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“Don’t get this twisted up, Rory. This is why I’m telling you. I held others at bay because I was waiting for the one. You, I met after I had given up hope. You, I tried to keep at a distance because I knew—as fucked up as I was, I knew.”
“Knew what?” I ask him, my lips dry, my heart pounding.
“I knew that I gave up too soon. I let the past change me and I gave up my dream.”
“Noah…”
“Do you know how much that hurt, Rory? How much it burned, that I gave up on what I wanted most, took steps to make sure I never gave another woman my babies and then you showed up?”
“Noah… please, don’t…”
“I fucking gave up and I made sure I’d never have the one thing I always wanted and then I have you in my bed and you in my life and there I was Rory. Falling in love, even when I knew I shouldn’t, even when I knew what a fucker fate was and that I’d never be able to keep you. But I couldn’t stay away and then you hit me with the big one. The one thing I honestly believed wasn’t physically possible. You told me you were pregnant.”
“Noah,” I cry, not wanting to relive the past, not wanting to remember anything about the pain and as bad as it is to acknowledge… Right now, I don’t want to remember anything to do with my child that I lost… The piece of Noah that I will never get back and the piece of myself that I will mourn until the day that I die.
“I’m not saying this to hurt you, Rory. Swear to God, I’m not. But you need to know why I was the way I was. I gave up. I did the one thing I could to protect myself. I had a vasectomy and in doing that, I brought death to my dream. I never planned on you. I was sure you were just a dream I’d never hold. I didn’t think you truly existed, not after everything I had been through.”
My hands come up to hold his, to pull them away from my face. I need to leave. I need to get away. I don’t want to hear this. I just… can’t.
“I don’t want to hear this, Noah. Let me go,” I plead.
He doesn’t listen. Instead, he lays his forehead against mine.
“I was dealing with the fact that I had this woman in my bed, in my life, a woman who was even better than the old dreams I had… I was dealing with the fact that even though I had you, I could never give you my child. That I had killed my dream, that I had given up too fucking soon.”
“God, please stop,” I whisper brokenly, tears falling from my eyes, even though I try to stop them.
“And you tell me that I was wrong, that you are giving me everything. You were giving me my dreams, Rory, when I had just come to terms with the fact that I killed any chance of the life I wanted. When I was just coming to terms that I should just be grateful that Ryan was going to know your love. I had convinced myself that it was enough and you… blew it all to hell.”
“I didn’t lie. I’ve never lied to you! I loved you!” I scream the words at him and they feel like they’re torn from my soul. “I loved you,” I cry, the words so broken they sound tortured. Broken, because that’s what I am now… broken.
“And I love you, Rory. God, I’m a fucking asshole, but I love you and that love terrified me.”
“Are you done now?” I ask, taking gulping breaths in between sobs. I need to run away. I just need to run the fuck away.
“No, baby. When it comes to you, I’ll never be done. I’ll always keep trying, I don’t have a choice. Without you, nothing else matters, Rory.”
“Fine. I understand. I know why you treated me the way you did. I know why you rejected me. You’re forgiven. You can move on with a clear conscious,” I tell him.
“You don’t get it, Gorgeous.”
“Don’t get what?” I ask, suddenly so tired that I just want to close my eyes and sleep for a hundred years.
“You’re not a fence I’m trying to mend, Rory. You’re the reason I’m still breathing. You’re everything, Gorgeous. Every. Fucking. Thing.”39DieselI never meant to bring the conversation to this point, but I’m not sorry I did. I need her to understand. More importantly, I need her to let me back in.
“It’s not all about you, Noah,” she whispers. “I get what you want, I do, but it’s not all about you,” she says again. “I’m not the same. I’ll never be the same.”
