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“Want a milkshake?” I ask, raising my eyebrows at her.
“Oh, yes, please.” She nods
“Chocolate?” I guess.
“You mean there are other flavors?” she jokes with a laugh.
“And a coffee for you?” I say to Abbey.
“Cream, no sugar.” She nods.
I order our drinks and then lean against the counter to watch Allie. She laughs at something Abbey says and I feel a stab of jealously. It comes so easily for them. I hate that she’s so much more relaxed when I’m not around. I get why, but it still hurts to think that I’m her father and she’s not comfortable around me. I know that she’s known Abbey all her life and comparing myself to her is never going to end well, but I can’t get doubts out of my mind. My own daughter can barely say a sentence to me. What if that never changes?
What if we never have a real relationship? I wonder.
We take our drinks back outside. It’s warmer now the sun has come out. Allie feeds some birds her left over bread from breakfast, while Abbey and I talk. I keep my phone on, just in case Lewin needs me.
“How’s she doing?” I ask.
“She’s doing well, all things considered.” She glances at me. “You, on the other hand, look really nervous.”
“You think?” I shake my head. “Sorry, I’m just really tense. Not just about this, but about everything. Allie. Work…”
Laura.
“It must be really stressful, what you do,” she sympathizes.
I shrug. “It is, and it isn’t. A little boy I’ve been looking after got a new heart yesterday. He’s about Allie’s age.”
“Wow, that must’ve been scary for his mom,” she says with a frown.
“It was, but without it, his prognosis was very poor. It feels good to make a difference, you know?”
I watch Allie, a knot forming in my stomach. I felt so much for Ben. I couldn’t even imagine if it were Allie in that situation. I don’t know how Marissa handled it.
I turn to Abby. “What do you want out of this?”
“Pardon?” She stares at me, shocked by my question. “What do you mean?” she asks, frowning at me.
“I mean, why are you here? I know that you want what’s best for Allie, but on some level, you must be hoping for a particular outcome.” I pause for a second, because I’m not even sure what I’m getting at. “Do you want to leave her here with me? Take her back home? What do you want, Abbey?” I ask quietly.
“Leave her here…” Her voice trails off. She shakes her head, her eyes flashing with anger. “You think that’s what this is? You think I want to abandon my niece in a country she’s never been to, with a man she barely knows?”
“I’m sorry, but I don’t know what to think. I’m just… this is the first time I’ve ever had this kind of thing dropped on me,” I say.
I cringe when I think about what I just said to her. It came out completely not how I had intended it to. I hope she understands that I didn’t mean it like that.
“I want to do what’s right, but I can’t figure out what that is,” she says softly. “One thing I do know, is that rushing into anything is a bad idea. For the both of you. I’m not planning on leaving her here with you, if that’s what you think. I don’t know what the right thing is. Whether she eventually lives with you or whether she stays with me and my husband and you visit her every now… I don’t know. I just don’t know.”
I nod, because neither do I.
“I didn’t realize you were married,” I say after a while.
She smiles. “Yes, Sam and I are going on six years now. He’s why I moved to London. We’ve got a little girl. She’s two.”
“Allie must love that.” I grin.
“She does. I think Jessie has really helped her heal after her loss. The last few months have been hell on that poor kid.”
I watch Allie giggle as a duck chases her and smile.
“Hey, do you guys want to come to my place for dinner tonight?” I ask.
“Sure.” Abbey smiles. “That sounds great.”
“What’s her favorite meal?” I ask, nodding at Allie.
“Well, that’s an easy one. Spaghetti Bolognese.”
“I’m pretty sure I can manage that.” I chuckle.
#
I leave Allie and Abby in the park and head back over to the hospital. I try calling Laura on the way, but there’s no answer.
When I get back, the first thing I do is go to the ICU and sit with Ben for a while. He’s still in an induced coma to give his body the best chance at accepting the heart, but I hate the thought of him being alone in there, hooked up to all those machines. I sit there for nearly an hour and talk about random things that would mean nothing to anyone who isn’t an eight-year-old boy. I look up and see his mother standing there, smiling at me. I smile back, embarrassed that she caught me rambling to her son.
