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“I think Rory was just trying to make sure you were okay, Ryan, even then she was just trying to make sure you were okay,” I tell him, my voice raw.
I’ve fucked up so much. If I look back on all of the shit I put Rory through, all of the mistrust and the pain I gave her only to have her sacrifice herself for Ryan like she did… I’m feeling so many emotions, I can’t even begin to sift through them all.
“Why? Why would she do that?” he asks again. “She shouldn’t have worried ‘bout me. It was my fault. It was all my fault.”
“It’s not, Ryan. It’s King’s fault. He was the adult. He wanted to hurt you and hurt Rory. Nothing you could have done would have made a difference. If you had called him dad, he still would have hurt her. You aren’t responsible.”
“But, Rory—”
“Rory loves you Ryan. She was protecting you because she loves you.”
“I love her too, Daddy. I want to keep her. Can we keep her, Daddy? I heard her tell Dani that she wasn’t staying here forever, but I want her to Daddy. I want her to.”
“We’re going to keep her, Ryan,” I whisper, holding him close. “We’re going to keep her,” I vow, praying I can do exactly that, because the alternative isn’t something I can live with.
“When the medicine killed Mommy… Rory was scared for me. She…She tried to protect me then too.”
“I’m sorry you saw that Ryan.”
“Daddy am I bad like the monster?”
“Why would you even ask that? There’s nothing bad about you, Ryan.”
“Rory kept me from seeing Mommy die. She wasn’t supposed to. The monster was going to punish her for it, but he had to leave... But after…”
“After?”
“After she ‘splained it was the medicine and that Mommy didn’t mean what she said.”
“What did she say?”
“That she never wanted me. Rory thought Mommy didn’t mean it. But that’s because Rory’s not like Mommy. Rory loves me. But… maybe I am like the monster Daddy.”
“Why would you say that?”
“Because I looked at Mommy when she said that and I was sad, because... I wanted Rory to be my Mommy. I wanted Mommy to go away… I wished she would go away forever… and then the medicine killed her. That makes me bad, doesn’t it, Daddy? I’m bad too.”
I gather Ryan up in my arms. I just hold him, whispering over and over that he’s not bad and letting him cry. I don’t know how long we’re like that, but I know that by the time Ryan stops crying my shirt is soaking wet and my heart aches so much it’s barely beating. I hold my son, letting him cry out everything he’s been holding in and I do it while plotting the millions of ways that I intend on making King pay.
I’m going to make that motherfucker bleed rivers of fucking blood before I let him die.49DieselI adjust Ryan’s head on the pillow. He cried himself to sleep. The pain, sadness and fear were so much that it wore his little body out. I held him through it all, and I’ve held him for the last hour, just watching him sleep. I need to talk to Rory, I need to go to her. She’ll be worried, but I need to just hold her and see her… I need to fucking get down on my knees and beg her to forgive me.
As I get Ryan settled, however, that’s not what is first on my list. I can’t see Rory like this.
Not like this.
There’s too much anger inside of me. I’ve got to work through that. I need to get a handle on it and lock it down before I see her again.
I cover Ryan up and then quietly leave his room. I flag down one of the prospects in the hall.
“I need you to stand in front of my son’s room. If he wakes up scared or calls for me, you find me in the gym. If you can’t find me, get him to my old lady. You got that?”
“Got it, Pres,” he says and I watch as he goes and stands at my son’s door, crossing his arms across his chest and planting his body in a stance that dares anyone to try and get past him.
Now that that’s done I head straight to the gym. I pass others, but they don’t speak. Maybe they can tell by the look on my face that they need to leave me the fuck alone. It’s a fucking good thing that I don’t run into Gunner. Right now, beating in his way-too-pretty-of-a-face seems like a damn good idea.
I burst through the double doors to the club gym. I have my own workout room now, but there’s no bag there and I need to beat the fuck out of something. Actually, I need to beat the fuck out of King, but for now I’ll just pretend the damn bag is his face.
