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“I doubt anything can help me do that,” I tell him honestly.
“You never know until you try,” he responds and I nod in agreement, even if I’m pretty sure it won’t help at all. “I’ll leave you alone to talk with him.”
“He can’t hear me, Gavin.”
“Maybe he can. In any event, you can and that’s all that matters.”
I have no idea what he means by that. I just keep staring at Noah, wondering exactly what it is I even have to say to him. I close my eyes and allow myself to relive the memories I have of Noah and I. The good… the bad… and even the ugly. I’m so lost in them, I don’t hear the door close as Gavin leaves.
I’m too lost in the pain.23Rory“This is crazy,” I whisper, standing up to go to Noah’s bedside. I hate the machines around him. He looks so pale and unnatural hooked to them. Even his beautiful hair has lost it’s shine. Dragon said he had lost so much blood that his body had just shut down and went into a coma-like state to protect itself, but from where I’m standing… he looks gone already.
Feeling foolish, I turn to walk away. I get to the door, my hand on the knob when I stop. It doesn’t matter if Noah can hear me. If he could, he probably would have ordered me out of the room already. It’s like Gavin said, even if Noah can’t hear me and if this is my only chance then, I do have things I want him to know.
I walk back and stand by the bed. I awkwardly work around the medical monitors and equipment to hold Noah’s hand. It’s surprisingly warm and a little puffy. Dragon mentioned he’d been having his lungs cleaned out because of an onset of pneumonia.
“Noah…” I start, but then stop as I try to figure out exactly what I want to say. What I say next, isn’t what I planned. What I say would probably be the last thing he wants to talk about, but that’s what comes out. “I lost our baby,” I whisper and the tears hit me without me realizing they were anywhere close to the surface. They spring up and run down my face. They run silently, unless you were looking, or could tell by the shudder in the breath I take, you’d never know it. Still, they might be the most painful tears I’ve shed and since I’ve cried often—especially lately—that means something. “I know you didn’t think the baby was yours, but it was and even knowing you didn’t want our child… I did. I really did, Noah. I don’t know why I’m here. You probably hate me…. It sure seemed like you did and if you had found out King was my brother you would have hated me even more. I don’t think I could blame you for that. I hate that we share even a little bit of the same blood between us. Although, to be fair King is nothing like my mother. Even before my mother found joy with my stepfather, she wasn’t intentionally mean. She was just cold, distant and hurtful at times. She used to say that she lost herself in the vile darkness that was my father. That same vileness must have eaten away at anything else inside of King. When he was younger, he wasn’t like this. He was a happy little boy when he lived with us… at least I thought he was.”
I use the back of my hand to wipe my tears. I’m feeling more than a little self-conscious, maybe even stupid. I swallow hard as I try to get in control of my emotions. I’ve cried so many tears, I can’t continue crying them. Especially over a man who wouldn’t want them—a man who wouldn’t want me here.
“I… I’ve tried to keep Ryan safe. I’ll stay with him, until I’m sure your men can keep him safe or until I’ve made sure that King is no longer a threat. I know you never wanted me to, but I love him Noah. I think he’s the only thing that is keeping me going right now. I know you didn’t trust me, but I hope, if you can somehow hear me now, that you know I will die before I let King touch that little boy. I’ll kill him before he gets the chance. If your men can’t get to him, then I will and I’ll do it. You need to know that. I’ll make sure he’s safe. If that’s what you need to rest easy, then please know that I mean what I say. Ryan will never fall into that man’s hands.”
I sigh for a minute, a million other words coming to mind, but I can’t seem to say any of them. Instead I stare at Noah’s face. It’s almost painful to look at him. He was so vibrant, so intense and his dark eyes held mysteries that I couldn’t even begin to solve. It doesn’t seem like the man I fell in love with is even here—and maybe that’s the point.
