be that person fearlessly. Am I capable of that?
‘Hannah,’ Ryan calls, snapping me out of my silent pondering. He jerks his head as he holds on to one of the ropes, sweeping an arm out to the wooden seat. ‘You can be the first to test it.’
Me? I haven’t been on a swing since I was a teenager. It was with Pippa. She was seventeen, I was fifteen. She sneaked a bottle of Dad’s whiskey out of his drinks cabinet and we went to the park and had a few sips. It was only a few sips, but it was enough to make us woozy. And Pippa thought it would be funny to push me on the swing until I threw up. I smile at the memory. Dad went loopy when we got home. Mum shook her head in dismay. And Pippa and I struggled to hold back our drunken laughs while Dad gave us a royal telling-off. Pippa and I couldn’t touch whiskey after that. The mere smell made us heave. Still does.
Eager, I push myself up from my backside and make my way over to them. ‘Is it safe?’
Giving the rope a good yank, Ryan demonstrates its sturdiness. Then he lifts me from my feet and places me on the seat neatly. ‘Comfy?’ he asks, guiding my hands to the ropes on either side of me. I nod, smiling like crazy as Ryan take my ankles and starts walking back.
‘Hold tight!’ Alex yells, running around the back of me. ‘Real high, Dad.’
Ryan grins, and I hold my breath as he continues back as far as he can go with my ankles in his warm grasp. ‘Ready?’ He stops, holding me in position.
‘For anything,’ I reply on instinct, our gazes locked, my eyes telling him that I trust him. I’m sure he reads my hidden meaning, because his smile fades and he nods the tiniest bit. Then he pulls me back even more and puts weight behind his push, launching me into the air on a shout.
I hold my breath and close my eyes as I sail into the air, relishing a new sense of total abandon as I swing back and forth. The wind is loud, speeding past me, my hair and clothes flailing wildly. It feels purifying, like the web of deceit that has been spun around me over the years and kept me contained is being ripped away by something more powerful than the secrets and lies that have controlled me. It’s not the wind that’s the force behind my cleansing. It’s happiness. It’s here, it’s now.
It’s Ryan.
I throw my head back and open my eyes, looking up into the dusky sky. The clouds are rolling, the sky now darkening. I want this sense of overwhelming freedom to be with me for ever, to feel this wild, this fearless, and this happy.
