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30NolaI kept replaying the interaction with Ally in my mind and the way it had felt when Jack slid his arm around my waist over and over. I wasn’t sure why I liked to torture myself with sad thoughts, but I wished I could sit my parents down and tell them all about Jack. I’d tell them how I’d felt lost ever since the accident and he was the first thing that had made me feel like I had solid ground to stand on.
I was waiting in the car while Griff ran back inside for the fifth time to grab some obscure toy he had forgotten.
I sat there behind the wheel asking myself over and over why I couldn’t just give up on Florida. I knew my parents. I knew they would’ve told me to. They would’ve said not to be ridiculous. That my own happiness was what mattered most, not some grand gesture to honor their memory.
Except I wanted it too.
I wanted to feel connected to them again. Going to Florida and renting out that building—which was still available, I’d checked just that morning—would be bringing them back, even if it was only a little. Every time I showed up to the restaurant and worked, I’d be able to close my eyes and imagine them there. I’d be able to hear the ghost of their laughter just around the corner and pretend they were only out of sight, not out of this world.
Letting go of Florida would be like letting them go.
When Griff got back in the car, he gave me a funny look. “Why are you crying?”
“I’m not crying.”
He squinted, then in a very un-Griff-like move, he appeared to decide not to push the issue. “Are you and Jack going to get married?”
“What?” I asked. “Why would you ask that?”
“I saw him looking at your butt the other day. For a long time.”
I cleared my throat. “Maybe you just imagined that.”
“No. Don’t think so.”
“Grownup men like to look at grownup women sometimes. It doesn’t mean they are going to get married.”
“But are you?”
“No!” I said, raising my voice and turning toward him. “Jack is a very nice man, and he’s my boss. It would be inappropriate to marry him.”
Griff chewed that over. “But you didn’t say you don’t want to.”
“Okay?”
Griff said hmm in an obnoxiously sassy way, as if he thought he’d proven something.
“Besides,” I muttered, starting the car and resuming our drive. “It’s not like every time two grownups like each other, they get married. Sometimes things are more complicated than that.”
“So you like him?”
“Of course I do. He’s a very nice man.”
“And you look at his butt, too.”
“Griff!” I said, gripping the wheel. “Do I need to take away that tablet Mr. Kerrigan got you? Have you been watching stuff you’re not supposed to?”
“No, but you have,” he said with a shrug. “Butts,” he added with a whisper.Ben and Griff had built themselves a little blanket fort from chairs and the ottoman on the carpet. It meant Jack and I didn’t need to hide the fact that my head was on his shoulder and his arm was around me while we watched Home Alone, which was apparently Ben’s favorite movie. Jack said one of his sketchbooks held an entire battle plan for the inevitable day that bad guys tried to break into his house. Griff had found this concept fascinating and I was fairly sure the lowered voices in the tent meant both of them were doing more scheming than actual movie watching.
For my part, I was doing way more soaking up the moment than paying attention, too.
Jack felt like a fleeting thing. Like stepping out to get the mail in the evening and noticing the sky was some gorgeous shade of pink and orange. It made you want to look because you knew it was so temporary. It made you wish you could hold on because you knew you couldn’t. It was beautiful, but bitter because it wasn’t the sort of thing that could last.
The more I moved through life, the more I started to wonder if that was the real recipe of it all. Good things couldn’t last. The best things hurt the most when they were gone. All we could do was keep walking forward and hope there would be another sunset or another glimpse at happiness, because lasting happiness felt more and more like an illusion.
Jack tapped his thumb on my shoulder, getting my attention. “You look sad,” he said quietly.
I smiled, shaking my head. “No. I’m okay. I mean, I was just thinking how nice this is. I guess you don’t realize how much you miss this kind of thing until you get it back.”
He pulled me in a little tighter. “You should come with me to Florida. I’ve got a three-game series this weekend. Maybe you could bring the kids to the game.”
