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“Fuck off, Topper. I’m always happy.”
“Yeah, you’re a barrel of laughs,” he mutters, and I flip him off.
“Just let it be. Cherry might have been a little different, but she ended the same. She left and it’s all water under the damn bridge now.”
“To be fair, man, there’s not a lot of women out there that would be okay with the fact you killed—”
“She was part of the club, Topper. It’s not like she didn’t know what happens.”
“True, but you had never sought vengeance on a woman before.”
“Jenna was a fucking bitch who deserved death. She crossed me, she crossed my club, but most of all, she endangered Tess and Maddie. Not to mention the fact she fucked up Maxwell’s life.”
“Still, have you told any of them that you ended Jenna?”
“Wasn’t their concern.”
“Right. So you expected Cherry to accept what you’re afraid your own family can’t.”
“Babs doesn’t have a problem with what you do for the club,” I mutter, scratching my beard.
“Babs is a special woman. She’s been in this life as long as I have, and knows that anyone in this life better not cross the wrong people. She doesn’t ask for details, but she would never condemn me either.”
“Fine. Let’s say you’re right. Toi is young and never been in this life. Do you see her accepting anything that a woman like Cherry couldn’t?” Topper doesn’t say anything, even though I wish he would—but he’d be lying and we both know it. “And there’s my answer asshole. So like I said, let it go. Nothing is changing who I am and who Toi is. Nothing is changing the fact that I’m way too fucking old for her, I live the life I’m in—one I happen to like. She would have to accept it and there’s no way that’s going to happen. If nothing else Cherry taught me that. It’s a no-win situation, any way you look at it.”
“You could…”
“Change? Fuck that shit. I am who I am and I’m not about to change now. Shit I don’t even want to.”
“I was going to say that you could lie to her. Keep the truth about what we do hidden.”
“Lies always have a way of floating to the top. You know that. It’s better this way,” I tell him and I wish I could believe my own words.
Nothing about letting Toi go feels right. I went around and around it in my head last night. Every answer ends up the same. She’s too young, inexperienced and sweet to touch. No matter how much I’m fucking dying to touch her. Shit. Last night I passed up sex with one of the club girls, only to end up coming in my hand to visions of Toi riding me and those fucking tits of hers bouncing as she used my cock hard and fast. Shit, even now I can see it in my head and my cock jerks in my pants.
I want her. I’m not sure I’ve ever wanted a woman more. Which means I’m screwed, because I can’t have her. I won’t allow myself to pull an innocent into my world. Even if being without her means I have the world’s worst case of blue balls.
“Zip it up,” I whisper as we start walking down toward the secret stairway that leads to the cellar. Sound echoes from here out and I don’t want Toi to know I’m following her. I already have men stationed around the area outside, but I couldn’t bring myself to let her go unguarded even through the passage.
Topper nods and we walk as quietly as we can toward the stairwell. I can hear Toi’s footsteps, hurried and erratic. I hate that she’s worried. I hate that she doesn’t trust me. Mostly I hate every fucking thing about this.
Every. Fucking. Thing.28ToiI’m close to a panic. I can admit it freely. My heart is beating so hard it wouldn’t surprise me if it’s not bruising my chest.
And guilt…
That’s something I wasn’t expecting. When Marcum came into the kids’ room, I was swamped with a feeling of guilt. It’s crazy and I shouldn’t feel like I’m letting him down, but it’s there. I’m even halfway convinced I saw hurt in his eyes. Which is crazy. Being this close to Marcum, being inside the club is coloring the way I view them. That’s the only sane explanation. I knew on the outside what the club was like. I heard firsthand of how they ran things, and what Marcum does when people lie to him, or cross the club. It was easy to live in fear of them then.
Now, I’ve seen how Marcum interacts with his children—even if he does have enough to field an entire football team. I’ve seen how his men are around the kids, and how they treat each other. Although it’s not anything I’ve ever experienced, I have imagined families and the closeness that I witness here at the Saints is definitely what I would call a family. From day one, they’ve treated me like one of them too, which is remarkable to me. Especially since every one of them knows I’m Weasel’s daughter. I expected the worst when Marcum brought me here and though I’ve not been here a long time—each day is better than the one before.
