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April Fools’ Day.
Which also happens to be my birthday. Whatever just went through your mind about being unfortunate enough to have your birthday fall on April Fools’ Day, trust me, the reality is even worse.
Every year, my friends fight it out to see who can turn my birthday into the biggest joke. I’ve had every prank played on me that you can think of, because I’m the first person that people think of when it comes to April Fools’. Really, it doesn’t get any better than ruining someone’s birthday and nobody cares about the poor sucker who has to live through it.
Even teachers got in on the fun growing up. I had one tell me that my dad had been killed in a car accident on his way to pick me up. I was seven years old and it was my fucking birthday. She panicked when I went into shock and assured me she was joking, but the damage was done. My parents were furious, and the teacher later ended up being suspended, but fuck me, who does that? I’m pretty sure that was the beginning of the demise of my parent’s marriage, too.
As bad as everyone else was, it was Katie, and then Sasha who just didn’t know when to stop. They kept going, until no more pranks could fit into the day. Mostly it was silly things, like moving my car across the street or swapping my clothes after gym class in high school, to an identical outfit, but a size smaller—that was a mind fuck.
As I grew older, the jokes quickly got out of hand. Katie and Sasha started to get more elaborate with their pranks, sometimes spending months beforehand planning. Some of the shit they came up with made me wonder if they were really my friends, but I took everything they threw at me, right up until three years ago, when I snapped. I’d had enough, so I made them the deal.
If I could make them laugh, then that was it.
No more jokes that year, and future years they got to do only one joke between them. Nothing else. Sasha was very competitive, so I knew she’d bite, but I also knew the law student in her would try and argue the terms. She counter-offered one joke every year, but in return, I had to make them laugh.
“I’m sorry.” Katie giggles.
“If you were really sorry, you’d let me out of whatever torture you have planned for me,” I retort, brushing off her weak as shit apology. “I’ll get you back, you know that, right?”
I didn’t need it to be April first to pull a prank on them. I’ll do it whatever day I want.
I’m hardcore like that.
“I do know,” Katie retorts. “Because you’re crazy. One of your pranks equates to fifty of ours. Why do you think we make the most of it while we can?”
I smile. I guess she has a point … If there’s one thing I enjoyed and did extremely well, it was payback.
“Anyway,” I get to my feet, “I’m out of here. I have to be up early on Friday.”
“So? It’s only Thursday tomorrow,” Sasha points out.
“I know. I need a day to work myself up to getting up early,” I explain.
“Happy birthday for tomorrow,” Sasha calls out.
“I’ll text you the time for lunch,” Katie adds.
I smile and give them a half-assed wave over my shoulder, as I walk outside, ready to enjoy my last few hours as a twenty-two year old.Twenty-three.
God, I’m so old. I crack open my eyes and groan, then I close them again.
All I want to do is roll over and go back to sleep, but I know I can’t. It sucks that my birthday is the one day where I can’t sleep in. I stumble out of bed and throw on my robe, then I make my way downstairs, where I know Mom will be ready and waiting to make a big deal of today. I might act all embarrassed, but I secretly love the fuss she makes over me as much as she does. This is one benefit of living back at home. The last three birthdays didn’t have the same wow factor, because I lived by myself, so I missed the whole birthday morning fuss. And at least I don’t have to worry about Mom pulling any pranks on me. She knows I’ll get enough of that from my friends.
Mack, of course, is a different story.
Mack is one of my future stepbrothers. At age twelve, he’s the poster child for why nobody should try and negotiate their own divorce. After Jim and his ex-wife signed their divorce papers, five minutes of angry divorce sex on the table of Conference Room Three was all it took for Mack to be conceived. You have no idea how much he loves telling everyone that story.
