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I felt emboldened, though. He was happy to see me. Even with excitement flooding through me, waves of shame roiled just beneath it. Why did I care so much what he thought of me? Why did I want everyone to be wrong so badly?
I didn’t have time to think, because someone shouted, “Swim!”
I didn’t give myself a countdown or try to go in slowly. I rushed into the water, feeling the frigid cold bite into me. I dove forward, letting it engulf me until all the air was forced out of my lungs.
I thrashed uselessly, feeling like my body was an anchor and I’d forgotten how to swim.
My brain shut down, filling my head with nothing but a black void.
The only thing was struggle. Paddling. Clawing at the water like my life depended on it.
In a way, it did.
Little by little, I got some of my senses back and started making progress toward the small island. I stole a quick glance to either side and didn’t see the other girls.
I was in front.
“Charli!” I heard a girl calling. Was that Zoe’s voice? I wasn’t sure, but I needed to focus on going forward. Winning.
A rush of exhilaration took me and propelled me forward. I pulled at the water, yanking myself forward inch by icy inch. Stupidly, I wondered if Cassian would feel any pride to see me winning.
It felt like I’d swam a mile by the time I reached the small island. I got shakily to my feet, shivering so hard I could hardly see straight. That was when I realized the entire party was gathered on the shore—including the girls who had been standing beside me in their underwear. Except they were all dressed now. Someone had turned on floodlights that were blasting the shore with so much light it might as well have been broad daylight there.
I saw Zoe then, standing by the water’s edge with my clothes in her hands and what I thought was a sad look on her face.
The life drained out of me. I was already beyond cold—colder than I’d ever been. But I still felt the frozen sensation in my stomach swirling around. Embarrassment, I could handle. I’d done stupid things and made an idiot of myself countless times. I’d watched as kids laughed about made up rumors over my scar. I’d listened to stories they told about me.
But nothing cut quite like knowing Cassian had orchestrated this. My Cassian.
I sucked in a shaky breath, then glanced around the lake. Trying to swim to any other patch of shore would be suicide. The nearest place to get out of the water and back to warmth was at least four times as far a swim as it’d be to just swim back to the party.
Toward that blinding light that was going to reveal every bump and imperfection on my nearly naked, wet body when I got out of the water. I knew there were little speckles of raised flesh on my thighs, stomach, and neck to match my forehead. I mentally braced myself for the moment when I’d feel all their eyes digging into every little secret horror my body held.
I plunged back in, swimming now with a completely different kind of conviction.
I was still going to win.
I was still going to prove myself to him.
I nearly stumbled when I got out of the water back on Cassian’s property. My legs didn’t feel like they were working quite right, and my body was shaking so violently I might have actually welcomed the cruel lick of flames on my skin again.
But when Zoe held out my clothes to me with a look of heartbreak on her face, I walked past her with as much dignity as I could.
I ignored the way the light glared from his house, casting the people at the top of the small hill into cruel, black smears.
I found him standing a little ways in front of the crowd and walked close enough that I was dripping on his shoes.
My voice was cut by shivers, but I didn’t care. “I didn’t want to believe what people said about you. So I came to see for myself.”
“Yeah?” Cassian sounded almost bored. If he was worried about how cold I was, he showed no sign of it, either. His eyes lingered on my forehead for a few beats too long, but I was too angry to care about his attention. “You thought you could come back here, and I’d suddenly want you to suck my cock? Is that it? Or that I’d throw a fucking parade?”
I glared. I wanted to say so much, but with how bad I was shivering, I knew I had to choose my words wisely. “What do you want with me?”
“To break you.” He said it so simply that it left no doubt he was serious.
