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“How do you feel about that?” Laura asks.
I shrug. “Okay, I guess? I’m still processing everything. The guilt is amazing,” I admit.
“Why are you feeling guilty?” She frowns.
“Because I wasn’t there for her. I just feel like I should’ve known. She must have thought I’d abandoned her.”
“But it’s not your fault. How could you have known if Maya didn’t tell you?”
“I didn’t say it was rational.” I laugh.
“What matters is that you’re there for her now, right?”
I nod and swallow the lump in my throat, then tighten my grip around her hand. The only problem with that is how do I do that when we’re thousands of miles apart?
“You matter too,” I say gruffly.
“I’m not going to come between you and her,” she says.
I glare at her. “What does that mean? After the last few nights, I thought—”
“I’m not ending things with you, Luke. I’m just giving you the option of having an out, if you want it.”
“Well, I don’t. I love you,” I say.
I reach up and wipe the tears from her eyes, wishing I could also take the fear hiding in them.
“What if I can’t do this?” she whispers. “I don’t want to make things harder for you.”
“Then we deal with it. But right now? I can’t let you walk away from me. I won’t let you.”
She opens her mouth to respond, when her phone rings. She glances down, her expression changing.
“It’s Marina. She wants to see me.” Her eyes meet mine. “I better go.”
“Congratulations,” I say. I take the opportunity to lean over and kiss her while Allie is still mesmerized by the TV.
Laura shakes her head. “Don’t jinx me.”
“Call me and let me know, okay?”
She nods and breathes out.
“I will.”Chapter Sixteen
Laura“Thanks for coming in.”
I sit in Marina’s office my hands fidgeting in my lap. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so nervous in my life.
“I’ll start by saying congratulations.” She smiles at me from across the desk. “I’ve chosen you to participate in the research project with me.”
“Really?” I squeal. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. “Thank you so much.” I sit there dumbfounded, because this is so surreal. “I don’t know what to say,” I add.
“Then I’ll do the talking. Your essay is what got me. I asked you to convince me as to why you wanted this and stand yourself out. You did that. Your response was head and shoulders, above the rest. Even without factoring in what you’ve been through, everything you wrote resonated with me. That, combined with your outstanding college results is what sealed this for you.”
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“Don’t thank me, just prove me right.” She smiles at me. “I think that with the right support, you’ll be a leader in this field. I’m looking forward to seeing what you can achieve.”
She hands me a stack of information so thick, it makes my stomach flip.
“This looks overwhelming, but it’s really not. Most of it is just basic information on the project and what I expect from you. It also covers housing arrangements, things like that, and how this research will lead into your fellowship next year.”
“My fellowship?” I ask her. My eyes widen. She nods and looks at me strangely.
“That was mentioned at the meeting… which you didn’t attend,” she smiles. “The purpose of this research project was always to prepare the candidate for the fellowship within my department for next year. If you’re interested, of course.”
“Interested? Of course, I am,” I say. My voice shakes as I try to control my emotions. This is amazing. “Thank you. Thank you so much. You won’t regret choosing me, I promise.”
“I’m sure I won’t. You do need to understand this is going to be a lot of work for very little reward in the short term? It’s going to be very taxing on you and your life. Just make sure this level of commitment is what you want, before you agree to it.”
I nod and thank her again, before walking out. My heart races. I can’t believe this is happening. It’s what I’ve dreamed of my entire life.
It’s all I’ve ever wanted… isn’t it?
I walk through the park across the road from the hospital, clutching the information to my chest. I’m not sure what to do or how to feel. This is what I’ve worked so hard for. It’s everything. If I give this up, I’d never forgive myself. I shake my head, shocked that it’s even entered my head not to accept this. What the hell is wrong with me? But I know exactly what the problem is.
Or who the problem is.
Luke.
It’s only six months, but so much can happen in that time. We have enough to still work through without adding this into the mix. What if the pressure of a long-distance relationship is too much? I frown, my heart racing. Just the thought of leaving him makes me feel sick. If I leave and our relationship suffers, I’ll never forgive myself. But if I stay and miss out on this opportunity, I won’t forgive myself either. The cool breeze is like a slap in the face, reminding me that this is a huge, life changing decision.
